Party Of One

It's as if I'm trapped in a tunnel... Where I can hear voices passing me by, all filled with laughter, and I can't find my way toward the light. I'm not supposed to hole up in the house when I feel this way, and I obeyed the counselor's orders. It's just a shame that I feel worse, mentally, instead of better, after venturing out into the outside world. It was a painful reminder that the relationships I have are too few and far between, and that I am still in a place of confusion and isolation. I want to reach out to the couple of friends that I have, but I don't want them to see this side of me. There's nothing pretty, funny, goofy or sexy about my constant struggle to find lasting happiness.

My stomach bug has given way to some sort of head cold. Another reason I'm so blue, I'm sure. I just want to feel healthy- in both mind and body. I've hardly spoken to Aaron since he's been home from his New Year's trip. We're not fighting, but I won't let him in. I don't want to go over the same bullshit about why I'm 'sad.' He's heard it all before. We go through the motions of conversation, but I just get frustrated at his attempts to make me laugh with his jokes that hit too close to home. So, I let my emotions out secretly, when no one is around. I use my new video camera as a diary and pretend that I'm talking to a best friend who doesn't exist.

Tears are supposed to be cleansing. I find them to be the exact opposite. The tears I cry make me feel ashamed and silly. I could have it worse. So why doesn't that provide me with solace? Why do I isolate myself when I know damned well that I only become more detached and upset? The answer probably has to do with personal boundaries; if I don't let anyone in, there is less risk of getting my feelings hurt or being rejected. But the cycle just continues. Being alone leads to sadness, and sadness leads to being alone... I just don't know if I can trust anyone with my fragile mess of emotions. I have so few friends, it's like, I'd almost rather keep them at a distance so they won't realize what a crazy bitch I am and desert me. What I need the most - a support system - is what I deny myself, because I don't want to be a pain in anyone's ass. Most people have their friends in place at my age. I wish I had that. I wish I knew how to reach out without feeling like a burden. I wish I knew how to make and keep friends, instead of just floating in and out of people's lives. I wish I loved myself enough to trust others with my broken spirit.

Instead, I pour out my soul onto this stupid computer; broadcasting my issues to the world.