Fake it...Until you make it

What a week... I saw the shrink on Wednesday, met my new counselor and had a pain doctor's appt on Friday. The shrink is going to be taking care of my psychotropic drugs, and added a new antidepressant,and took me off of another. I cried like a baby in the counselor's office, which I didn't think would happen. I have never broken down and revealed sooo much in a first visit. I guess that was a sign of how wound up I had become. But, I felt a huge weight lift after finally just getting some of the shit out! I am hopeful that I can rebound, and finally sort out some things. The pain doc has ordered an MRI to be done on my cervical and thoracic areas. He is also going to be testing a nerve in my shoulder with an EMG. I have been ordered to quit my job, because he thinks that it has irritated my injury. That's a little scary, no working at all. But, I have to get my insurance liscense for the new job I'll be starting once I've got my green card. So, it will be a good time to study, write, and hopefully, heal some of the demons that I battle. My depression and anxiety only worsen my physical condition when I succumb to that darkness. So, with all these new happenings, I am hoping for change. I am looking forward to it. This doesn't mean it's nothing but sunny skies, but it means that I am actually being constructive, instead of destructive.

I was left with one phrase ringing in my ears after leaving the counseling session. Fake it till you make it. I've been to a lot of therapy over the years, and that's one thing I've never been able to do. But it makes sense, and I want to give it another shot.. It's so easy to get caught up in my own world, and become irritated at the little things.

For instance, my husband is a teaser. It's part of the way he shows his affection. But, when I'm wound up in a myriad of self esteem problems and internal conflict, I can't take a fucking joke. I just get so self involved, and surrender to the sadness and the worry and am not that pleasant to be around. I feel so guilty about that... And about so much more. It's time to release the shame I've been carrying about certain things I've done in my life. Because it affects my relationships and lack of. My defenses are always up. I feel like I'm not worthy of love, that I'm not a good person, that I'm a mess. It's hard for me to make friends. There have been a few girlfriends that I have gotten fairly close with since I moved to Indiana, but they have sort of faded away. I keep in touch with a few via email. I have some pregnant girlfriends, but we're not super close, they were Aaron's friends, and so mine by association.I just recently got back in touch with 2 friends from college. They're still in Canada and doing very well. I didn't leave on the best of terms with them, but we managed to move on.

I miss having girlfriends to do things with. Maybe I should sign up for a class of some sort... Something artsy or fun. I wish I didn' t have this damn injury, which keeps me from doing some of the activities I love to do. But I do, and if I want friends the only way to make that happen is to reach out.

We're having a Superbowl party tomorrow, and there's a girl I really like who's coming with her boyfriend. We've hung out in groups before, and she caught the bouquet at my wedding. But I'd like to get to know her, and maybe hang out and go shopping or out to eat. So, tomorrow's motto, is 'fake it till you make it.' There will be a fairly big group and my first impulse is to hide in my bedroom. But I refuse to do that. I want to be a good hostess, and have fun. Let's see if I can make that happen.