Acceptance

There's a country song called "I'm Movin' On" that has always touched me. I was raised on country music and it holds a special place in my heart. Anyway, the song is all about change and getting through the challenges life holds. Lately, each time I listen to it, I start to cry, because it captures the tiny glimmer of hope that I get in my heart for a fleeting moment in time.

Honestly, I am barely holding on. But I know it. I'm doing what's right anyway. I never imagined the profound feelings I'd be going through during this whole ordeal. I take the prize for being an emotional rollercoaster type of girl, but the extreme despair that I've felt while withdrawing is unlike anything I've ever experienced. And I've been at some pretty low points in my life. My wounds are still open, and for the last few years, I began trying to self medicate the pain away. I think that's why I felt so much shame about being on so much medication and hearing the word addiction. Because I didn't want to be lumped into a category that I wasn't comfortable with. But I see with painful clarity now, that I needed those pills to function... That's a scary thought because I wasn't functioning. What a complete contradiction.

What makes this so hard on my mind is the pain... The physical pain that got heaped onto so much existing baggage became so hard to bear. And the uncertainty of not knowing when it will stop can be incredibly overwhelming. I may feel miraculously better without that crap in my body. I may have to learn to accept pain as a part of my life and use healthier methods to deal with it. I may have to get surgery. I may decide that I need medication again at some point.But I won't know my baseline until I've actually reached it. Signals are going crazy in my body and it's going to take some time for my chemistry to adjust.

I know one thing for certain. As hurt as my ego was on that fateful day at the doctor's office, he was right about one thing. I was overmedicated. It's one thing to need a pain pill or two for chronic pain, but it's another to be on so much medication that my body needs enormous amounts to feel 'normal.' When you feel pain through the amount of pills I was consuming, there is a problem.

So that's where I stand today. Still don't know what tomorrow holds, besides a much needed therapy session. But right now, I'm actually eating half a bagel and out of bed. Aaron and I have counseling in an hour, and I'm sure emotions will continue to flow. Just gotta accept that for now.