a drama queen

I feel ashamed and embarrased, and when I feel this way, logical thought goes out the window. Emotions take over.

I went to see my pain mgmt doctor yesterday, and he refilled the prescriptions as usual. I gave him an update on what's been happening since I started with all of the new therapies, and that I'm still struggling with the flare ups in my shoulder, neck and back. I said that I was going to give it another month at this place, doing exactly what they tell me, and see how I feel. So far they have increased my range of motion, but not decreased much of the pain. They do treatments on all the areas that I've had injections in previously, trying to get my right side back in order. But when the simplest task causes a week's worth of pain, I can't help but wonder how much 'better' I am.

Anyway, so today, I go to get my prescriptions refilled. I've been having a few problems at the pharmacy I've been using lately(Walgreens), but nothing like today. I have a Canadian passport that is valid. My Canadian driver's licsence can't be renewed from here, and I don't have my SS# yet... So I can't yet get a state id either. That's all in the hands of the INS who has my file. I've been using my passport forever, at this same pharmacy, with the same prescriptions. But now that I'm married, and I'm taking my husband's last name, my insurance company had to put my married and my maiden name on my insurance card. Just in case, I always I keep my birth certificate and my marriage licsence with me. Well, today a pharmacist at Walgreens refused to fill my prescriptions. He said I had no state id, and that was all that he would take. I tried to explain the situation, and tell him my passport is valid, immigration is getting me my green card and a SS#... I'm covered under insurance, I've been a customer there for months... Pulling out my marriage liscence, telling him to look up my history in the computer... Anything I could do to tell this guy, hey, I'm no fraud junkie seeking to get high. I know this is a lot of pain medicine, but I'm in a lot of pain. He didn't give a shit. He was loud and obnoxious, I'm sure because of the drug. He claimed that he wasn't going to break state law. I felt like shit. People around me were looking, the other pharmacy staff were listening. It was so embarrassing and I could hardly leave there quickly enough.

I ran to the car, sobbing, and my husband asked what the deal was. I told him the guy refused to fill it, and I felt like a fucking junky. He remained calm, and said it wasn't a big deal, it was one pharmacist on one day. I'd never had a problem getting medicine before. He asked if I was out of pain meds and I said no, I had leftovers from last month. Enough for a few days. My patch will need changed on Monday, but I had pills left over. He said just go tomorrow, get someone else... Of course, I would hear none of it. My feelings were so hurt, all I could think of was 'I am shit.' I let this pharmacist make me feel like a junky, and hurt my feelings. And for a good 2 hours I was upset about it, crying, trying to get it out on paper, trying to talk it out with Aaron. He was so calm about it all, and didn't understand why I was upset. I kept wondering if the pharmacist was right about me...

Eventually I calmed down enough to sit and half watch a movie. On my mind was the replay of the events... What was I gonna do?? Was I breaking the law because I had a gov't id from another country?? Would anyone fill these prescriptions? I had to sign a contract with my doctor saying I would only use one pharmacy. And I've only used the one Walgreens. If they refuse to fill it tommorow, then I'm gonna have to call my doctor's office, tell them about the situation, and change pharmacies. But what if they won't fill it either, then what...? I'm waiting for my US id, I can't help that I am Canadian, and got in a damned accident (which I was the passenger!) I'm on this fucking medicine and I want to get off of it.. It doesn't make me high, and I don't sell it to my friends. It's not fun to hurt everyday, and rely on a pill to try and cover it up for a while. There's a reason I'm spending my settlement money on medical bills. I'm not just seeing a doctor and laying on my ass popping pills. I've tried everything to heal this injury. I had almost 2 years of physical therapy after the accident, along with trigger point injections. Then I started getting more invasive procedures, needles in the cervical spine, the facet joints, and my occipital nerves. I'm currently undergoing less invasive treatment, doing accupuncture and massages and ultrasounds and adjustments... I refuse to hurt like this my whole life. I am trying whatever I can to get better... But I feel like a horrible person now, like a complete and total fuck up. Am I?