More melodrama?!!!!

Yesterday's car troubles worked out fine. My husband brought home a turkey baster, and I got the windshield fluid cleared out, and fixed the problems. I decided this morning that I had better get my errands done today since yesterday was a wash. I didn't want to go, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. My stress level was high, and I didn't know if I could handle dong the simple tasks I needed to do.

But I forced myself. I had to return the new kitten's ( we decided on Ripley as her name) kitty condo, because she hasn't taken any interest in it, all she wants is Copper's, and since they've been fighting the past 4 days, we thought it best to get her one similar. So I went into Petsmart, and found one the perfect size. It didn't match the house colors, but I figured it would be fine. Charcoal grey is neutral, right?? After all, it's a cat playground, it's not work of art. I was thrilled. I had paid the bills I needed to and found a new 'home' for Ripley. It felt so good to be out in the sunshine.

I phoned my husband, so glad I had forced myself to leave the confines of my cozy house. I excitedly told him I found a new cat house, but when I told him it was grey, he got a little anal, and said that it wasn't going to match the house, so don't bother bringing it in. When we were renovating the main floor of the house, I would notice my husband getting anal and really picky about colors- it was a joke more than anything. I would get a little bit annoyed, but it was never a big deal. But he was dead serious about this stupid cat house. I was instantly deflated.

To make matters worse, he told me how low our bank account was, and that means I will be forking over settlement money so we can pay the bills this month. I don't begrudge using the money, thank god I have it, but the timing of it couldn't have been worse. The stress level between the two of us is sky high, and this will just be one more factor that contributes to it.I am trying so hard to get back on my feet, and stabilize my emotions. This was just too much. A flood of tears overtook me, so I drove straight home. I wanted to drive the car into a tree, I felt so dejected and morose.

Everyday worries are nightmares for me. One moment I'm congratulating myself for a small achievement, and the next I'm sobbing about how stressful life is, and what a basketcase I am. When will this let up? When will I learn to control my anxiety, and not go into fits about things that I have no control over? I can't help it that I have an injury, but I worry about it every day. I can't make Aaron's dad better, but I obsess about how his illness will affect Aaron, his dad, and their business. If something little happens like today, and my husband is stressed and anal about something, I assume it must be all my fault. Why is that? I feel so responsible for his state of mind, which is pointless and illogical. He married me, knowing full well who I am, and what my issues are. We knew life wasn't always going to be sunshine and roses. Yet that guilt gets me every time, whether it's an issue like today, or something more serious.

I have tai chi later on today, so I'm hoping I can go in there and relax, just for that hour. God knows, if I don't find a way to cope, I will wind up in a padded room with a straight jacket on.