The Meantime

The surgery is done and over with... There are now 5 areas in my neck and spine where the nerves have been burned off. The procedure wasn't a cakewalk... even with sedation. I had to be awake, because I had to tell the doctors what hurt and where... It's a wild process. I lay down on my stomach and the covered me with electrodes, blankets and an x ray vest. They hooked me up to a machine so they could see the structures of my spine, and injected Xylocaine into the facet joints that are believed to be causing some of my pain. They know they are in the right area if, when injected, I feel pain referring to another spot in my neck or shoulder. Then, they take an electric zapper-type thing, and instantly deaden the nerve endings. No one can actually see the nerves, so it's part science, part guess and test. The odds are 50/50. It may help tremendously, or do nothing at all. Of course, I'm hoping and wishing for the former.

I am waiting for relief to kick in. I've heard anything from it taking a few days to several weeks, if at all. I've also heard pain relief can last anywhere from 3 months to forever... It all depends on the person. So, I remain in limbo, hoping to stop the cycle. I find myself praying to a god I don't worship or even know if I believe in.

On the bright side, I am now a face model for Mary Kay cosmetics. Nothing uber- trendy, but flattering, nonetheless. I was in Wal-Mart just before we left for our Mexico, when a woman came up and said I was beautiful. When she told me she worked for Mary Kay, I thought 'Oh boy, someone trying to sell me more crap.' But instead, she asked if I would be interested in modeling make up looks for her MK consultants... She is high up in the business, with her pink car and all, and is responsible for training all of the new recruits on techniques and different looks. How could I say no to that? It's once a week, and I get free stuff out of the deal, which is more than enough payment for me. I am supposed to go tommorow night for the first time, so I hope to be feeling at least a little bit better. It will be a great opportunity to meet some new people, and maybe even make some friends.

So, how ironic is it that I pulled up my myspace page, ( where I foolishly put a picture I thought I looked good in for 'ranking') and somebody rated me a 4/10. Silly me. Why would I ever put my fragile ego at risk? I quit using that site months ago, because it seemed like people were only there to hook up, but a friend got me back on it... Now, my feelings are hurt, and I feel like that ugly duckling back in junior high. All because of one stupid number I set myself up for. I face a constant battle with the girl in the mirror, and I let anonymous jerks send me into a frenzy. Lesson learned-don't allow people to 'rate' me, even if 'everyone else' is doing it.