Just another day

And with mood shifts come the increased aches and pains... I'm definitely experiencing the ebb and flow of life. The good days are awesome, and the bad days are not quite so intolerable. I've tuned into the swiftness with which my mood can change. It's as if I'm a snake, waiting quietly, hissing, before I lunge. Fortunately, I've been able to write after a noticable mood swing or upsetting event. Unfortunately, I am still very hard on myself when I catch myself in the act of reacting.


I've been more 'keyed up' for the last 3 days. Slowly, my trapezius muscles and scalenes have tightened to the point where motion is extremely limited. My ribs hurt, my shoulder hurts. Today I woke up and immediately, before even moving, I could feel that agonizing burn. Mentally, I'm not at my worst, but my anxiety is up. I have constant butterflies in my stomach that won't go away. I'm trying the 'exercises' given to me by my therapist for moments of distress, but it's an effort. I bet when I look back, getting off of painkillers will probably be a cakewalk compared to changing my long held behavioral patterns and emotional responses.



I went for a walk this afternoon at my usual spot. It helped, although the walk in itself was much harder than usual. It's sunny and warm out though, and I refused to just lay in the house all day. I hadn't walked since Friday morning, and that could have been just one small piece of the whole mind/body enigma I'm trying to figure out.

Aaron has become increasingly frustrated with my weight issues... The fact is, he has done everything short of physically shove food down my throat to get me to gain some weight. He tells me I look like I need a fucking hamburger, and I've gone beyond thin and sexy. Why does the mind play tricks on the body? Logically, my weight is too damn low. But I don't see that in the mirror. My therapists are trying to help with all of this, but I'm resisting, and I know it. I'm afraid that if I gain just 10 pounds, I won't be able to control my weight at all. But I'd still be a thin girl at 115 pounds- that was my high school weight! I don't get it. I've never had body issues like this before. I might not be confident in many ways, but my figure was rarely a cause for any concern. I gained the typical freshman 15 in college, but managed to find a healthy balance and overall, liked my figure and curves.

Am I switching addictive behaviors? How much of a role does control (or the illusion of it) play in all of the things I'm dealing with?