Huh? It's Christmas already?

The holidays have snuck up on me this year. Normally, I am listening to carols in November...I love this time of year. But with Aaron and I going through growing pains, and finding out that my 13 year old sister did something incredibly stupid and irresponsible while here visiting me, Christmas has been the furthest thing from my mind. I've bought the gifts, a little tree is up, and the wrapping is done (with the help of my partner in crime, tha O.D.E) but it feels like I'm just going through the motions. There have been things more important that have taken up space in my head, I suppose. I want to strangle yet save my little sister. And I can't. Man, I carry guilt about leaving when she was young. Could I have helped her make better choices? She's too young to know the consequences of her actions, and it kills me inside.

I just learned I am being refered to a new doctor, locally, in an effort to either offer a new direction, or as more ammunition for our case with Cigna. If he suggests the same things we've already tried, maybe they will see the need for specialized care. I want off this pain medicine more than ever, but it's a double edged sword. My pain is at least managable with my current regimen, however, it is only serving as a cover up. I want to get to the root of the problem. Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head. When I feel happy, the pain is way easier to tolerate, and even forget for a moment. But when I am under duress, the pain is the hardest thing in the word to tolerate.

So much going through my head. Too much to think about, almost too easy to succumb to the feeling of being completely overwhelmed. I know I can't control anyone but me, but even that is a task in itself...Where are those big girl boots?? I need 'em.

Maybe I should find a winter solstice party and rock out with some pagans:)