Over the Borderline

That would be me. Once again, a therapist has suggested that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Just the diagnosis in itself screams out character flaw to me. It's not something you can take a pill for, like depression, although the two can easily go hand in hand. The treatment lies in behavior and thought modification...

Let me back up a step. This is a quick description of what BPD is from the DSM-IV:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in .

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."
(Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10:
The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally devalued and dismissed the next.
Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states atone time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state while in the other.
When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner or later) the borderline must drastically restructure his one-dimensional conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to the dungeon, or the borderline banishes himself in other to preserve the all-good image of the other person.
Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more dramatically and frequently.)

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior .

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one becomes somewhat removed from "reality," whether this be daydreaming, performing actions without being fully connected to their performance ("running on automatic"), or other, more disconnected actions. It is the opposite of "association" and involves the lack of association, usually of one's identity, with the rest of the world.

There is no "pure" BPD; it coexists with other illnesses. These are the most common. BPD may coexist with:
Post traumatic stress disorder
Mood disorders
Panic/anxiety disorders
Substance abuse (54% of BPs also have a problem with substance abuse)
Gender identity disorder
Attention deficit disorder
Eating disorders
Multiple personality disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorder



My last two therapists mentioned BPD as a possibility but because I slowly stopped going to therapy, and only using them when I was a 'crisis mode,' we never delved much into it. When I left my ex husband, he told me over the phone that he thought I had a personality disorder. I assumed he was angry and trying to hurt me, so I purposely ignored looking into the possibility. But here I am, at 28 still trying to fill the void and fight the demons. The same cycles go on and on without resolution. Each time, I swear things are going to change, and for a while, they do. But it's always fleeting.

My first thought upon meeting my new counselor was that she seemed very granola. Her demeanor was upbeat and warm, so naturally, I liked her right away. Her questions were of the usual, very personal nature but I answered them with brutal honesty. I no longer see the value in trying to censor anything about myself to someone I'm paying to help me. Halfway through the appointment, she brought up the borderline thing. I wasn't shocked. It makes sense. However, I find it extremely humiliating. So I'm choosing to address it instead of running from it. Guilt and shame have haunted me my whole life, and if I just worry about the stigma instead of concentrating on what I can do to heal some of this damage, my efforts will be futile.

Aaron and I had an intense therapy session yesterday... And as uncomfortable as I was at times, feeling like I was the whole problem in our relationship, we made some progress. To sum it up, my husband is being starved of love and affection because I'm afraid of rejection and using him as my sole support. It's all kinds of messed up, but we're fiercely committed to working on improving our relationship.

It's been both a harrowing and surprising week. My mind is so full, it feels as if it could burst at any moment.