Midnight Misery

It’s 12:20 am, and surprisingly, I’m awake. We have some friends over, but they are all drinking out in the hot tub, and I needed to ice my neck. I tried to have a glass of wine tonight, but it just didn’t go down well. I miss the days of being able to just relax and hang out, without being the ‘cripple’ who acts like she’s 58 instead of 28. Often I battle feelings of resentment, because I’m always the one to go home early or bail on plans because of pain- be it physical or mental.

Sometimes I feel very sorry for myself. I wonder, ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ I wallow and grieve in my misery. I’m sure no one knows the pain I face. At some point I realize my selfish line of thinking, and guilt comes creeping in. I could have it far worse. I should be smart enough to appreciate the blessings I do have, instead of concentrating on the struggles. It just seems that negativity has been surrounding me my whole life. My first instinct is always to look at the downside. My attitude is that of a defeatist.

Will I ever be able to unload some of this heavy baggage? Because it’s heavy, and with each step I take, I’m getting more and more exhausted. What happens when the burden becomes too much to carry? Can I stop myself from reaching that point?