Learning Curves

I had the nicest day with my (step) mother in law (mil) yesterday... I've been dragging my ass lately, and I was TIRED of being home, especially with the construction going on in the basement. All I could think about was a long hot bath... Not a hot tub in 80 degree weather, but a long soak in a spa. My in laws have a beautiful house, and a masterbath I would give up a kidney for. Knowing I was aching and wanting some healthy relaxation, she let me destress in her dream bathroom. She had lovingly set up the ethereal music, candles, a stack of reading material and a ton of bath products, complete with a fresh robe and new slippers. I laid in that tub until I was wrinkly and falling asleep. It was the most kind, generous thing of my mil to do. Afterwards, she made us some lunch, and we spent the afternoon socializing. There was no JW agenda- she didn't preach at all. Aaron wasn't going to be home for dinner, so I wound up eating dinner with both of my in laws. Something I honestly never thought would happen. I think I was there until nearly 9 pm. When I closed my eyes last night, all I felt was gratitude. And loved.

I have plans with an online buddy tomorrow night, and I'm super excited about it. We met on myspace, and quickly found out we share the same raunchy sense of humor. So we're going to have dinner, and maybe wreak a little havoc on a Friday night.

I've started making a webpage... I'm starting a support group/educational site to help women like me, who struggle with depression, chronic pain and other ailments. I don't know anything about web design, so I plan on grabbing HTML for Dummies after I have my template finished. Right now, I've got a free space on geocities, but ultimately I want to buy my own domain name and get creative. I want to use this project as a catalyst for more healing and change, not just for me, but for others as well..

One of my biggest challenges is letting my pain get the best of me. I find it extremely difficult to even carry on a conversation when my head is throbbing and my shoulders are burning. But if I continue to allow myself to be a prisoner to pain, (be it physical or mental) I'm going to miss out on a lot in life. I just get so damn frustrated when we have plans for something, because I obsess over all of the negative possibilities. I worry about enjoying myself to the point where I become my own killjoy.

Usually it happens when we make group plans, because I can't always keep up everyone else, so I fret about back up plans and what to do if I can't handle it. And so, before we've even left the house, I'm concerned about my ability to let go and have fun. Case in point: the Notre Dame home game on Saturday. We have plans to go tailgating, and Aaron is going to the game. There's no way I can sit through a game. I've tried with this injury, and it's miserable. Sitting on a concrete stadium seat with no back support is no fun. So I already know I'm missing out on that. But that's only half of it. What about tailgating? What if I get out there and feel horrible? What if I can't stand the antics I know are bound to happen? Part of me wants to just say 'fuck it' and stay home, but the other part of me knows that if I do so, I'll be at home all day, having my own pity party. The pressure I put on myself has got to stop. Otherwise, this bitch is going to explode.