Spent.

Exhausted, I'm finished with my first day back at work. I thought I'd be easing back into the workforce... WRONG. It was more like a giant leap into completely unfamiliar territory. From 8am to 5:15 pm, I was busier than I've been in the last five months. I'm still in shock. I was bombarded left and right with all sorts of tasks. Except for answering the phone, I don't have a clue as to what I'm doing. I know it's got nothing to do with my insurance license though. It's supposed to be training and experience. It's training, all right. Training to be a fucking lackey who does the jobs no one else wants for a meager paycheck. I'm trying to stay positive, but damn, I'm whipped. My body hurts, as does my brain. I'm ready for bed.


Why, oh why, didn't I finish college? And why am I not doing what I am LICENSED to do- which is enrolling, customer service, and human resources for an INSURANCE company... I'll hang in there, in hopes that things will work out like I've planned. But I'm frustrated and tired, so I'll save the rant. Maybe it will get better. At least I made it through one hell of a day without shedding a single tear. ( And I wanted to cry, soooo badly, but I remained stoic.) I've worked worse jobs than this- I just got paid more. Now, I'm supposed to be a professional, but I feel like servant. The only difference is that I'm dressed up in nice clothes.

Sigh, baby steps...

Back in the land of the sane.

As difficult as the week began, it ended far better. Yesterday, we made a last minute decision to go out to the lake and spend the day in the sun. It was 94 degrees, so what better way than to spend a beautiful summer day on a boat surrounded by friends? Today, we went and saw Clerks II for the second time. Again, I laughed my ass off. Jay and Silent Bob never get old, and Kevin Smith never fails to make me laugh with his homage to movies past and his glib diatribes.
My emotions have come back under control again, but sometimes I wonder about myself... I get so overwhelmed and irrational. Especially if I have PMS. Hormones do wacky things to the mind. Combine that with my apprehension about going back to work tomorrow, and my other personality quirks, and you get a very emotional woman. I get embarrased when I read some of my overwrought blog entries, but they are a part of me. If nothing else, I own how I feel, and have faith that someday, I won't be so hard on myself. Or so volatile. The roller coaster of my emotions can be a tough one to ride, but it's never boring.

So, as I sit here, slightly terrified about rising with the sun tomorrow morning, I also have smile on my face. Another chapter is about to start, and I have bounced back from the depths of despair once again, proving to myself that there is good in me, and greater things in store.

Wound Up

This morning was a living hell. From 11:30 last night, until 4:30 this morning, I couldn't control my emotions at all. I suspect it was a panic attack, brought on because I was being so hard on myself. The tears wouldn't stop. The thoughts kept circling around in my head, over and over. Eventually, Aaron woke up and wanted to take me to the hospital, because I was so upset and couldn't calm down. He finally convinced me to take a pill ( the said medication that was causing part of the worries) so that I could calm down. I finally fell into a fitful sleep for a couple of hours.

Upon waking, everything came rushing back. I immediately put a call into my counselor, as well as my physician to explain about the lost prescription. I am waiting to hear back from both of them. I don't dare call my boss until I regain composure. (That is, if I still have a job). My anxiety is still sky high, and I need to do something to bring it down, because I can't sit here, crying and agonizing all day. Tai Chi would help. So would taking a walk. But I feel so stuck, I know I'm going to have to force myself to do anything. I've hit lots of highs and lows in my life, but this particular incident has really thrown me for a loop. But life goes on, whether I want it to or not, and I have to deal with this somehow. Please, please, let me do something constructive, instead of destructive. Beating myself up won't help matters. It's just the thing I know how to do best.


Update- I spoke to my boss, and the license isn't an issue for him. Once again, another famous overreaction by Alli. Just as my long suffering husband said, everything will be okay. Time to get some sleep and study for that fucking learner's permit.

Oh, and did I mention I found the 'lost' prescription safely tucked away in my underwear drawer??? Silly, silly girl.

No one's fault but mine

I've done it again... Gone and potentially messed things up for myself. I've been in bed, silently weeping, so I don't wake Aaron, and finally I had to come down and write, because at the moment, it's the only thing I have.

I'm famous for my procrastination. It's always been a problem for me. This time, it may really come and bite me in the ass. I've been driving on my expired Canadian license and putting off going to take my Indiana learner's permit exam-partly because I'm lazy, partly because I think it's bull shit that I should have to go through the motions. I was always under the impression that my license would just transfer over, easy as pie. But because I'm from out of the country, I have to get a permit, and then wait at least 2 months before taking my driving test. I've been home for months, and had all the time in the world to read the BMV booklet, but instead, I find other things to do with my time. And now, it may cost me my job.

I was given some paperwork to fill out by my new employer, and they want to run a background check on me. Apparently it's standard procedure on all new hires. I don't have any kind of criminal record, and my driving record is perfect as well. However, because I don't have a license, they have no way to verify that. I doubt my state id will suffice. I left a message with my boss, explaining the situation, but won't hear back until tomorrow. I'm freaking out because once again, I've fucked up. And there's no one to blame but myself. I've been frantically reading the driver's manual, but nothing is even registering due to the fact that I'm too busy browbeating myself. I have to go tomorrow and try and pass the damn learner's permit test if I can calm down. I can't believe I was so stupid and lazy. God, I'm nearly 28, and I still keep screwing things up.

To make matters worse, I lost a refill prescription for my anxiety medication. I don't know when or how I lost it, but I've torn the house apart searching for the little blue piece of paper. It's nowhere to be found. It's a controlled substance, and I don't know that I can call my doctor and tell him I've lost it. I think because of the nature of the drug, I'm going to have to tough it out until my next appointment, and taper down my dose so that I don't get withdrawal symptoms. Again, I feel so STUPID! How could I be so careless with something so important? Where is my head at? Obviously, straight up my ass.

So I'm overreacting about the unknowns... Thinking of all the worst case scenarios, and basically just torturing myself. What if I can't work because of my license issues? What if I freak out even worse with a lower dose of medication? I'm scaring myself into an absolute frenzy, but can't stop the thoughts. These last few weeks have been hell. Aaron and I have been fighting because I'm such a goddamned basketcase, and can hardly function. And now this. How could I have been so stupid and lazy?

Girl's Night Out

For the first time in close to a year, I went out last night with the girls and stayed out until 4 am. It was supposed to be a quiet girls night of scrapbooking, and a little wine. Of course, when girls get together, they gossip, and sometimes, a little drama comes out of it. Last night was no exception. My good friend is going through a really rough patch with her boyfriend, and after a few too many glasses of wine, she decided to liberate herself, and cut her long hair short. It looked so adorable, and I was feeling good, so we went to her local haunt to show off the new 'do. I forgot what it was like to go out and have fun. It was such a blast. And long deserved. Maybe this is a sign that I'm getting better or the medication is helping. A month ago I couldn't fathom going out to a bar, much less until 4am. Last weekend I was whining because I couldn't make it up with the friends that were over at our house. But like the adorable Penelope Cruz says in Vanilla Sky, "Every passing second is an opportunity for change."

How stressed are you?

Your Stress Level is: 63%

You are prone to stress, and you're probably even pretty stressed right now.Life's problems seem to pile up on you, and this often makes you feel depressed and burned out.Learn to take time to relax and enjoy life, even if things are stressful. It's the only way you'll get through the bad times.


No surprises there... But the results aren't as bad as I thought. I know I boycotted all quizzes, but in typical Alli fashion, I found a neat spot with fun stuff, so there is only a partial boycott. Right

Gone to the Doc's

Yesterday I had my monthly follow up with my pain doctor. I had a list of things that I needed to address, and Aaron was there for reinforcement. The doctor is not thrilled about me going back to work- he feels it is still too early. However, he understands that I have to try to increase my activity and make some money. He would have been a lot less thrilled if I told him I was going back to twirling around on a pole in a skimpy outfit. I'll be in an office, and I'm already spending time on the computer. There will be certain compentsations I'll have to make as precautions; little things like moving my whole body instead of turning just my head, or standing up to get something, rather than reaching for it. He's also changed my pain medication around, and I'm using a new long acting pill called Kadian, in combination with muscle relaxers and meds for breakthrough pain. He said it would take 6 weeks minimum for the full results of the rhizotomy to show, and that after that point, we can consider some additional options, if needed. I've been seeing a local chiropractor who doesn't crack bones, but just concentrates on the muscles and ligaments to help with the shoulder pain. I got the offical ok from the doctor for that as well. As frustrated as I get with the whole process, my doctor has never treated me with anything but the utmost respect. He talks to me like I'm his equal, rather than just a patient. I've been to enough clinics to know that good physicians are hard to find.

Working Girl

It's back to work for this biatch. The experience will go hand in hand with the career I'm training for, but the pay is shit. However, it's only part time, and I need to gain some independence and try my hand as a member of the workforce again. I'm afraid, I won't lie. I don't want my body to fail me. It's been so long since I've held a 'real' job. However, I'm a quick learner, and this will be a good transition into my career as a HR consultant. It's only a 2 month gig, and then I move on to what I've been training for the last 3 months. I've got a wardrobe full of cute office attire, and the hope that working again will help me mentally and maybe even physically. I start a week from next Monday. It's still sort of surreal. I'm sure in 2 weeks it will have sunken in as I'm dragging my butt out of bed at 6 am.

The pain from the surgery is slowly starting to ease. They wanted me to start this Monday, but I need to allow a little more time for my nerves to heal. I'm sure it will be a big adjustment at first, but I'm doing my best to have faith that I'll get the hang of things before long.

The Enemy

Guilt is:
Feeling of responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others.
Feeling of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present.
Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings, or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary, or non-accepting concerning yourself or others.
Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, not helping, or not placating another.
Feeling of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical, stereotype manner.
Feeling of loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you.
Accepting of responsibility for someone else's misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer.
Motivator to amend all real or perceived wrongs.
Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a "wrong'' course of action; however, you assign your own definitions to the words. Driving force or mask behind which irrational beliefs hide.

What can guilt do to you?
Guilt can:
Make you become over responsible, striving to make life ``right.'' You over give of yourself. You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone happy.
Make you over conscientious. You fret over every action you take as to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants.
Make you over sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all of your personal actions, words, and decisions. You are sensitive to the cues of others where any implication of your wrong doing is intimated.
Immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being ``wrong'' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo.
Interfere in your decision making. It is so important to always be "right'' in your decisions that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one.
Be hidden by the mask of self denial. Because it is less guilt inducing to take care of others first, instead of yourself, you hide behind the mask of self denial. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that "guilt'' is the motivator for such "generous'' behavior.
Make you ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by guilt or the fear of it, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life nor experience the negative aspects.
Be a motivator to change. Because you feel guilt and the discomfort it brings, you can use it as a barometer of the need to change things in your life and rid yourself of the guilt.
Be a mask for negative self belief. You may actually have low self-esteem, but claim the reason for your negativity is the overwhelming sense of guilt you experience.
Mislead or misdirect you. Because many irrational beliefs lie behind guilt, you may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with yourself when you are experiencing guilt; be sure that your decisions are based on sound, rational thinking.

Reading this was like looking in a mirror.

My thoughts are often consumed with guilt. So much so, that I ignore logic, and act soley on emotion. I feel guilty that Aaron is 'stuck' with a woman who is a mental basketcase. I feel guilty because I deal with depression and sometimes am downright miserable to be around. I feel guilty that I have an injury which keeps me from doing certain things-something that is completely out of my control. I feel guilty for not being the wife I thinkI should be. The list is endless.

The cycle of depression I deal with wreaks havoc on my relationships and my well being. It's a proven fact that the mind can do miraculous things to heal the body and spirit. Yet time after time, I go up and down. The downs are what scare me. I can't stop crying. I blame myself for everything; somehow it must all be my fault. I sleep for hours on end, just so I don't have to think and because my body is so damn exhausted from beating itself up over and over.

I want to stop this cycle, once and for all. I have returned from my counseling hiatus, and am acutely aware of my fragile state of mind. Nothing can be healed overnight, but progress can be made. The hardest part is bouncing back when I've hit a low such as this. The only thing self blame will give me is a heart attack or more misery. I'm still young. There is still time to change old, destructive patterns. I just have a hell of a lot of work to do. And it may never stop. I may always have to see a therapist and monitor my emotions. But people overcome bigger obstacles than the ones I face. It's just a matter of heart and determination.

Midnight Misery

It’s 12:20 am, and surprisingly, I’m awake. We have some friends over, but they are all drinking out in the hot tub, and I needed to ice my neck. I tried to have a glass of wine tonight, but it just didn’t go down well. I miss the days of being able to just relax and hang out, without being the ‘cripple’ who acts like she’s 58 instead of 28. Often I battle feelings of resentment, because I’m always the one to go home early or bail on plans because of pain- be it physical or mental.

Sometimes I feel very sorry for myself. I wonder, ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ I wallow and grieve in my misery. I’m sure no one knows the pain I face. At some point I realize my selfish line of thinking, and guilt comes creeping in. I could have it far worse. I should be smart enough to appreciate the blessings I do have, instead of concentrating on the struggles. It just seems that negativity has been surrounding me my whole life. My first instinct is always to look at the downside. My attitude is that of a defeatist.

Will I ever be able to unload some of this heavy baggage? Because it’s heavy, and with each step I take, I’m getting more and more exhausted. What happens when the burden becomes too much to carry? Can I stop myself from reaching that point?

Movin' on up

For the first time ever, I have a laptop. To most people, that's no big deal, but for me it's huge. Sitting at the computer desk will no longer be a painful process, since I can take this baby everywhere. I'm sitting on my couch, watching the birds frolics in our bird bath. Regis and Kelly are keeping me company on the television. My cats are so curious about this new contraption; one wants to bite it, one wants to walk over the keyboard.

I have a job interview next week... My boss to be set it up so that I could continue to train, and have supplemental income as well. Now my father in law is the manager of a big investments firm, and he says that my training should be compensated. It's federal law. But I have been told me that my training comes at my expense. The classes are covered, but hotels, food, and gas are up to me... Apparently, that's not supposed to be so. It's a subject I haven't breached with my boss to be, because there have already been so many bumps in the road. It's hard when you are working with a friend- where do you draw the line? Anyway, the job would just be part time reception, but essentially,I would be working full time. On the days I don't work, I'd be training for enrollments. My biggest qualm? I wanted to ease back into the work force part time. I'm still recovering from that stupid surgery, and I don't know if I can handle full time work yet. I feel like a whiny little bitch saying that, but it's true. If I do too much too fast, I'm putting my body in jeopardy. Sigh. So I'm going to the interview, and we'll see how flexible they are. I'm hoping that since it was a favor from my boss, I will have a little bit of leeway.

My little sister is coming to visit the third weekend in August. I can't wait to see her again. She's 14 going on 25. I sound like an old woman when I say this, but kids today are so different from the kids of my day. My little sis swears like a sailor ( a habit I'm dying for her to break, because I know from experience, it's very unbecoming, and hard to stop!) The kid is boy crazy, and already, my mom caught her in her bedroom on top of a boy. She's 14! She looks up to me as her cool older sister, so I hope I can talk to her about everything, without her thinking I'm lecturing her. I worry about the rate at which she's maturing. My first kiss didn't even happen until I was 17, and I stayed a virgin until I was 20. I had some scary experiences in between though, and I would hate for my sister to repeat my mistakes.

Ok, Regis is cracking a joke and my right side needs iced. Out for now.

The Cycle Continues

5 steps forward, 10 steps back... Sometimes I feel like that's the story of my life. I progress by leaps and bounds, and then find myself back in a major depression. The pain has been so severe since the surgery, and I know that is a huge reason I'm in tears and feeling hopeless. My doctors put me back on a nerve medication/antidepressant that I wasn't particularly fond of because I had no sex drive and I couldn't even have an orgasm... I am so desperate to feel better, and quickly, that I went ahead with the medication. Aaron had a fit, and once again, I'm sobbing uncontrollably, feeling like everything that has ever happened is my fault.

He's not angry at me, but he's sick and tired of the yo-yo that goes on with my doctors. Nothing has been consistent- not my treatment, my medications or my doctor's conclusions. I wanted to scream at Aaron,

" Don't you get it?? I'm desperate to feel better, and when all of my doctors have mentioned this medication, I feel like I should give it another shot. How much fucking fun am I to be around when I'm miserable and in pain?? Do you really want me this way for the rest of our lives? You think you're frustrated? "

I can imagine it must be very hard for him to watch me suffer, and I understand the frustration. But right now, I can't handle his aggravation, because I just feel like I'm to blame.

Waiting for things to look up...

The Meantime

The surgery is done and over with... There are now 5 areas in my neck and spine where the nerves have been burned off. The procedure wasn't a cakewalk... even with sedation. I had to be awake, because I had to tell the doctors what hurt and where... It's a wild process. I lay down on my stomach and the covered me with electrodes, blankets and an x ray vest. They hooked me up to a machine so they could see the structures of my spine, and injected Xylocaine into the facet joints that are believed to be causing some of my pain. They know they are in the right area if, when injected, I feel pain referring to another spot in my neck or shoulder. Then, they take an electric zapper-type thing, and instantly deaden the nerve endings. No one can actually see the nerves, so it's part science, part guess and test. The odds are 50/50. It may help tremendously, or do nothing at all. Of course, I'm hoping and wishing for the former.

I am waiting for relief to kick in. I've heard anything from it taking a few days to several weeks, if at all. I've also heard pain relief can last anywhere from 3 months to forever... It all depends on the person. So, I remain in limbo, hoping to stop the cycle. I find myself praying to a god I don't worship or even know if I believe in.

On the bright side, I am now a face model for Mary Kay cosmetics. Nothing uber- trendy, but flattering, nonetheless. I was in Wal-Mart just before we left for our Mexico, when a woman came up and said I was beautiful. When she told me she worked for Mary Kay, I thought 'Oh boy, someone trying to sell me more crap.' But instead, she asked if I would be interested in modeling make up looks for her MK consultants... She is high up in the business, with her pink car and all, and is responsible for training all of the new recruits on techniques and different looks. How could I say no to that? It's once a week, and I get free stuff out of the deal, which is more than enough payment for me. I am supposed to go tommorow night for the first time, so I hope to be feeling at least a little bit better. It will be a great opportunity to meet some new people, and maybe even make some friends.

So, how ironic is it that I pulled up my myspace page, ( where I foolishly put a picture I thought I looked good in for 'ranking') and somebody rated me a 4/10. Silly me. Why would I ever put my fragile ego at risk? I quit using that site months ago, because it seemed like people were only there to hook up, but a friend got me back on it... Now, my feelings are hurt, and I feel like that ugly duckling back in junior high. All because of one stupid number I set myself up for. I face a constant battle with the girl in the mirror, and I let anonymous jerks send me into a frenzy. Lesson learned-don't allow people to 'rate' me, even if 'everyone else' is doing it.

Obsessions

I woke up with a painless red rash on my thighs this morning, and I've been obsessing about it ever since. Shaving? Oh my god, bed bugs? Skin cancer? Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind the fuck up. I've been given suggestions by my counselor, but unless I do them consistently, I don't think they will work.

Speaking of my counselor... I have only been once since we got back on June 13. The week I went the first thing he said to me was,

"You've gained weight!"

Now, I know that being 5'8" tall, and weighing 110 or 115 pounds is very very slim. Especially when you have tits like me, and then the rest of your body is a twig. Anyway, I was floored when he greeted me with this. I had gained 5 pounds in Mexico, going up to 115, and my counselor had the nerve to address it? His comment put me in a puddle onthe floor, and we spend a majority of the session talking about it. I was insulted... "Hey, you look healthy" would have been a great way of telling me I was looking a little less skeletal. I was so insulted, even though I knew what he meant. But, that conversation also got me to realize that I have become obsessed with my weight, and staying thin. I used to be happy at a healthy 125 pounds and now, I wouldn't dream of letting the scale creep up that high. Some of the weight loss is from medication, but some of it is definitely from my diet. I eat nothing but fiber rich, low saturated fat foods when we're not on vacation or treating ourselves. Carefully, I monitor how much I eat. For some reason, though I hate being called too skinny, I've used it as motivation to stay thin. I had my body fat tested, and it is low enough to possibly stop my period, 10.5 %... and I don't work out. I do cardio and tai chi, but nothing really high impact and no weights.

Is this the beginning of an eating disorder? Am I becoming too obsessed with wearing a size 2 and numbers on the scale? Instead of tackling this question with my therapist, I've avoided him. In my gut, I know that I need to go and talk to him, but part of me really likes hearing people tell me how thin I am. It's like I was fat before....Sigh. I've had lots of issues, but never this. I need to get a handle on it before it spirals out of control. But I feel so in control. And considering I feel like my body is failing me sometimes, and it's completely out of my control, maybe this is a coping mechanism I've turned to...

I am going in for a rhizotomy on Friday at noon. They are burning off a whole lotta nerves in my cervical spine, and I'm going to be getting my scalene muscles blocked (numbed). I'm scared because these are 2 procedures I've never had done before...Is all of this really happening? Can't it just be a bad dream?