Who do you need when you come undone?

Each day is a battle, a shock to the senses. Everything feels intensified. Magnified. I'm sleep deprived and constantly anxious. I want to jump out of my skin at times, because I feel so uneasy. Maybe crazy is a more accurate word.

I spent the afternoon with my friend O yesterday, and I felt so incredibly awkward. Over and over I kept hearing myself apologize and self analyze. She definitely helped provide a diversion for my mind, yet I felt so scrutinized and uncomfortable...But it had nothing to do with her- it was all me. This girl is the funniest, sweetest, most openminded girl in the world, and she's made it clear that she cares for me as a friend should. But when I can't tolerate me, how on earth can anyone else? The urge to go into my self protective, detrimental secluded space is stronger than ever. I don't want to be the downer, and part of me thinks that if I just stay away from people, I won't have that problem. But I also know that when I tear away all the scar tissue and neuroticism, I'm not that sad girl. I'm far more, and I know that O has seen that quirky, silly, sexy side of me. If she didn't believe in me, we wouldn't be friends. But I feel like a circus freak right now, and I don't want to scare her away.

My husband is doing his very best to support me. He's finally, after almost 6 years together, convinced me to tell him what's wrong when he asks, instead of saying 'nothing.' I never want to be a burden, and presently, I feel like a pretty big one to carry. It is incredibly hard for me to say ' I feel ______ and need _______.' But with me at the place where I feel the most vulnerable, I had to open up to Aaron, instead of silently harboring the thunderstorm of emotions I'm feeling. He has always wanted to just fix me. That's how many men are. They want to find the logical solution and solve the problem for you. While I love him for it, we both know that nothing he will ever do can 'fix' me. Hopefully, with counseling, I can learn how to hear him better, and he can learn how to understand me better. I feel like such a fucking disappointment. The wife who got hooked on prescription pills.

People are telling me that it's not my fault, but I carry the burden of guilt anyway. No one forced me to take this medication, and I knew that tolerance would occur with long term use. But, I didn't know it would take away my sense of self, and turn me into a weak and tired girl. It's been nearly four years since the accident, and I can defintively say that the medication, on the whole, did not improve my quality of life. In the beginning when just a pill or two could knock out the pain for a while, it helped. But, now, never being pain free and being on enough medicine to kill a small horse, there is no logical reason to endure the side effects. My body chemistry is so fucked right now, and it's going to take a lot of heart and a lot of strength to get through to the other side. It's hard to look for the light, because I can't see into the future and no doctor holds any clear cut answers. I'm still in the very beginning stages of all of this, and the uncertainty is maddening.

8 years after getting the kanji symbol for 'strength' tattooed on my back, I am only now just learning about what real strength is.