Grumblings

Never have I felt so relieved to get to a hotel room. Today was a day from hell, and I'm bloody exhausted. I was in the middle of nowhere- at least that’s how it felt. This morning I made a four hour drive to a little town southeast of Indianapolis, and I don’t know how I did it,and made it through the day, but as my darling husband put it this morning, I’m a trooper.

I awoke at 4:30 am, and when I went to get out of bed, a wave of dizziness struck me and knocked me over. I had been feeling ill for a few days- battling a cold, but also some stomach flu-like symptoms. The plan had been to leave and make half of the trip last night, but I felt so ill, I decided that it was better to sleep at home, and get up extra early to make the drive to work today. Well, getting up wasn’t so easy. I would try to stand up and walk but instead was staggering like a drunkard into the wall, or whatever was in reach. It didn’t matter that I felt like shit- if I didn’t finish this enrollment, the likelihood of me being fired would be high. I finally made it out of the house after forcing down some toast, but I was already half an hour behind schedule.

My drive down was difficult, at best. I was combining Dramamine, Pepto Bismal, and energy drinks so that I could stay somewhat alert, and at least a little bit more comfortable. But my stomach felt as if it was gnawing away at itself and continues to remain in knots although being able to lay down is helping now. I cursed my boss the whole way down; he wouldn’t cover a hotel last night, even though I was technically owed another night, and because I was being sent down nearDayton, Ohio- when there were people who lived a hell of a lot closer than I do to that one horse town!

I don’t know that it is a good idea to mix friendship and business. I don’t expect special treatment, but my boss knows that I have neck problems. It pisses me off that I’m going to locations that are so far from home, when there are like, 6 people who live far closer than I do. Instead of sending me to the stores that were an hour or two away, I'm driving an average of three and a half hours… In the past week, I have put over 1200 miles on my car, and I’m not being reimbursed for mileage. My pay was dropped by $50 a day, I’m paying for all of my own meals. I have worked six days away from home so far, and only had a hotel room for 3 nights. When I asked my boss for an extra night, he patronized me, which only infuriated me more. His reasoning was that the only nights that are comped are the days I work. But I worked on Tuesday, and drove home. He would have paid for that, but he wouldn’t let me trade a night, because 'non enrollment nights aren’t covered.' WTF? So I could have stayed overnight Tuesday, but couldn’t trade a night…? I am beginning to feel some animosity toward my boss, and I don’t know how long my patience will last. No one even knows when payroll is, and I hate asking Lenny, my boss, anything, because he acts as if he is doing me a huge favor every time I pose a question.

This account has been a 3 week ordeal, although I was only around for two weeks. I've found myself apologizing to people over and over. I go into a specific chain of grocery store, and in the breakroom, I set up my laptop and explain the shitty new insurance plan that they are now being offered. It's not a bad plan if you're healthy. But healthy people don't need health insurance. Those who need health care the most are going to be paying out their asses. Health care in this country is a fucking joke, and having been on the other side, I hate telling people that their prescriptions are no longer covered, and they have a huge deductible. It's sickening.

Uck. I feel sick and tired- and I’m not talking the proverbial sick and tired that we all use as an expression. My stomach won’t give me a break, and my back is aching. Somehow, my neck pain is remaining manageable, thank god. But my doctor offered uppers to me, in case the drowsiness becomes too much. No thanks doc, you've got me on enough medicine- no need to add another to the mix.

One day left and I get a week break. Then it’s back to Indianpolis for a training class, which no doubt, I’ll have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to get there in time again. I’m not expecting any sort of ‘favors’ or accommodations. From now on, I’ve been told, there is no per diem rate. I will be straight commission. Sigh. I was supposed to be a customer service rep, and now, I’m just another lackey who is desperate for work, and will drive to the ends of the earth, even at the expense of my health and well being.

I had a good cry (actually, I had a couple of good cries) on my drive down. I don’t want to be a trooper, and continue to ‘hang in there’ for the rest of my life. I want life to get a little easier. It doesn’t matter what I want though, because it’s completely unrealistic to expect life to get less complicated when I’m working for the most chaotic company in Indiana, nursing a chronic injury, and fighting my own insurance battle. I guess it’s better that I put my big girl boots on and drudge through the mess, but it’s damn hard. And while I can put on a show in front of almost anyone, inside, I just want some relief.

Thank god for last Saturday. I am doing some modeling for a fetish site, and though Aaron isn’t thrilled, he’s sitting back and letting me do whatever it is I want to. There’s no nudity at all, so I don’t feel violated in any way. My good friend Liv and I are doing it together, and last Saturday we got to shoot together. It was a blast. Total stress reliever. We goofed around at the shoot all day, and came back to my house for some down time. Aaron was in Chicago, so we ended up having a sleepover, and it was so nice to forget about everything a day.

I really admire Liv. She’s only a little older than I am and she’s got two kids and a husband. She got pregnant at 18, so she is a young, hip mom. She’s lost 100 lbs- which shows her dedication and ambition. She always has a smile on her face, and when I’m around her, it’s contagious. We share stupid inside jokes, plan grandiose schemes and quote Kevin Smith films all the time. She is truly a ray of sunshine. I’m incredibly grateful to have a girlfriend like her.

Aaron is being as supportive as possible, but he can only take so much. I try not to show him the tears and put on a brave face. Sometimes it works, at others I just can't hold my emotions in. Last week my car overheated on my way home Friday night... I had no antifreeze, so it was no wonder, but it really got to me. But it wasn't until I got home that I unravelled. It was so hard to unwind, and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Poor Aaron. I am strong, yet weak. Brave yet scared. Inviting yet distant. Warm yet cold. I wish I could be the wife I feel I should be.

I can't type another word.