The Enemy

Guilt is:
Feeling of responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others.
Feeling of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present.
Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings, or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary, or non-accepting concerning yourself or others.
Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, not helping, or not placating another.
Feeling of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical, stereotype manner.
Feeling of loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you.
Accepting of responsibility for someone else's misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer.
Motivator to amend all real or perceived wrongs.
Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a "wrong'' course of action; however, you assign your own definitions to the words. Driving force or mask behind which irrational beliefs hide.

What can guilt do to you?
Guilt can:
Make you become over responsible, striving to make life ``right.'' You over give of yourself. You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone happy.
Make you over conscientious. You fret over every action you take as to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants.
Make you over sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all of your personal actions, words, and decisions. You are sensitive to the cues of others where any implication of your wrong doing is intimated.
Immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being ``wrong'' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo.
Interfere in your decision making. It is so important to always be "right'' in your decisions that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one.
Be hidden by the mask of self denial. Because it is less guilt inducing to take care of others first, instead of yourself, you hide behind the mask of self denial. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that "guilt'' is the motivator for such "generous'' behavior.
Make you ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by guilt or the fear of it, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life nor experience the negative aspects.
Be a motivator to change. Because you feel guilt and the discomfort it brings, you can use it as a barometer of the need to change things in your life and rid yourself of the guilt.
Be a mask for negative self belief. You may actually have low self-esteem, but claim the reason for your negativity is the overwhelming sense of guilt you experience.
Mislead or misdirect you. Because many irrational beliefs lie behind guilt, you may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with yourself when you are experiencing guilt; be sure that your decisions are based on sound, rational thinking.

Reading this was like looking in a mirror.

My thoughts are often consumed with guilt. So much so, that I ignore logic, and act soley on emotion. I feel guilty that Aaron is 'stuck' with a woman who is a mental basketcase. I feel guilty because I deal with depression and sometimes am downright miserable to be around. I feel guilty that I have an injury which keeps me from doing certain things-something that is completely out of my control. I feel guilty for not being the wife I thinkI should be. The list is endless.

The cycle of depression I deal with wreaks havoc on my relationships and my well being. It's a proven fact that the mind can do miraculous things to heal the body and spirit. Yet time after time, I go up and down. The downs are what scare me. I can't stop crying. I blame myself for everything; somehow it must all be my fault. I sleep for hours on end, just so I don't have to think and because my body is so damn exhausted from beating itself up over and over.

I want to stop this cycle, once and for all. I have returned from my counseling hiatus, and am acutely aware of my fragile state of mind. Nothing can be healed overnight, but progress can be made. The hardest part is bouncing back when I've hit a low such as this. The only thing self blame will give me is a heart attack or more misery. I'm still young. There is still time to change old, destructive patterns. I just have a hell of a lot of work to do. And it may never stop. I may always have to see a therapist and monitor my emotions. But people overcome bigger obstacles than the ones I face. It's just a matter of heart and determination.