Call it a family of crisis

My little sister wrote this hauntingly beautiful poem posted at the bottom. She is going through a very hard time, and has moved out of my mom's house into her dad's house- from a rigid environment to a lax one. But my sister needed to get out of there NOW, and I'm relieved that she did so. The emotional abuse my mother subjects her children to is a shame. I distance myself from her almost entirely, because we simply cannot get along. My 14 year old sister has more of a bond with my mom, but she still endures the same treatment I did...

These exact words were uttered to me countless times as a child, and now, I hear my sister repeating them to me, as told to her.

"You stupid kid!"
"Goddamn you"
" You're lazy, you're ungrateful, and you're disrespectful"
"Just run away from me like you always do. Go hide."
"I can't stand you, get out of my sight!"
"Can't you do anything right?"
"You are too weak"
"You selfish child."
"You're not depressed, you're just overreacting again."

I chose to retreat, and then, once I left for college, tried never to return. I came home for one summer after my freshman year of college, and when my mom caught me playing a silly game of strip poker with my best friends, she hit me, knocked me to the floor and called me a slut. I was given the silent treatment for days, and then was grounded until I returned to school. I was 19.

My sister has started to rebel, in a big way. Being 14 today isn't the same as it was when I was 14. I am afraid that because unlike me, she is acting out at a very young age. Her grades have dropped, she's quit her team sports, she's having problems keeping friends, and she's engaging in behavior that terrifies me.

I hate laying blame on anyone other than myself, I really do. I throw great pity parties, but I hate blaming other people. However, I am angry with my mother... I know she's had a hard life, and I know she didn't plan on having me during a very tumultuous time in her life. My sister was unplanned as well, and it's almost as if we've been made to feel guilty about just existing. My mother is the kind of woman you walk on eggshells around-all of the time. She can be very civil and put on a wonderful show, but she can also breed tension in a room full of people. She can be incredibly mean and cold. I, as well as the rest of her family, think she needs help. But she will never admit it, not ever.

I am scared for my sister... I don't want her turning out like me, and I got a late start. But once I started down the path of self destruction at 17, fresh out of high school, it took me years to realize that even though I never wanted to be like my mother, in many ways I exhibited her behavior. I didn't know any differently. At 28, I am climbing my way up from a pretty solid bottom. I've lost a lot, but I'm gaining a lot too, as I go through this whole process. But in all of that, I see my little sister, making bad choices, and hurting the same way I did, and still do. I'm powerless to stop it. I can support her, but I can't save her. And it tears me apart.





Awake in a dream



Sitting alone in the darkness,

Listening to the nothingness of the night,

I cry to shatter the silence,

It echoes off the walls and breaks the quiet,

Nothing I say will make it right.

I close my eyes and pray for sleep,

A prayer that is never answered,

I wish for the peace of dreams,

But apparently I am not heard.

No one answers,

Nothing changes,

And time drags on.

The hands on the clock hardly moving at all,

The nightstand says 3 in the morning,

And my world begins to fall.

I need the peace of an endless dream,

A nightmare far better than reality,

The sweet serenity of a scream,

And the sound of life around me.

I feel numb,

But not in a pleasant way,

Not tingly and warm and sweet,

But cold and hard and grey.

Like nothing I do will break,

This never ending chain,

Of false reassurances,

And promises to stop the pain.

I wish for the sun,

When the rain comes down,

But feel relief,

When the storm hangs around.

I open my eyes,

To look at the clock,

And realize the nightmare stopped.

The sun is shining,

In through my window now,

The morning has come,

Though I don’t know how.

Im awake in a dream.