Obsessions

I woke up with a painless red rash on my thighs this morning, and I've been obsessing about it ever since. Shaving? Oh my god, bed bugs? Skin cancer? Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind the fuck up. I've been given suggestions by my counselor, but unless I do them consistently, I don't think they will work.

Speaking of my counselor... I have only been once since we got back on June 13. The week I went the first thing he said to me was,

"You've gained weight!"

Now, I know that being 5'8" tall, and weighing 110 or 115 pounds is very very slim. Especially when you have tits like me, and then the rest of your body is a twig. Anyway, I was floored when he greeted me with this. I had gained 5 pounds in Mexico, going up to 115, and my counselor had the nerve to address it? His comment put me in a puddle onthe floor, and we spend a majority of the session talking about it. I was insulted... "Hey, you look healthy" would have been a great way of telling me I was looking a little less skeletal. I was so insulted, even though I knew what he meant. But, that conversation also got me to realize that I have become obsessed with my weight, and staying thin. I used to be happy at a healthy 125 pounds and now, I wouldn't dream of letting the scale creep up that high. Some of the weight loss is from medication, but some of it is definitely from my diet. I eat nothing but fiber rich, low saturated fat foods when we're not on vacation or treating ourselves. Carefully, I monitor how much I eat. For some reason, though I hate being called too skinny, I've used it as motivation to stay thin. I had my body fat tested, and it is low enough to possibly stop my period, 10.5 %... and I don't work out. I do cardio and tai chi, but nothing really high impact and no weights.

Is this the beginning of an eating disorder? Am I becoming too obsessed with wearing a size 2 and numbers on the scale? Instead of tackling this question with my therapist, I've avoided him. In my gut, I know that I need to go and talk to him, but part of me really likes hearing people tell me how thin I am. It's like I was fat before....Sigh. I've had lots of issues, but never this. I need to get a handle on it before it spirals out of control. But I feel so in control. And considering I feel like my body is failing me sometimes, and it's completely out of my control, maybe this is a coping mechanism I've turned to...

I am going in for a rhizotomy on Friday at noon. They are burning off a whole lotta nerves in my cervical spine, and I'm going to be getting my scalene muscles blocked (numbed). I'm scared because these are 2 procedures I've never had done before...Is all of this really happening? Can't it just be a bad dream?