Enough, already!

I was supposed to get my nerve block done tommorow, but I caught a bad virus, and now, it's got to be pushed back again. So here I sit, sick as a fucking dog, sniveling and coughing, worrying about how I'm going to get through the next month. It's no surprise that I am in a state of distress.

We have an interview with INS on May 4th, and I'm very nervous about that, with good reason. There is so much material to get around for immigration, and there may be some really uncomfortable questions directed toward me. I have my insurance classes from the 8th of May through the 12th, which I'll be out of town attending. I am supposed to take my exam 2-3 days after the classes end. The classes cost $400, and the exam is $60. How am I going to sit through this classroom for 10 hours a day? What if I fail this test? It will cost $60 every time I retake it. We NEED the money, I HAVE to go back to work.

Then, I get my nerve block done on the 17th. We have taxes to file, now that I have a social security number. We have to carpet the upstairs floor of our house before the end of May, so that my office furniture can be moved out of storage. I have to sqeeze in doctor's appointments, counseling, and possibly, more injections, by June 3rd.

Distraught doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I know I need to relax, but I'm scared. Tears are falling on the keyboard as I write. How am I going to get everything done? How am I going to be ready for a vacation and a job in June? Why do I feel like I'm taking 10 steps backward, when all I want and all I'm trying to do, is move forward. There's no use in pitying myself, but I am having a really hard time controlling my thoughts and emotions. When my thoughts go haywire, it does nothing to help my pain or my anxiety. It just further reiterates the cycle in my body.

I don't know if I have the strength in me to keep going. I feel so weak, and so useless. Everything seems as though it's bombarding me all at once. I'm buckling under the pressure. I feel like I can't breathe.