Little Changes

It's hard to believe it's Tuesday already. Where do the days go??

We went out to a comedy show on Saturday night. I was looking forward to it, but it wasn't such a positive experience when the night was over. We went with 2 other couples, and had dinner first. The meal was great, and I enjoyed socializing with everyone, although I got comments all night about how skinny I am. (I'm not saying " woe is me, it's sooo hard to be a size 2," but when you're oversensitive like I am, it's hard to hear what you percieve to be criticism.) Jokes about me wasting away, when I'm already aware that I've lost a significant amount of weight, just make me feel bad.

The show itself, was uncomfortable to say the very least. The seating was ridiculously cramped, and the performance was two and a half hours. The comedians were funny enough, but I was having a hard time laughing. My neck and shoulders were aching, and my mind wasn't able to relax enough to enjoy the show. I could hardly move when the thing was finally finished. I was finished!! That was as much of a night out as I could take.

Everyone else, however, had other ideas. My husband wanted to go out, as did his friends, and I knew I wasn't going to make it. I had to swallow back my tears as I told my husband to have a good time and be careful... I wanted so badly to beg or manipulate him to come home with me. Before, I would have done that, and we would've inevitably fought. But I knew that would be childish and counter-productive. Aaron deserved a night out with his friends, and it was just too bad that I wasn't feeling up to it. As hard as it was for me to do, as much as I wished I was out with him, or he was home with me, I know that I acted with maturity.

I had a counseling session last night, and Aaron came with. We were both nervous. Aaron is in some ways, a man of few words. He's not crazy about therapy, though he has gone in the past. It's just an awkward experience for him. I knew that it would be hard for him to open up to this guy. But it went well. They got a feel for each other, which I think is important. I cried (as usual) during an exercise where Aaron had to look at me and tell me, "Alli, you are not a burden." That was the big issue of the night, me feeling as though I am a giant pain in the ass, and being more trouble than I'm worth. A guilt complex I have to get over!

I don't know that I had any startling revelations, but I do feel a sense of peace after the session. Wouldn't it be nice if I could carry that feeling all the way into my Tai Chi class tonight?! Instead of going in, frazzled and keyed up, I could go in calm and centered. It will dramatically help my practice if I can keep this feeling for the rest of the afternoon. I've learned how to get in touch with my 'Chi,' and frankly, I wish I could remain in that space all day, everyday.

One day at a time, fake it, and all that jazz.