The Cycle Continues

5 steps forward, 10 steps back... Sometimes I feel like that's the story of my life. I progress by leaps and bounds, and then find myself back in a major depression. The pain has been so severe since the surgery, and I know that is a huge reason I'm in tears and feeling hopeless. My doctors put me back on a nerve medication/antidepressant that I wasn't particularly fond of because I had no sex drive and I couldn't even have an orgasm... I am so desperate to feel better, and quickly, that I went ahead with the medication. Aaron had a fit, and once again, I'm sobbing uncontrollably, feeling like everything that has ever happened is my fault.

He's not angry at me, but he's sick and tired of the yo-yo that goes on with my doctors. Nothing has been consistent- not my treatment, my medications or my doctor's conclusions. I wanted to scream at Aaron,

" Don't you get it?? I'm desperate to feel better, and when all of my doctors have mentioned this medication, I feel like I should give it another shot. How much fucking fun am I to be around when I'm miserable and in pain?? Do you really want me this way for the rest of our lives? You think you're frustrated? "

I can imagine it must be very hard for him to watch me suffer, and I understand the frustration. But right now, I can't handle his aggravation, because I just feel like I'm to blame.

Waiting for things to look up...