Heavy Baggage

Counseling today! It is getting more interesting and intense as the sessions continue. Today, I had to read aloud the letter to myself, and what stuck out most to the therapist was the guilt and the shame that I carry about past mistakes and experiences. So, he did a little exercise. He threw a few blankets on me, and then kept piling things on until I was physically uncomfortable. The lesson was not lost on me. I realized that he was physically showing me the baggage I carry around on a daily basis, and how it affects my self image and state of mind. The bottom line I'm working toward accepting is that I am not the sum of my mistakes.

That's a difficult concept for me to accept. I see the truth in it, but it's very easy to continually beat myself up. I take full responsibility for the choices I've made. But, what I didn't realize is that I also take full responsibility for the things I couldn't, and can't control. I always assume everything is my fault, when in reality, that's just not the case. The guilt and shame weigh so heavily on me sometimes, which makes it very difficult to cultivate any sort of change. Letting go is hard to do. Forgiving myself is even harder. The important thing is that I am trying, and becoming more self aware every day.

Since my letter contained only one paragraph citing what I appreciate about myself, my 'homework' is to find at least ten more things I like about me. God that's hard to do, especially when my self image can be so distorted. Looking in the mirror, I often see the ugly, awkward teenager who was outcasted and afraid. I think maybe it's time to start writing notes to myself, and leaving them in key places to serve as reminders that I don't have to feel that way anymore, and I'm no longer that little girl.