It Comes

I can feel it today... My body asking for the medication it's used to. I've been hot and cold all day, my hands are shaky, and last night, I was only able to sleep for three hours. For no reason at all, my heart rate increases and I suddenly feel that queasy, nervous sensation in my gut. It has been coming and going since I woke up at 12:30 this morning. It's almost easier to be awake at night. The dark seems to welcome me, and somehow, keeps me calm. It's ok to be alone in the wee twilight hours. It's the days that have been the hardest; I am alone with just my thoughts, which don't like to be silenced. Daytime is when most people are out living their lives. Right now, for me, the daytime is just about getting though.

Aaron told his best friend about what is going on, which is so humiliating... I have a messy history with his best friend, and while we are cordial now, there's no love there. Anyway, he told Aaron that he could tell I was drugged up lately. I can't describe how much hearing that comment stung. It just adds to the shame and anger I am dealing with. So many emotions swirl through my head. So many unanswered questions swim around in my brain.

I sit here nervously shaking, wanting to keep typing but not able to express my thoughts because they are so congested and fleeting. It's times like these I wish I believed in god.