No one's fault but mine

I've done it again... Gone and potentially messed things up for myself. I've been in bed, silently weeping, so I don't wake Aaron, and finally I had to come down and write, because at the moment, it's the only thing I have.

I'm famous for my procrastination. It's always been a problem for me. This time, it may really come and bite me in the ass. I've been driving on my expired Canadian license and putting off going to take my Indiana learner's permit exam-partly because I'm lazy, partly because I think it's bull shit that I should have to go through the motions. I was always under the impression that my license would just transfer over, easy as pie. But because I'm from out of the country, I have to get a permit, and then wait at least 2 months before taking my driving test. I've been home for months, and had all the time in the world to read the BMV booklet, but instead, I find other things to do with my time. And now, it may cost me my job.

I was given some paperwork to fill out by my new employer, and they want to run a background check on me. Apparently it's standard procedure on all new hires. I don't have any kind of criminal record, and my driving record is perfect as well. However, because I don't have a license, they have no way to verify that. I doubt my state id will suffice. I left a message with my boss, explaining the situation, but won't hear back until tomorrow. I'm freaking out because once again, I've fucked up. And there's no one to blame but myself. I've been frantically reading the driver's manual, but nothing is even registering due to the fact that I'm too busy browbeating myself. I have to go tomorrow and try and pass the damn learner's permit test if I can calm down. I can't believe I was so stupid and lazy. God, I'm nearly 28, and I still keep screwing things up.

To make matters worse, I lost a refill prescription for my anxiety medication. I don't know when or how I lost it, but I've torn the house apart searching for the little blue piece of paper. It's nowhere to be found. It's a controlled substance, and I don't know that I can call my doctor and tell him I've lost it. I think because of the nature of the drug, I'm going to have to tough it out until my next appointment, and taper down my dose so that I don't get withdrawal symptoms. Again, I feel so STUPID! How could I be so careless with something so important? Where is my head at? Obviously, straight up my ass.

So I'm overreacting about the unknowns... Thinking of all the worst case scenarios, and basically just torturing myself. What if I can't work because of my license issues? What if I freak out even worse with a lower dose of medication? I'm scaring myself into an absolute frenzy, but can't stop the thoughts. These last few weeks have been hell. Aaron and I have been fighting because I'm such a goddamned basketcase, and can hardly function. And now this. How could I have been so stupid and lazy?