Self Contained Mess

I can hear the ticking of the clock inside my own head. I have two days left to prepare for my enrollment in Indianapolis, and once again, I am panicking. I don't want to go. I don't know what I'm doing. This pattern has got to stop. I wake up worrying, I go to bed worrying. Yesterday, I had crying fits all due to anxiety. I finally popped an extra valium (something I loathe doing) because I had to calm down, and nothing was helping. I have an appointment today at 9 with my counselor, whom I haven't talked to since mid-October. That could be part of the problem right there. Unfortunately, I seem to need basic maintenance with a counselor, and when I get off track, usually, part of the reason is my absence.

Why do I torture myself with all of the what if's? I don't know where the anxiety comes from, but it runs deep, and it's making my life extremely difficult. Often I blow things up out of proportion in my head, and it literally drives me to the depths of despair, only to find that while it's not ideal, it's not the gigantic monster I've built it up to be. My mind goes in circles as I sit here, and wonder why I struggle with this anxiety and fear. I feel like it makes me weak, because I become a prisoner to it. I'm unable to do anything but sit and stir. Lord knows how many times Aaron has looked over at me, and I've been silently weeping. It must be so hard for him. But I could wallow in guilt about that all day, and it wouldn't do a thing to change this. In fact, the guilt just makes me feel worse about everything. It's not healthy to feel so much guilt, but like I get dressed or brush my teeth everyday, I harness the guilt on and carry it around with me.