The Skinny on Drugs

The big headline today is the passing of Anna Nicole Smith... It's been speculated by the media that her death was caused by an overdose of prescription drugs- the same way her son died a few months ago. How sadly ironic. While I was never a fan of the blonde celebrity, I can't help but wonder if her death was accidental or on purpose. Smith admitted that she had struggled with drug addiction for years, and while she maintained she was sober in recent months, the media circus that surrounded her seemed to capture a very depressed, sick, and overmedicated woman.

Prescription drug abuse has almost become a trend. It infuriates me. Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie are two examples of young starlets who became gaunt and frail in a matter of months and saw a huge rise in popularity. These two girls I've named have both been in and out of rehab and have admitted to using prescription painkillers, among other weight suppressing substances. Because I've been on pain medication for such a long period of time, I know the side effects. Opiates take away your appetite almost completely and actually list anorexia as one of the possible side effects. I went from a sexy, slender 128lbs to a fragile and skinny 105lbs...And I'm 5' 8".What scares me is that I like being tiny... Even though I know I'm too thin right now. Hollywood glamorizes the thin craze, and even here, in small town Indiana, a size six isn't good enough anymore. It's sick and it's dangerous.

Aaron has been a yo yo dieter since the day that I met him, and I tease him relentlessly. However, as he's gotten older he's maintained a strict workout schedule even if he's shoveling Taco Bell in his mouth. He's been trying to get ' bathing suit ready' ( I know, such a fucking girl!!) for Jamaica and had been losing weight really quickly because of the additional physical labor in the basement. He jokingly made a comment about being even more dedicated to losing pounds because he had an anorexic wife. I laughed and starting naming off the signs of anorexia to defend myself. I stopped mid sentence. The not eating, the body dysmorphia. I still think I have love handles. I don't want to lose any more weight, but I'm afraid to gain. Even though I could gain ten pounds and still be little. Something is wrong with this picture, and I need to address it.

I have to go to Chicago to get a temporary passport on Thursday. Ugh. The traffic, the hours in the car... I have weaned down on the Norco by two pills, and I didn't think it would affect me much, but it has. I've had a throbbing headache for 3 days and my stomach is churning constantly. My bones hurt. My jaw is clenched. I'm grouchy. I should be stabilized by the time we go to Jamaica, but man, I'm in for it when we get home. I'm scared. I don't want to let myself go back into that dark, lonely place. If I can just focus on the light, and reach out to those around me I will be ok. I have a plan of action- I just need to follow through. And not be afraid to ask for help when I need it.

Hey, at least I'll have a gorgeous tan while I'm detoxing. And I'll try and have lots of sex to take away the pain temporarily.