Thrown for a loop

Gasp. I'm in shock. I am officially unemployed. I don't have a job waiting for me, because the company is in ruins. This means it's time to recoup whatever losses I have, and decide what direction I want to go in. I feel like the last few months have been a complete waste. I don't want to be an insurance salesman, but that's all the damn lisence I have is good for, in a starting position. That was never the plan because I had what I thought were solid connections and a great job lined up. But things change. I may end up with a mall job, I might be in reception somewhere. Who knows, maybe I'll be a bartender. I have a few contacts that may be of help. I can't go back to cleaning or dancing. That's the one thing I do know. But other than that, I'm in a state of disbelief. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, but if so, it's wearing one hell of a mask.

I had a moment this afternoon that felt like it was straight out of an indie movie. I was waiting in the chiropractor's office, which is an old house, filled with old furniture, carpeted walls, and magazines like Guideposts and Reader's Digest. There was a sad symphony playing on the stereo, and the classified section of the paper was laying out. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scanned through the ads, and wondered where in the hell I'm going with my life. As I looked up for a moment, I saw a motivational poster on the wall, talking about not wasting precious days, because our time on earth is limited. Fear and a sense of failure overwhelmed me... Back to square one. Again. Failure is my biggest fear, and I can't even define what failure is to me. Yet I feel it, burning deep inside, telling me I'll never get anywhere.