A mess

God, what a weekend. I had a major freak out today, which happens every now and again. But I was a lunatic for a good couple of hours. My poor husband, how does he love me with all of my flaws? The freakout, I think was due to a lot of factors; stress, hormones, (PMS is such a lame excuse, but I battle it every damn month) pain and plain old depression. I don't have the greatest coping skills sometimes.

Friday was a shit day with the chiropractor, after 2 months of bad mouthing all of the injections I've had, and his intensive physical therapy accu, etc, he tells me he wants me to get an injection. Isn't that funny. Botox, to be exact, something brought up to me by my pain mgmt doctor, whom my chiropractor also badmouths. He also wants me to see a pain mgmt psychologist. But the minute I bring up getting it covered through insurance, and having my pain doc do the injection, my chiro tells me to not even bother. Same thing when I bring up getting mental health covered. Then he tells me I need to stop working- he seems to think I'm a fountain of wealth and can just keep tossing hundreds and thousands of dollars around on medical care, that so far, hasn't worked. Now that I'm FINALLY insured, I would like to use that. Health care is expensive in this country, even with insurance. I am so stressed about it all. I see him on Monday, and he wants me set up with his people asap. Nevermind getting anything approved by insurance. Somehow I have to be assertive, and that's not always easy for me. He has to know that I need what's in my best interest-financially and otherwise. The money I have left from my settlement won't last forever, especially at the rate I'm shoveling it out for medical care. My husband had a bad month at work, we might have to borrow from my settlement money to pay the bills. I used to to work a hell of a lot harder than cleaning houses, even with this injury, so the notion of me quitting the 2 cleaning jobs I have is ridiculous. Until I get my green card, this is what I have to do.

We had plans to go over to a friend's house to play poker Friday night, but after the day I had, it wasn't in me to go. I had a headache and couldn't get comfortable in my own house... I didn't want to go to a loud poker game with a bunch of drunk people, kids, and unruly animals. I had been looking forward to seeing our friends, but it just wasn't in me. My husband went at my insistence. He wasn't surprised that I bailed, I think he just wished I could reach out a little bit. I withdraw when I'm hurting, be it emotionally or physically- some people surround themselves, but I'm unable to do that. I outcast myself, in a way. I always have. I was an only child until I was 14, and I've constantly fought being the outcast, or feeling like the outcast. I was the class loser from 1st grade all the way up to 8th. That gawky, awkward, uncomfortable child lies within me still. Not exactly the healthiest self image to have, that of the outcast or the loner. I would love to be the bubbly, outgoing one. And when I'm with those I know well, and feeling good, I can be like that. But deep down, I still wonder if people really like me, and if I'm worthy of love. Such cliche bullshit, I know. But it's how I feel.

Yesterday was spent cuddling and watching movies... We went and got some junk food (a rare indulgence for me nowadays) and curled up on the couch. Aaron and I are both huge movie buffs. We can watch them for hours. I felt 'off' yesterday, and was a little touchy, but nothing compared to my outburst today. Today was just one of those days when I got upset about everything, and wound myself up with worries, only to completely lose it on the way to the gym. Aaron ended up going without me, and I continued on with my tantrum. Eventually, I calmed down, and made it to the gym, which helped lift my spirits considerably.

Tonight, when I lay down to go to sleep, I'm going to try and keep these thing in mind. Life is filled with highs and lows, and I'm more fortunate than many. I'm lucky to have people that love me. I need to learn to love me too, because If I did, I'd be a happier, healthier person.