a dreamer

When I was 13, the CBC (Canadian channel) came out with a show called 'Talk 16.' It followed 3 girls around, documenting their lives. Looking back, I see it was one of the first reality shows. Anyway, I watched this program whenever I could, and used to pretend it was ME being followed by cameras and interviewed on screen. When I was 16, they came out with a 'Talk 19' that caught up with the girls and documented their lives as college students. I was still obsessed with it, and did the same pretending, while getting ready for school or doing my homework.

I think everyone, at some point, wishes for fame. When I was 4, I was going to be a singer, like my country music idol Reba McEntire. When I was 12, I was going to be a lawyer, like my uncle. When I was 16, I pursued modeling. When I went to college, I wanted to go into broadcast journalism, and become the next Katie Couric. I'm 27, and those dreams are washed out. I still regret dropping out of college, but I never would have met my husband had I stayed in school. There's the option of going back. I could transfer credits, and try to become a local journalist. But, somewhere, still active inside of me, I just want to be famous. I have a little bit of an addiction to celebrity gossip, and I can't help but wonder if that was me on those covers, would I be a happier person?? Logically, the answer is no. No amount of fame or money could change the way I feel about myself. It doesn't stop me from daydreaming though. I want to be recognized somehow, for something.

Part of the reason I want to right a book is selfish. I want people to know who I am. I want to tell my story. I'm reading a memoir about a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, who used a pen name, and remains anonymous. My husband and I got talking about the book, and my writing, and if I ever get anything published. He suggested I'd have to use a pseudonym, and I didn't object. But something in me sank. That would mean no one would know who I am. However, it would be the smartest move to make, because there are details of my life that no one but my husband knows about, and if my family ever found out, they would be disappointed... Crushed even.

Yet, I want to be able to say "Yeah, I did these things, and I made some bad choices. But everything that I've experienced has made me stronger. It's made me whole person. I am unashamed of who I am." How can I say that with a penname? Or, a better question is, how can I say that when I am ashamed of some of the things I've done? I hope that through more writing, some counseling, and good old fashioned life experience, I can gain some insight and some self love. Then it won't matter if it's my name on a book cover or not. It will matter that I accomplished a goal, and gained some self respect.