Painfully sad

I have had a severe headache for going on three days now. It is making my life miserable. Just when I think I have a handle on my pain, it comes back tenfold, rearing it's ugly head. I have cried more in the last 3 days than in the last month. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I haven't heard a thing from our insurance company regarding our appeal. Aaron called my doctor's office yesterday, and once again, they proved how incompetent they are at filing claims etc. Cigna has requested a peer to peer- this means they want one of their docs to speak with my doc. I told my doctor this at my last visit last week, and he agreed to go ahead with it. Has anything been done? Take a wild guess. Of course not. I just want this to stop. I know I'm wallowing in self pity right now because I don't feel good, but I'm SO sick of all of this. I want a normal life.

Aaron and I were talking about children this morning... I really don't think I'm made to be a mother. I don't want to fuck up like my own mom did, and I'm terrified of the whole thing, from carrying a baby to raising it. People say your life changes when you have children, and I'm sure that is true. But I'm not ready for that change. I don't know what I would do if I was to get pregnant right now. I'd have an opiate addicted baby... I can't carry a baby in this state- my body isn't right, nor my mind. But what if my body doesn't get better? I know the mental struggles come and go; I've been dealing with them my whole life. I'm getting older, and the chances of things healing in my spine get smaller as I age. No one knows if I will ever heal, and the uncertainty is killing me. If I do have babies, I want to give them the best, and I don't know how capable I am of doing that.


I don't even want to get into (yet here I go...) the fact that my lack of organization and inability to concentrate on one task at a time is not something I want to pass on to my kids. My bedroom is so fucking messy, it disgusts me. I can't bring myself to clean it though, because everytime I try, I make a bigger mess. I leave a trail behind me wherever I go. Yet, I am constantly losing EVERYTHING. Sitting at my computer, I see 2 full laundry baskets, a suitcase full of clean laundry, unopened boxes, the litter box... it's gross how unkept I am. Aaron has been keeping the downstairs clean but upstairs is a disaster- MY disaster.

Another mess- work. I'm spending the week trying to read all of the info I need to know for this enrollment, but let's not mince words here- I am fucked. I hate this 'career' so far, it's been nothing but a clusterfuck. I haven't told Aaron this, but I am seriously considering working at the mall because I don't know if I can handle the stress of this job. I like feeling like a career woman and dressing up for work, but I can't do the marathon trips to Indy. I spent SIX hours driving on Monday, and EIGHT hours in the classroom. I can't keep doing this. There have been so many broken promises made to me by my boss... He can't run his business for shit, and the communication sucks. I knew that the business was chaotic before I started, because of all the drama that went down as I was getting lisenced. But I had no idea how stressful it would be.

I don't want to slip back into a depression, but I feel it coming on. Even as I sit here and type, I can't stop the tears from streaming down my face.