SICK

I went in for my follow up alone this morning; shaking, sweating and feeling incredibly anxious. Today was my first day without any Valium, so naturally, my nerves were worse than usual. After he kept me waiting 45 minutes, the doctor finally came in, saw my condition and told me that he didn't think I was going to be able to get off of the medication alone. I needed rapid detox, he said. He told me it would be fast, and far more comfortable than trying to get off the medication by tapering. I asked if it meant I was addicted, and he said no. I pressed for specific details, but got none. I was instead, treated like a junkie and told to go to the hospital for detoxing today. Aaron was on the phone throughout the entire appointment, and by the time I got home, he was worried sick. We decided to call the detox center and find out the process...

As it turns out, there is no rapid detox at the hospital. Instead, you're sent to the psych ward where they throw you in a room with a bed and toilet for 3-5 days, check your vital signs, and watch you shit and puke your guts out as you stop all medication cold turkey. Then, they send you to rehab. In no uncertain terms, the woman on the phone told Aaron that I was a drug addict, and had little chance of success unless I came in today and started the withdrawal. Where did she get that information? My new doctor.

Both of us hit the roof. The doctor lied to me, to Aaron. He had only met with me once before, and knew nothing about me as a person. He saw me anxious and tearful, and assumed I was pushing for more drugs. He didn't look and see that my records show a history of serious depression and anxiety. All of the non narcotic treatments I'd done; the injections, the accupuncture, the PT, the chiropractic, the massage, the outpatient surgeries- they meant nothing. He just saw what he wanted to... Some girl jonesing for a fix. (Which, if I really was addicted, I'd be getting right now, because I have a surplus of medication . The fact that I went in there having followed orders should have said something. )

After finding out all of the information, Aaron called up the doc, and unleashed his fury on the nurse. He said he would not watch me get treated like an addict and stand idly by. I listened as he ranted about the 'detox' facility, and said there was "no way in hell" that he was sending me to that withdrawal program. He ended our relationship with the physician over the phone. Then, he called my old doctor, the one who had me on all of this medication, and told his assistant the whole story.

My old doctor was on the phone right away. He immediatley told me that stopping all the Valium this quickly was dangerous, and to get back on at least one a day. He said he was going to take me back as his patient, and get me through this. Aaron and I go to see him on Jan 26th, where we will address the medication issue and find SOME path towards health. So, for now, I am going to taper down whatever meds I can on my own, and try to keep my head held high. This has been a very hard week, and I have never felt quite so alone. I know that I have one constant warrior beside me in this battle though, and today, he stood up for and fought with me again. My husband does not fuck around, people.

I'm gonna be the toughest bitch around when this is all said and done. And I'm gonna make him proud.