Where do I start? With the fact that I'm certifiably nuts, or with the other 'calamities' that have struck?

They say that cats can't transfer a virus to humans, but since the kitties have been sick, Aaron and I have become sick as hell. Maybe it's a strange coincidence, but I have my doubts... We are all on antibiotics or cold medications of some sort. It's quite the family. I had to disinfect everything this morning for the people that are coming over later, so that they don't get sick too. I think the lysol got to my head a little bit.

I went to my counselor on Friday, and it was very apparent to him that I am in a very deep depression, and if I continue to stay home by myself all day, every day; obsessing, crying, and worrying, I am going to wind up in the looney bin. He told me that he wanted me to start seeing him twice a week, and he also gave me some 'instructions' on getting through the day to day stuff. He thinks I need to find some support groups to meet with a few times a week, which he's checking out for me. He also thinks I need to do little things every day, for my benefit. Little things that would seem small to others, but that scare me to death. Every day, I must leave the house, and go somewhere public, be it the library, McDonalds, the grocery store, the gym, a coffee shop, even a church if I was so inclined... anywhere. He pulled no punches, and was very frank. He said "I'm issuing you a challenge, because I want you to prove to yourself that you don't have to be a slave to your fears and your emotions. This is going to be very difficult for you, I realize, but you need to get out of your comfort zone, because your coping mechanisms can be a detriment to you and those you love."

It all registered. Even with the fear of change, and the what if's, I know he is right. And somewhere inside me, there is a strong woman who can handle a lot, and who deserves more than this misery. I left with a book in hand, called 'Feel the Fear and DO It Anyway' which, ironically, both my mother and father had when I was growing up. My next appointment with him is on Monday night, so we'll see what else he's got in store for me...

The party I'm having this afternoon for a home based skin care line is much smaller than I anticipated. Out of the 10 or so girls I called, only 2 are coming. The rest didn't bother returning my phone calls, which hurt my feelings immensly. I feel like a loser, like a failure, and I'm just going to try and pretend like nothing is wrong. That whole 'fake it' thing again. My counselor said not to take it all so personally, but I have a hard time not taking it as a personal rejection. Out of all the girls I thought were friends, I only heard from 2... I understand that life is busy, and people have priorities, but when someone says she'll come, and then doesn't return my phone call, or someone neglects to return my call at all, it's pretty hard for me to think it doesn't have something to do with me.

I'm going to really try and enjoy this afternoon, even if it is a small group. At least those who are coming are girls that I have wanted to get to know better, so this will be a good opportunity for that. Hopefully I'll forget about the ones who aren't coming, and enjoy an intimate group of girls instead. Haha, that sounds sexual. Seriously though, I need this afternoon- I need to do this, whether I'm scared or feeling lousy.

Fake it. Act as if....

Act as if you're happy
When you feel like breaking down
Act as if you share your smiles
When normally, you'd frown

Act as if you always smile
Even if you cry
Act as if it comes with ease
Although you have to try

Act as if your life is worth
More than gems or gold
Act as if you sieze the day
Before you grow too old

Act as if your troubled past
Only strengthened you
Act as if you know the things
That will get you through

Act as if you're filled with love
When hate seeps in your soul
Act as if it has no place
Your heart is way too full

Act as if this silly poem
Makes the bad alright
Act as if you won't give up
But will take on the fight

cheesy poem by me...