Reflecting

It's a beautiful spring morning. We've had nothing but grey skies for the last month, but the sun is finally shining and the temperature is finally rising. It feels like heaven. I see the birds hovering around their feeders, and hear the medley of their calls. My cats are laid out on the sunny spots in the sunroom, basking in the heat. Joggers are out in shorts, instead of caps and sweatshirts. These little things I find to be so inspiring. Moments of peace and contentment are rare, so I'm going to take it in for as long as I can, and maybe save some for a rainy day.

With all that has been going on both physically and mentally, the one thing that keeps circling around in my head is my writing. Day and night, it's always there. I want to write a book. Period. I don't care if it sells 2 copies or 200 000 copies. I just have this burning inside that is telling me to share my story, fully and completely. I have become more and more inclined towards psychology and the bigger questions in life. I feel like I'd make a really good counselor; I'd have the personal experience and the clinical knowledge. My therapist wrote a book, and said it only sold 1000 or so copies. I was in awe. I want that to be me. You don't need a Phd to counsel people, but I would get to go back to school. With all of my percieved and real obstacles, I just need to figure out the path to getting there. It won't happen overnight.

I'm still reading my boring insurance book... I had planned on taking the course this month, but since I don't have my SS# and I'm about to get needles in the spine again, I'm putting it off. My hope was to do the class in May and take the test before going on our Mexican fiesta, but that may not be possible either. So, that means I'm pushing it back to June, and won't start working until July. Sigh, the guilt I feel on this one is huge. Aaron is worrying himself to no end because he's not been doing great at work, and we're slowly draining my savings. Sometimes I look back, and regret settling for the amount that I did, but really, it was what I had to do at the time. I had so many medical bills, I was working illegally, and truly thought that I would be 'fixed' by now. There were no guarantees if we went to trial. My name would have been dragged through the mud. My husband's business could have been affected. I could have walked away with nothing.

What I am trying to remember when things get really tough, is that there is a lesson here for me, and quite possibly an opportunity. I can let myself drown in sorrow and always wonder what if, or I can try and glean something from each little hill and valley I cross.