a psychosomatic

I just signed up for a tai chi class, and I'm very excited about it. My chiropractor recommended I try that or Yoga, to help deal with the pain. I've tried the Yoga thing once after the accident, and it was too painful, I couldn't even make it through the entire session. That was probably a year ago. I used to work at the Geological Survey of Canada, back when I was a newlywed at 20. They had tai chi classes on the grounds at lunchtime, and I always wanted to participate, but because I was becoming a Jehovah's Witness, I wasn't allowed to participate. (I'd go on a rant about the JW thing, but I'll keep mum on it.) I'm grateful to have the opportunity to try it now. It's been proven to be beneficial in stress reduction and chronic pain. They call it "meditation in movement."

I finally dragged my butt to the gym yesterday, to do some cardio and break a sweat- another thing recommended by my Chiropractor. And it felt so good to get moving! All I did was the bike for 20 minutes and the elliptical for 10. Nothing major, considering I used to run 6 miles, when I was training for a half marathon. (Shortly before the marathon, Aaron and I got in the accident) But we went together, he goes to the gym at least 4 times a week, and he wanted to get more cardio in himself. It was a real mood lifter- and it was all natural. We came home and had some fun in the bedroom right after, then curled up to watch a movie. I had a great day yesterday, and those don't come along so often for me. So I'm very grateful :)

Everything with my medicine worked out fine, with a different pharmacist. It just makes me want to get off of it more, though. I hate depending on painkillers, and I hope the steps I'm taking will help with that too. I want to start going back for counseling as well. I'm definitely an advocate of therapy, since I've been going off and on from the age of 11. When I do go, I can feel the difference in my awareness and my self esteem. I've hit a lot of lows growing up, and I've become a master at self sabotage... My husband made a comment yesterday that lingers with me now. I used to be the sick one- you know, the one who always had a cold, or the flu or a headache. Well, I haven't had a cold in ages, probably a year, and I remarked how amazing that was. He said to me, "you probably don't get sick like that anymore because you have something else to focus your negative energy- your injury. " I immediately got defensive, but he said "I don't think it's a conscious thing for you, Alli, I think it's subconscious, where you don't realize."

I chewed on that for a while over breakfast and throughout the day, and I thought of my mom and my little sister at home, in Canada. They are both always battling a respiratory infection or a bad flu, my poor little sister is often scratchy voiced when we talk on the phone. My mom is the same way (well, if we're talking at the time or not.) And there's a lot of negative energy around my mom. Part of the reason I battle some of the demons I do, comes from my upbringing. My mom isn't a happy person, and I one of my biggest fears is turning out like my mother. She is angry, sad, and bitter about things. She's dealt with a lot in her life, but it hasn't seemed to make her stronger, it's seemed to just take it's toll. I don't want that to be me. My dad has been dealing with chronic pain since about my age, when he was in an accident at work. He had polio at 3, which wasn't good to start with, and then a series of events and operations... He's going to be 56 soon, and he's almost crippled, he's in so much pain. I'm afraid of becoming like him too... There are cycles that go on in families, and I want to stop the cycles in mine.

I've rambled enough. Time to finish folding the laundry.