a worrier

I love eminem, I think he's a genius. I was laying in bed watching his newest video, wondering if he's really going to give the act up. He doesn't pull any punches; talking about his ambien addiction, his family, his good intentions...I hope he's just taking a break, selfishly, because I've always related to a lot of the struggles he raps about. The self hatred, the addictions,the insecurities...

Anyway, I was supposed to go do a cleaning job today, and I can't. My fucking shoulder has flared up, and I'm in severe pain. I see a chiropractor at least twice a week, along with twice a week massages and physical therapy. I even get acupuncture once a week. I am so frustrated at this point, I want to scream. It's been almost 3 years since we (hubby and I) got hit by a semi. Aaron has had some pain in his lower back, but I have been through the wringer. I've had 2 years of physical therapy and trigger point injections. I've had an epidural, I've had 3 series of nerve blocks in my neck, my shoulder and my back. Those are painful procedures where they stick needles in your cervical spine, and other inflamed areas and inject medication. Nothing has helped long term. I am now trying the chiro etc. that I talked about, but am still dealing with flare ups that literally keep me from living my normal life. I am on a painkiller patch, have a long standing percocet rx, take 2 types of antidepressants for depression that have off label pain killing uses, and recently the doc added valium to the mix. You would think I'd be a walking zombie, but I'm not. I'm ridiculously dependent on my medicine. Personally, I think I'm addicted, but everyone including my doctor, rationalize it. They say there's a difference between addiction and dependency, but I don't buy it 100%. I mean, some days, I cannot get out of bed without a percocet and a valium. I'm told that's normal when I'm in severe pain. My doctor says that doesn't make me a drugged out loser, which is what I fear. I want so badly to be pain free, and get off of all of this shit, but that's not happening. I don't know whether to keep faith in the chiro (who's clinic does all of the therapies I get) who is anti doctors, or to tell my pain management doc that we should try more invasive procedures, since no amount of therapy seems to keep my body stabilized. I am looking into a procedure where they burn off the nerves in the areas that cause pain, as well as botox- an option that has been considered before- to freeze the muscles long enough to get them back in proper working order. I don't know what to do.

I have a great job opportunity at my finger tips, and I want to get back into the real working world. I've done all sorts of odd jobs since moving here from Canada, but I would love get into a routine. I'll be able to work part time from home to start, thank god, but eventually, I hope to be working full time from an office. I don't want even consider that this injury will haunt me for the rest of my life, but if it does, for me to be able to work full time, it has to be manageable.

Poor me, right? I'm sure I sound like I want a pity party thrown in my honor, but I really just want to get my life back. I want to overcome every obstacle that stands in my way (which I admit sometimes can be me, self sabotaging) and get back to work, and keep diligently writing. In the end I want to tell my whole story and get published. Maybe I can inspire somebody...? Because right now it's like climbing a moutain, and the peak is nowhere in sight.