My god...Jesus Camp

My friend Caroline went and saw a movie called 'Jesus Camp' back home at the Calgary International Film Festival and talked about it on her blog. Of course, since I eat this stuff up, I checked out the trailer and found out where it was playing. I am scared after watching the preview. I have been reading reviews and scouring YouTube for news coverage about this documentary. It looks like it's also a very political film, and some Christian leaders have even said that Jesus Camp is a far, far right fringe group, and is NOT representative of most Christians today. Yeah, well ask most Muslims if Al Quiada represents Islam, and they'll give you a firm hell no. But, these groups exist, children everywhere are laying their lives down for their god. It sickens me to the core. It really does. I cannot wait to see this movie.

Grateful

It started with my little website. Well, thanks to myspace, I've started a support group/forum for women dealing with chronic pain, depression, fibromyalgia, anxiety and more. And people are actually joining, proving that there is a still a need for more research and support. I'm on cloud 9, happy that I am doing something that feels so good- and it's not simply for my benefit. There is hope- I have to believe it. And maybe, I'm a little stronger than I thought.

Baby Lucy has been found!

In Ethiopia, archeologists found the remains of a 3 year old girl that date back 3.3 million years. They say it is the first child to be found that walked upright, and climbed trees; she has both ape and human features in her skull, hands, torso and upper and lower limbs. I gotta say, I think this is huge. Score another point for evolution.

Part of me wishes that I had faith in a god somewhere out there. I remember praying as a youngster and having the feeling that someone was listening and watching over me. As an adult, there have been countless times that I have literally hit my knees in tears, and never felt a thing. Part of the reason I question myself and the world the way I do, is because I don't know why I'm here. Why is anyone here? Should I care? Does it matter? As long as I'm trying to figure out my own truths, learn my own lessons and be a good person, does it make a difference if I go to church on Sundays or not? Logically the answer is no. Some of the most genuine, generous, intelligent people I know don't believe in god. Yet, some of the most hypocritical and ignorant people I've ever met swear by their faith.. I don’t even need to get into the wars and other atrocities carried out in god’s name.

Here in good old America, there is no such thing of separation of church and state. Look at the conservative party. Most of them are god fearing folk who want a savior for a president. But how many politicians out there are corrupt and have egregious agendas? All I can do is shake my head as an observer. The old cliché pops into my head. Can’t we all just get along?

Crossing my fingers

The first thing I did when I found out I didn't have a job was to call everyone I knew, or had worked for in the past, in an effort to help my employment situation. Well today, I finally got a call back from a lovely lady I used to clean for. She has always treated me with respect, kindness, and generosity. Her and her husband own a company here in town that is very successful, and they are well known and liked in the area. We have a dinner date tonight, and I am crossing my fingers in hopes that she might have a job opening, or know of someone that does. I am nervous. I don't like calling in favors, and I'm concerned that when I tell her what has happened over the last few months, I'll break into tears and make a fool of myself. But, despite my nerves, I'm incredibly grateful that she is taking time out of her busy schedule to meet with me. Maybe, just maybe, she can help me out with a job.

Aaron turned the big 31 yesterday, and is not happy about it. Last year when he turned 30, he began to obsess about his age... I assumed it would go away, but thus far, he is still struggling with his own mortality. Our solution? A big birthday bash at home where he can behave like a 21 year old and not think about getting older. It should be a blast.

Hope

It's up! There's not much to it, but it's a work in progress. You've gotta start somewhere.

Keep on truckin'

I woke up this morning with spinal pain so severe, I could hardly move my neck. My concerned husband wanted to take me to the hospital, because I was crying due to the incredible discomfort. I didn't want to go sit in an ER waiting room so that they could give me a shot, and send me away. I had a specialist appointment this afternoon, so I just toughed it out by laying on ice and lidocaine. I couldn't even wash my hair, so Aaron lovingly lathered me up and gently washed me as if I were his child.

On the way to my appointment, we were on the phone, going over the checklist of things that needed to be addressed, and just before I turned into the parking lot, a can of juice that was between my legs fell and ran down the back of my pants. It looked like I had pissed myself. The irony of it all? Just last night I had taken a pair of jeans out of my car because I didn't think I needed them. So I had to walk in to the doctor's with a sticky wet ass. I heard a few snickers as I ducked into the ladies room to try and dry off. Mortified would be a good way to describe how I felt.

My pain specialist swore that we weren't out of options in previous visits; there was more to try. Today, without warning, he threw his hands up, increased my painkiller dosage and talked about a referal to the Cleveland Clinic, and something called Prolotherapy, which is a very expensive, experimental procedure. Needless to say, I left his office in a worse state than when I entered. Upon hearing what happened, Aaron took matters into his own hands and called up the specialist himself, demanding to know why there was a sudden change of heart. I'm still waiting to hear the answers.

I am trying not to let this get the best of me, but the truth is, I want to lay in a dark room, curl up into the fetal position and cry for days. What kind of life is this? When will it get better? I'm thankful for the good days, and have learned not to take them for granted, but I miss so many things that I did used to take for granted- like being able to run 6 miles or ride a rollercoaster... Living in the past does no good, but feeling like a prisoner to pain is even worse. Obviously, some major changes are happening in my life right now, and all I can do is go with the flow, and learn from the experiences. It's all trite and cliche, but it's never been more true. At the end of the day, when you strip it all away, the ultimate lessons are still the same.

WARNING: Offensive

Just some classless humor to get me through the day!

Thrown for a loop

Gasp. I'm in shock. I am officially unemployed. I don't have a job waiting for me, because the company is in ruins. This means it's time to recoup whatever losses I have, and decide what direction I want to go in. I feel like the last few months have been a complete waste. I don't want to be an insurance salesman, but that's all the damn lisence I have is good for, in a starting position. That was never the plan because I had what I thought were solid connections and a great job lined up. But things change. I may end up with a mall job, I might be in reception somewhere. Who knows, maybe I'll be a bartender. I have a few contacts that may be of help. I can't go back to cleaning or dancing. That's the one thing I do know. But other than that, I'm in a state of disbelief. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, but if so, it's wearing one hell of a mask.

I had a moment this afternoon that felt like it was straight out of an indie movie. I was waiting in the chiropractor's office, which is an old house, filled with old furniture, carpeted walls, and magazines like Guideposts and Reader's Digest. There was a sad symphony playing on the stereo, and the classified section of the paper was laying out. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scanned through the ads, and wondered where in the hell I'm going with my life. As I looked up for a moment, I saw a motivational poster on the wall, talking about not wasting precious days, because our time on earth is limited. Fear and a sense of failure overwhelmed me... Back to square one. Again. Failure is my biggest fear, and I can't even define what failure is to me. Yet I feel it, burning deep inside, telling me I'll never get anywhere.

Remembering 9/11

I remember, in vivid detail, where I was on this day, 5 years ago, when the first plane hit the first tower at the World Trade Center. I had just moved here, and Aaron and I were on our way to work. We were just about at his office when the tone changed on the radio announcer's voice as he informed us of the impending doom. Our first thoughts (thanks to the JW way of thinking) were that it was Armaggedon. God was putting the motions in place.

After I got to my housekeeping job, the second plane hit, and I couldn't keep my eyes away from CNN. The fear I felt was unlike any feeling I had ever experienced. That night I got frantic phone calls from my family, not realizing how far away from New York I lived. They were worried sick. Aaron and I shared a house at the time with his grown nephew and girlfriend. The 4 of us sat around the tv and got just drunk enough to make the tragedies seem surreal. We watched around the clock coverage of the Pentagon damage, the Pennysilvania crash, and of course, we saw the images of the planes hitting the buildings over and over. We watched in horror as they replayed people jumping from the buildings to certain death, and people running from the falling debris. We saw the estimated death toll rise, and people desperately looking for loved ones. All of us sat there in silence, drink in hand, wondering if it really was the beginning of the end. I will never forget that day.

Here we are in 2006, still "fighting the war on terror," as Mr. Bush likes to phrase it. Bin Laden and much of Al Quaida remain on the loose,(as more terror groups emerge) but we've massacred Iraq (which I won't even touch on today) and threatened Iran. There was a time, shortly after 9/11, when I thought Bush was going to be our hero. Turns out he just added fuel to the fire, and we, the US, are in way over our heads. So much has changed, yet so much remains the same.

Twilight Haze

I'm coming down off of a debaucherous weekend. Actually, I can't sleep, but I definitely had fun. I met up with my new friend for dinner Friday night, and we hit it off. This girl has a smile so infectious, it could light up a room. I hope there's more fun in store, because I laughed all night, and it felt so good to be with someone that just kind of 'gets' me. I wasn't on guard at all, and kept no pretenses up. She's the kind of girl I can be my dopey, silly, goofy self around- which is hard to find. I haven't met anyone so genuine in a long time. (Snootch to the motherfuckin' nootch!!)

Saturday morning was tailgating, which I was less than excited about. But, I surprised myself, by having a really great time. Fences were mended, and the issues that had been bothering me for a month were put to rest. I witnessed old fashioned stupidity and male testosterone fly to new heights...The behavior was straight out of 'Animal House' only most of the men were nearly 30. Aaron used to be right in the thick of it all, but he's mellowed out now. All he wants to do is play bean bag toss, and cheer for his team(who kicked Penn State's ass!!) So, together we watched the antics and enjoyed the sunny weather before we went back to the house, so the guys could yell at the game on tv.

It was so refreshing to feel normal again, finally. I had been so wound up, and needed the reminder that life is what you make of it... Feeling like the victim gets old, and I've snapped out of it. The ebb and flow of life is just that. There are ups and downs, and you give and take. It ain't always neat and clean, but it sure is interesting.

Learning Curves

I had the nicest day with my (step) mother in law (mil) yesterday... I've been dragging my ass lately, and I was TIRED of being home, especially with the construction going on in the basement. All I could think about was a long hot bath... Not a hot tub in 80 degree weather, but a long soak in a spa. My in laws have a beautiful house, and a masterbath I would give up a kidney for. Knowing I was aching and wanting some healthy relaxation, she let me destress in her dream bathroom. She had lovingly set up the ethereal music, candles, a stack of reading material and a ton of bath products, complete with a fresh robe and new slippers. I laid in that tub until I was wrinkly and falling asleep. It was the most kind, generous thing of my mil to do. Afterwards, she made us some lunch, and we spent the afternoon socializing. There was no JW agenda- she didn't preach at all. Aaron wasn't going to be home for dinner, so I wound up eating dinner with both of my in laws. Something I honestly never thought would happen. I think I was there until nearly 9 pm. When I closed my eyes last night, all I felt was gratitude. And loved.

I have plans with an online buddy tomorrow night, and I'm super excited about it. We met on myspace, and quickly found out we share the same raunchy sense of humor. So we're going to have dinner, and maybe wreak a little havoc on a Friday night.

I've started making a webpage... I'm starting a support group/educational site to help women like me, who struggle with depression, chronic pain and other ailments. I don't know anything about web design, so I plan on grabbing HTML for Dummies after I have my template finished. Right now, I've got a free space on geocities, but ultimately I want to buy my own domain name and get creative. I want to use this project as a catalyst for more healing and change, not just for me, but for others as well..

One of my biggest challenges is letting my pain get the best of me. I find it extremely difficult to even carry on a conversation when my head is throbbing and my shoulders are burning. But if I continue to allow myself to be a prisoner to pain, (be it physical or mental) I'm going to miss out on a lot in life. I just get so damn frustrated when we have plans for something, because I obsess over all of the negative possibilities. I worry about enjoying myself to the point where I become my own killjoy.

Usually it happens when we make group plans, because I can't always keep up everyone else, so I fret about back up plans and what to do if I can't handle it. And so, before we've even left the house, I'm concerned about my ability to let go and have fun. Case in point: the Notre Dame home game on Saturday. We have plans to go tailgating, and Aaron is going to the game. There's no way I can sit through a game. I've tried with this injury, and it's miserable. Sitting on a concrete stadium seat with no back support is no fun. So I already know I'm missing out on that. But that's only half of it. What about tailgating? What if I get out there and feel horrible? What if I can't stand the antics I know are bound to happen? Part of me wants to just say 'fuck it' and stay home, but the other part of me knows that if I do so, I'll be at home all day, having my own pity party. The pressure I put on myself has got to stop. Otherwise, this bitch is going to explode.

Passionate Pissing Contest Season

It is that time of year again. Football season is upon us. I live with a fanatic; he loves college and pro football, and every year he orders a special package with DirectTV, and we go tailgaiting early in the chilly fall mornings. I have learned to respect the sport, and take somewhat of an interest in it. But it's always a jolt to the system when the first Notre Dame game is on(that would be tonight against Georgia Tech), and the boys overrun the house. The passion these guys have for their sports is a little much, but who am I to talk? I love my computer and my internet. I spend a lot of time on here, and it's something I love to do. I guess the difference is that Aaron's interest in football is something he can share with others. The internet is sort of my isolationist way of reaching out.

Since the guys have been here since this afternoon, I've had a chance to chill out with everyone. But the later the hour gets, the louder they get. No one is drinking heavily, they are all just naturally loud. Although I generally get along with the opposite sex better, I'm still in unfamiliar territory when it comes to their passion for sports. From the trash talking to the screams and groans, I just don't get it. Men say women are loud in a group, but I think men are noisier hands down.

As I type, one of them just yelled out ' ohhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh eeeeeeeeeeeeee.' I'm notkidding. Now, during the commercial, I hear the jingling of dice, just barely over the barrage of voices. A lot of cuss words are being uttered, in ways I've never thought of before. Has anyone
ever heard of a 'shit fuck?'

Getting an education.

"Oh Sweet Irony"

I happened to be playing around on the internet.- such a good way to kill time! Anyway I came across a quiz, and when I got the results I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants...

The porno of alli's life will be called ... "Another day at the strip club" 'What" will the porno of your life be called?' at QuizUniverse.com

No fuckin' way. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! It's a sign from the gods.