Cursed
There are seven prescription pill bottles on my nightstand. Celexa for depression. Norco and time released Morphine for pain. Zanaflex for muscle spasms. Valium for anxiety and muscle spasms. Lyrica, some expensive medication, for nerve pain. And finally, Ambien for sleep. I loathe each pill.
I just returned from the new consulting doctor, and he is taking me off everything but my antidepressants and sleeping pills. I've cursed each day I've had to wake up and swallow 4 pills at a time, but now, knowing that I won't have that crutch is terrifying me. The doctor says it's too much medicine for a young woman to be on- and I don't disagree with that. The side effects suck and I don't even know how well the medication works anymore. But I am so scared of the withdrawal symptoms that will inevitably come with stopping all medication. I was told point blank that I was going to be very uncomfortable for a while, and that I was just going to have to tough it out. The withdrawal symptoms include nausea, vomiting, increased pain, stomach aches, hot and cold flashes, diarrhea... Basically a flu from hell, with a side of extra pain.
Tough it out?? Don't they know I've been toughing it for almost four years??? I can't stop crying. I am afraid. Does this mean I'm an addict? I didn't ask for these drugs. Not one of them. But now, looking at the future without them causes my heart to beat faster and my palms to sweat. Damn the doctor who has been steadily loading me up on pain medication. It's not him that will have to endure the increase in pain or the days in bed, too sick and sore to move. It's not him that has been in a medicated haze for 2 years. I have lost so much of myself, and now, it's as if I'm being tested to see how much I can reclaim. Who knows how much of what I say and think is just the medication talking???
This can't be my life. It has to be a nightmare and I just haven't woken up yet.
The feelings of isolation loom closely overhead again. I don't know how I am going to get through this. At the time when I need the most support, I have the least.
In need of a big hug and a whole lot of courage.
posted by Alli @ 11:37 AM
4 Comments:
Hugs and Courage from Canada! You can do this Allie. It will suck but you can do it, and then you can talk me through it when I go off my anti-depressants in the spring. I have been begging my doctor to take me off, and she insists that I can't handle my divorce and winter without them. I too want to rediscover myself. I know that I am really cool, and I just want to be me all by myself again. Remember that it is going to be bad for awhile, but then it will get better as you will be in charge of your body and your mind again. You can do it.
Oh Ali,
My heart aches for you and I understand so much of what you say.
I need to tell your heart this -
It will get better, don't let go.
You have shown me that you are a fighter. I know that you are tired of having to fight.
I agree that what you are having to deal with sucks.
I agree that it is not fair.
You should be angry.
No one in your shoes would not be scared.
Give yourself credit that you are still getting out of bed every morning. You are still pouring your heart out and asking for encouragement and help. You are still going to doctor after doctor with hope of a better solution.
You are still strong. Stronger than you know. Perhaps stronger than you have ever been.
I discovered that it has been in my times of greatest weakness that I have found my greatest strength.
Maybe you need to come to Calgary and collect your "hugs and courage" in person.
I have been through the Morphine withdrawl and would be happy to help you through yours in any way I can! Hah, my drug alarm just went off ...
Allison,
I promise you that things will be okay. I agree with Heather - you should come and get hugs in person! I miss you very much and wish I was closer to hang out with you and listen in person. I want you to know that you will get through this and that you do have friends and you are loved. I have seen and known you through many things and while I don't claim to know everything I know nothing would ever be enough for me to just leave. Please give me a call or drop me an email - I would love to talk with you. I know you hate asking for help but people need other people, there is nothing wrong with that. I hope to talk to you soon,
Love,
Caroline
Blurry and distorted decision making capabilities are from being off our true path, and they get worse as we get further away. Each must find their gift(s) and be their awesome and wonderful self to the best of their ability and put out as much good energy as they can. The answers are all easy, we always know our true paths unless very, very far from them. It’s the choices we make. Life is merely the consequences of our own decisions.
Free will is the choice each has every moment to decide either to be our awesome and wonderful self or our fragile bag of shit self.
With balance, control, and understanding of good and bad energy, paying attention, being aware internally and externally, learning and growing, gathering consciousness, one is better at being their awesome and wonderful self more moments. Put enough moments together and your dreams come true. Absolutely!
My sincerest best thoughts and good energy for health, happiness and harmony.
Sapere aude!
Peace, Light and Love
Rob @ guldies.net
I was asked to post here by someone who cares. :-) Sending you love and light.
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