wasteland

After a detox from hell and nearly six months of being pain medication free, my doctors want to put me back on Vicodin. I have a neurologist who thinks I should use it every day (um, hello, that's how I got to be dependent on it in the first place) while the pain specialist thinks that having some on hand, for the really bad days is reasonable. All I know is that I REFUSE to go back to that zombie-like state that I used to be in. I was on so much medication, it was sick. I didn't take a prescription today because I don't know that it's the best idea for me. It can be a very fine line to walk, and I don't want to end up addicted again.

The epidural didn't seem to help. Which isn't good. It was hopefully going to give me a better picture of what was causing the pain, but it didn't. It's been over four years since that fucking accident. Surgery may not even be an option, but I am going to see someone who comes highly recommended in Ft. Wayne for a consult anyway. It still can't be ruled out, but no doctor (and I've seen so many over the years ) can find the exact source of the pain. We've identified the problems, but some of it remains an enigma. It is beyond frustrating.

I'm a little angry at life right now. I'm young- I should be in the prime of my life. But instead I'm just trying to make it from one day to the next. I am not gaining independence at the rate I want to, and it agitates me. I will be 29 in October, and I feel like I'm so far behind. I never imagined this as my future...and now, there are all of the doubts that are plaguing me about my marriage and my place in this world. I truly feel like I don't know who I am or what I want or even what I'm capable of anymore. If I ever did. You could attribute that to my 'borderline personality,' as that sort of thinking is a symptom, but again, I don't know what is me and what is the so-called disorder.

There is so much I want to change, and I don't know what's practical and within my reach and what are just delusions of grandeur. I am genuinely confused about everything in my life right now...I don't want to live, and just 'get by.' That's not me, not deep down. Yet that's what I've been doing for so long, in order to cope. I feel like my days are wasted, and I don't know how to make them more productive. I don't know how to step out of this isolation tube I've been in for so long. I want to take the world by storm, and live every day to the fullest. Why is that such a challenge?