wasteland

After a detox from hell and nearly six months of being pain medication free, my doctors want to put me back on Vicodin. I have a neurologist who thinks I should use it every day (um, hello, that's how I got to be dependent on it in the first place) while the pain specialist thinks that having some on hand, for the really bad days is reasonable. All I know is that I REFUSE to go back to that zombie-like state that I used to be in. I was on so much medication, it was sick. I didn't take a prescription today because I don't know that it's the best idea for me. It can be a very fine line to walk, and I don't want to end up addicted again.

The epidural didn't seem to help. Which isn't good. It was hopefully going to give me a better picture of what was causing the pain, but it didn't. It's been over four years since that fucking accident. Surgery may not even be an option, but I am going to see someone who comes highly recommended in Ft. Wayne for a consult anyway. It still can't be ruled out, but no doctor (and I've seen so many over the years ) can find the exact source of the pain. We've identified the problems, but some of it remains an enigma. It is beyond frustrating.

I'm a little angry at life right now. I'm young- I should be in the prime of my life. But instead I'm just trying to make it from one day to the next. I am not gaining independence at the rate I want to, and it agitates me. I will be 29 in October, and I feel like I'm so far behind. I never imagined this as my future...and now, there are all of the doubts that are plaguing me about my marriage and my place in this world. I truly feel like I don't know who I am or what I want or even what I'm capable of anymore. If I ever did. You could attribute that to my 'borderline personality,' as that sort of thinking is a symptom, but again, I don't know what is me and what is the so-called disorder.

There is so much I want to change, and I don't know what's practical and within my reach and what are just delusions of grandeur. I am genuinely confused about everything in my life right now...I don't want to live, and just 'get by.' That's not me, not deep down. Yet that's what I've been doing for so long, in order to cope. I feel like my days are wasted, and I don't know how to make them more productive. I don't know how to step out of this isolation tube I've been in for so long. I want to take the world by storm, and live every day to the fullest. Why is that such a challenge?

Cakewalk

No more ultimatums, he said. Life was too short, and he couldn't keep her hostage if she felt a need for space. He had spent days thinking, and decided that in a sense, she was right. She had been through a lot in the last few years. This was her life, and it was up to her to live it as she wished, and how she saw fit. She needed to make herself happy and chase her dreams- he couldn't do it for her. With no malice in his voice at all, he told her to go wherever she wanted and to take as much time as she needed. He had declared his love, but she had soul searching to do.
She felt like she could finally breathe a sigh of relief...Her mind began wandering, thinking about her upcoming road trip. Not many people understood her desire to get away, alone. But she didn't care. She was exhilarated at the thought of doing something purely for herself, by herself.

Today is the big day. You'd think I'd be used to these stupid spinal injections after all these years, but I'm still anxious. It seems like a waste of time and money to me, but there is protocol to follow when one is going through the medical and insurance system. They can't open me up without doing certain diagnostics first. That's basically all this is- a precursor to surgery.

Yesterday, as planned I went to Barnes and Noble for a few hours. I grabbed the newest copies of "Skeptic" and "Pyschology Today" as well as a couple of books I've been wanting to read. I got some more writing done, as I sat with my laptop and overpriced Chai Latte, watching people go about their own business. When I was tired of the scene, and no longer able to form sentences, I headed over to Victoria's Secret to get my new hoodie. I noticed the little thrill I got when paying at the register... It was the tiniest bit of retail therapy.

Now, I am laying in bed, nervous and irritable. I'm not scheduled for the procedure until 11, so I have hours to work myself up- which is not the smartest idea. Thank god I opted for sedation, because my nerves are on overdrive. I feel like I've had six cups of coffee, and I haven't had even a sip. It's amazing what the mind and body will do under stress. I have to relax, or this whole ordeal will be bigger than it needs to be.
I'm going to pop in a favorite cd and let my mind wander anywhere but the present. Once I'm relaxed, this thing will be a piece of cake...

Wait, I hate cake.

Back

After a long absence, I'm back... Life still continues to run it's fiery course, and I continue to try and figure out what I want, what I need, and who I am.

Big updates- Cervical fusion with a diskectomy is being seriously considered. I have been off the pain meds nearly 5 months, and the pain is no better. I am currently dealing with a flare up from hell, using good old ibuprofen and ice. I've been pretty immobilized, which is so frustrating. I try not to let the pain control me to the level it once did, but it wears on me. There are no great surgeons here in small town Indiana, so we are going to Indianpolis to talk to some specialists and get their opinions. I have my last epidural on Friday morning, which will mean a painful weekend, but I can't imagine it will be any worse than what I feel now.

Aaron and I continue to go up and down. So much of it is because of me, and this need I have for independence. We've had some bad fights, but we've also learned some important things about ourselves and each other. We took a break from counseling, but are going back...

I still see my therapist often. She is able to help ground me, and not get so caught up in the big, scary picture. She also sees the light in my eyes that others do... and she's helping me see it within myself.

I'm dreaming big. Writing like a fiend. Starting to submit some of my poetry and writing to online mags and communities. The only way to write is to WRITE, so I've been consuming myself with that.

And I continue on this painful, joyful, heartbreaking, breathtaking journey.

?

I don't know who I am. Except for that little girl with the big dreams she so desperately wants to chase. I don't know if I'm living the life I'm supposed to be. I know the baby steps to take, to gain some independence, but I'm afraid that it will lead me in a direction away from Aaron. I feel a change inside me, unsure of what it's telling me. But I know that I am the only one who can figure it out. And I'm scared...What if I walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me? Are we right together? What is this constant tugging I feel inside?

Just another day

And with mood shifts come the increased aches and pains... I'm definitely experiencing the ebb and flow of life. The good days are awesome, and the bad days are not quite so intolerable. I've tuned into the swiftness with which my mood can change. It's as if I'm a snake, waiting quietly, hissing, before I lunge. Fortunately, I've been able to write after a noticable mood swing or upsetting event. Unfortunately, I am still very hard on myself when I catch myself in the act of reacting.


I've been more 'keyed up' for the last 3 days. Slowly, my trapezius muscles and scalenes have tightened to the point where motion is extremely limited. My ribs hurt, my shoulder hurts. Today I woke up and immediately, before even moving, I could feel that agonizing burn. Mentally, I'm not at my worst, but my anxiety is up. I have constant butterflies in my stomach that won't go away. I'm trying the 'exercises' given to me by my therapist for moments of distress, but it's an effort. I bet when I look back, getting off of painkillers will probably be a cakewalk compared to changing my long held behavioral patterns and emotional responses.



I went for a walk this afternoon at my usual spot. It helped, although the walk in itself was much harder than usual. It's sunny and warm out though, and I refused to just lay in the house all day. I hadn't walked since Friday morning, and that could have been just one small piece of the whole mind/body enigma I'm trying to figure out.

Aaron has become increasingly frustrated with my weight issues... The fact is, he has done everything short of physically shove food down my throat to get me to gain some weight. He tells me I look like I need a fucking hamburger, and I've gone beyond thin and sexy. Why does the mind play tricks on the body? Logically, my weight is too damn low. But I don't see that in the mirror. My therapists are trying to help with all of this, but I'm resisting, and I know it. I'm afraid that if I gain just 10 pounds, I won't be able to control my weight at all. But I'd still be a thin girl at 115 pounds- that was my high school weight! I don't get it. I've never had body issues like this before. I might not be confident in many ways, but my figure was rarely a cause for any concern. I gained the typical freshman 15 in college, but managed to find a healthy balance and overall, liked my figure and curves.

Am I switching addictive behaviors? How much of a role does control (or the illusion of it) play in all of the things I'm dealing with?

Lazy Days

Florida was hot and beautiful. Our hotel in St. Petersburg overlooked a wildlife preserve, surrounded by a boardwalk and lush greenery. Every morning, with my mp3 player blaring, I took my walk. It was almost as if I wasn't in a city at all. I saw an alligator up close for the first time, watched turtles of all sizes swim in the murky water, and gazed at the birds with the brightly colored beaks as they fed their babies by mouth. I was in awe. Sadly, my digital camera broke, and I had to buy a cheap disposable, so I don't know how the few pictures I took will turn out.

After my walk, I'd usually head to the computer to feed my online addiction, and then out to the pool for some sun. The temperatures were in the high 80's all five days we were there, with few clouds in sight. I caught up on some reading as planned, but the majority of my time was spent on self reflection. Nights were spent ordering room service or going out to eat with Aaron. All in all it was very low key, and I savored every moment. I realized again just how blessed I am, even with all the baggage I carry and the negative habits I've developed. It's all about perspective, and being content with the things one does have.

I am on a journey. And I don't know exactly where it is leading me. But if I do the right things, and keep urging myself forward, I'm sure that I'll be ok.

There is a lot on my mind today, but for now, I'm going to keep it there...

And we're off...

So we're off to Florida in about an hour. I am excited- it's a vacation for me! My darling husband however, is dreading the trip. He'll be stuck in conferences and classes all week, while I lay on my ass in the sun. Hopefully, between his work and my play, we'll be able to fit in some quality time for just us. We need it- desperately.

I suspect I'll be journaling, reading and taking pictures a lot. I'll do a little soul searching, work on the memoir I've been puttering away at for 3 years, and find new places to go for my daily walks. I'm at a crossroads, and while a trip won't determine the outcome, it will certainly give me a chance to think clearly and figure out where I go from here....