Shock Value

My internet connection is finally up and running! I've been without it for a week and going through serious withdrawals, thanks to a typical Indiana thunderstorm. I've been up all hours of the night, wishing for my internet as I fight my ever present insomnia.

I went in for my epidural on Monday afternoon, and if you ask me, it did not go so well. Last time I had it done, I had them sedate me with a drip. I decided to brave it this time. The doctor goes in under floroscopy- so he can see where he is precisely inserting the medication in the spinal space. I don't know if my nerves are just bunched up together from the herniated disks, or if he was being careless, but two separate times he touched nerves that sent literal shockwaves from my head to my feet. The first time it happened, I nearly fell off the table. The second time, I wanted to get up and leave. The doctor kept mumbling an empty apology, but I couldn't help but think to myself, 'Buddy, this is your job, and if your hands aren't steady enough, get those needles away from my fucking neck!' But instead, like a good girl, I braved the rest of the procedure.

My feet were numb right after the injections, and the doctor kept telling me it was nothing, just typical from the nerve jolt.(I've carelessly touched a live 120V socket, which is enough to shake you up a bit, but this one had me more than just a little dizzy) Yesterday, I woke up with a numb left foot, and today, it's the same. I can stick a needle in my foot and feel nothing. I've phoned the office, but no one has returned my call yet. Have I mentioned, that I'm getting really sick of doctors and waiting rooms, impatient assistants, and bossy nurses? Keeping a pain journal, logging in how I feel (with one being the best and ten being the worst)? Filling narcotic prescriptions every month and looking like a skeleton??It's all such frustrating bullshit sometimes.

If this procedure helped, I should notice within the first week. So far,I've had no relief. I'm supposed to go in for a second epidural in 2 weeks, but I'm going to be talking to my specialist first. There's no way I'm going back until my mind is at ease.

Today is a counseling day. I owe my therapist a list of ten more things I appreciate about myself, and I still haven't come up with them. I asked my husband for ideas, but like the smart guy he is, he said that would be defeating the whole purpose of the exercise. So, I've got until 2pm today to come up with something, or I go in, tail between my legs, and admit that I couldn't think of anything else I really like about myself. Won't that open up a Pandora's Box...