A Woman on a Mission

This is my refuge, my cathartic release... It's not glitzy or glamorous, but it's ME.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Happy Fucking Birthday To Me

Suddenly, I don't like birthdays anymore. I'm getting older. 28, to be exact, and I am depressed about it. In fact, I'm crying as I type, because suddenly, I feel my mortality creeeping up on me. That's never been a concern of mine, and now, it's a startling realization to be almost 30, and still unsure as to what the hell I'm going to do with my life.

Our vacation is coming to an end, and honestly, I just want to be home. I'm thinking about the upcoming work, and stressing about the 'important things,' rather than just enjoying my last day in the beautiful Florida Keys. The vacation hasn't exactly been what I thought it was going to be, although we did make it to Fantasy Fest- which was the primary purpose of the trip. It was a wild place to be- debauchery, fornication and lust all in one spot. There were Christians protesting, and I yelled at them as I flashed my butterfly painted breasts. It was wall to wall people walking around naked with nothing but body paint. There were crazy-assed costumes, and old men leering everywhere. I have some priceless snapshots. The moment I got my body painted (I decided just to do my top half) people were taking pictures. I felt like a celebrity for a moment, as Aaron and I walked down Duval Street and everywhere we turned, people were asking for a picture of me. Who knows how many old perverts have jerked off to my pics already. The body paint looked bad ass, I have to admit. I had them airbrush a bright, multi-colored butterfly across my chest and stomach. I wore a feather boa, and a denim mini skirt, and let the butterfly free... I wanted to let my inner exhibitionist out, and I certainly did. Poor Aaron was my bodyguard, but even he couldn't stop staring at my tits. I am going to hell. (Well, if I believed in hell, I'd be going there.)


28. 28. 28. The number just keeps ringing. At least there is no cake and no presents this year to further remind me. The trip was my gift. So, I'll just try and make it through the day without thinking 'I'm getting old.' Can I do it? Check back to find out.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Welcome to Florida

Well, we haven't exactly been welcomed yet. Aaron and I are sitting at the West Palm Beach Airport waiting for his sister to pick us up. We've been waiting nearly an hour and a half. What a way to start off my birthday trip... Nothing beats waiting in a cold terminal checking out the windows every minute or so to look for your ride. I should be grateful, after all, we're here. But when you've been up since 3:30am, when you get to your destination, the last thing you want to do is sit in the airport. I want a Corona, and to be out in the sun, not stuck waiting on Aaron's habitually late sister...

Oh the little things. Relax, Alli, it's your vacation, remember?

My laptop came (or I wouldn't be sitting here typing this) but god, what a mess. The battery lasts 10 minutes, so I have to stay plugged in, I have no electronic signature pad(which means more paperwork, blech) no printer cartridge... Nothing. I've never even been on an enrollemnt before and in a week, I'm going out amongst the wolves. There have already been 2 people that quit in the last few days- never a good sign! Oh well, I need to focus on the vacation, instead of letting all of this stuff get to me.

Off to hitch a ride!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My Letter...The fight begins

So my doctor's request to send me to the Cleveland Clinic has been officially denied. That means it's time to start the fight on my own. This is just a rough draft of the first of many tactics I may need to use. I will write them a letter every damn day if I have to.



To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Allison _________, and I am writing on my own behalf, concerning an appeal from my physician, Dr. D________. Our appeal asking Cigna to cover a visit to the Cleveland Clinic has been denied, so I have decided to take my own initiative and hopefully, clarify some misunderstandings.

First and foremost, the decision to send me to the Cleveland Clinic was a mutual one between my doctor and myself. After being under his treatment for a year and a half, and not healing as expected, Dr. D_______ suggested specialized care, to which I agreed. I did not ask to be referred out of network, but both my physician and myself felt like we were out of options. I will get into the specifics of his treatment later. We have heard differing things from Cigna regarding the appeal. First, we were told that an initial denial was given because no medical records were sent along with the letter from Dr. D______. Then, we were told that any additional information would not do anything to help my appeal. However, I am still gathering all of my medical records for you to review.

On June 12, 2003, I was the seat belted passenger in a motor vehicle accident. We were at a dead stop, waiting to turn left when a semi hit us from behind. Our vehicle was totaled- with most of the damage being done to the passenger’s side. My upper right side was beginning to ache, so I was taken to the hospital and given X Rays and a CT Scan. The X rays noted that I had reversal of normal cervical lordosis, although nothing showed on the CT scan. I was referred to Dr. T___ (an orthopedist) at OSMC and participated in regular physical therapy for 3 months. When I showed few signs of improvement, I was referred to Dr. S_____,(a physiatristt) who went on to treat me for nearly a year and a half. While under her care, I received intense physical therapy 2-3 times a week, as well as countless trigger point injections, spray and stretch, E-stimulation and ultrasound. I was tentatively released from her care, but returned when the pain increased again; a pattern that you will find in my records. In May of 2004, she ordered a cervical MRI, and it came back that I had a bulging disk at C6 as well as mild disk degeneration. At that point, I was referred back to OSMC to Dr. G_____ (a pain management specialist) for an epidural. No changes in my condition were noted.

My diagnoses at that point were facet disease, disk bulges, myofascial pain, cervical strain, reversal of normal cervical lordosis and cervogenic headaches. Eventually, I stopped seeing Dr. S____ when the insurance settlement became an issue and treatment came to a standstill. In April of 2005, I was then referred to Dr D________, who came very highly regarded. He began to make major changes in my treatment, as noted in the records sent by his office. I tried Elavil and Neurontin, had numerous nerve blocks done in the cervical facet joints, and received more trigger point injections, all by Dr. P__ (a pain management specialist) to no avail. Last November, with Dr. D________ on board, I began treating with Dr. P_____ ( a chiropractor) . He put me in an intense physical therapy regimen, including; deep tissue massage, e-stimulation, and acupuncture. After a slight decrease in pain, I experienced a flare up that continued for over a month. Dr. P_____ wanted me to continue under his supervision and start spending far more out of pocket, but because the treatment had again, not improved my symptoms, I left his care. Early in 2006, I had a new MRI done on my cervical and thoracic spine. The disk degeneration had increased to moderate, and there were disk bulges at both C6 and C7. There were only mild degenerative changes in my thoracic spine. At that point, I underwent an EMG which showed I had damage to the Long Thoracic Nerve on the right side, consistent with certain pain symptoms I had experienced. I was also sent to see neurosurgeon Dr. C______, who prescribed a selective nerve root block at C7, followed possibly by a myelogram. In July of 2006, after much thought and consideration (as well as 2 more sets of nerve blocks) I went back to Dr. P__ for a 4 level cervical facet rhizotomy. The improvement was minimal at best.

At present, I am taking 60 mg of Kadian ( time release morphine), 12 mg of Zanaflex, 15 mg of Valium, 150 mg of Lyrica and up to 30 mg of hydrocodone every day. That is an incredible amount of medicine for anyone, much less a woman in her prime.

I am about to turn 28 at the end of the month. I am still a relatively young woman. The last 3 and a half years have been anything but easy. I have done everything my doctors have told me to do, including ending my employment, to try and allow my body to heal. The pain I feel is very specific and mostly right sided. I battle headaches that start in the occipital area, my neck has a very limited range of motion, my scalene muscles are often very tight and extremely tender, my serratus muscles are a constant source of pain and irritation, my scapular area is often knotted and sore, my trapezius muscles often flare up and I have a searing or burning sensation that runs down my upper mid back. Flare ups often cause my right arm to hurt, down to my ring and pinkie finger. My life has completely changed. I can no longer go anywhere without first considering how it will affect my body. My activity level is less than half of what it used to be; before the accident I was training to run a half marathon and lived a full life. Now, the most simple task can cause a one or two week flare up. I am limited even in my household activities; I can't sweep, mop, vacuum, rake, or do any sort of pushing/pulling motion without ending up in extreme pain. Sometimes something as simple as reaching for an object will cause a flare up. At 28, I feel more like I'm 58.


I understand that as an insurance company, Cigna has a bottom line. I am a registered life and health insurance agent myself, and I know what the goals of our business are. However, when I look at my case, and the thousands of dollars I've had in claims over just the last year, it seems to me that the most efficient way to handle a case like this is to get specialty care. Say that I continue my current treatment for even the next 5 years. If I don't get any better, Cigna is out tens of thousands of dollars- and that's just on doctor visits and prescription costs. (Without insurance each Kadian prescription would cost me over $200, for an example). What if we extend that to over the next 20 years? I would be an incredibly expensive client. A primary example of adverse selection, and the client you don't want to have. But, what if someone decides that I warrant at least a visit to a center such as the Cleveland Clinic? What if they come up with a treatment plan that hasn't been tried? What if they can offer answers that my current physicians can admittedly, not provide? If my doctor felt he still had options, we would be exploring them right now. Considering he is one of the most respected physicians in the area, it resonates when he tells me he believes I need someone with more expertise. Dr D________ has already expressed to me that if a new specialist comes up with treatment plans, he will administer whatever he can from his side.

There has been some mention of sending me back to Dr P__ or to Dr S_____. While I have the utmost respect for those physicians, they were unable to help me before. It seems counterproductive to send me back to them, if they were unable to help me get my pain down to an acceptable level in the past. I would assume that Cigna wants the best care possible for it's clients. I am simply asking for that chance. I refuse to believe or give in to the notion that I am going to be in pain for the rest of my life. But I need someone else to help win this battle. So, I am asking you, the physicians of Cigna, to truly examine my case and save both of us battles in the future. I trust that you will review my records thoroughly, in order to come to a mutually beneficial desicion.

Sincerely,
Alli A.

Monday, October 16, 2006

ABC's of Christianity

I recieved this email today, and had to share. This is why I have such a problem with conservative Christians...




If more of us took a stand maybe we could have some decent TV programs. -- Jim Nugent is a coach in Childress, Texas.


Jim writes: My name is Jim Neugent. I wrote to ABC (on-line) concerning a program called "THE PRACTICE." In last nights episode, one of the lawyer's mothers decided she is gay and wanted her son to go to court and help her get a marriage license so she could marry her 'partner.' ! I sent the following letter to ABC yesterday and really did not expect a reply, but I did get one. My original message was: ABC is obsessed (or should I say abscessed) ! with the subject of homosexuality. I will no longer watch any of your attempts to convince the world that homosexuality is OK. THE PRACTICE can be a fairly good show, but last night's program was so typical of your agenda. You picked the 'dufus' of the office to be the one who was against the idea of his mother being gay and made him look like a whiner because he had convictions. This type of mentality calls people like me a "gay basher." Read the first chapter of Romans (that's in the Bible) and see what the apostle Paul had to say about it.... He, God and Jesus were all 'gay bashers'. What if she'd fallen in love with her cocker spaniel? Is that an alternative lifestyle? (By the way, the Bible speaks against that, too.) --Jim Neugent - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Here is ABC's reply from the ABC on-line webmaster: How about getting your nose out of the Bible (which is ONLY a book of stories compiled by MANY different writers hundreds of years ago) and read the declaration of independence (what our nation is built on), where it says "All Men are Created equal," and try treating them that way for a change! Or better yet, try thinking for yourself and stop using an archaic book of stories as your lame crutch for your existence. You are in minority in this country and your boycott will not affect us or our freedom of statement. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Jim Neugent's second response to ABC: Thanks for your reply. From your harsh reply, evidently I hit a nerve. I will share it with all with whom I come in contact. Hopefully, the Arkansas Democrat Newspaper will include it in one of their columns and I will be praying for you. - -Jim Neugent - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Note: Wouldn't Satan just love it if people stopped using the Bible for a crutch? Please resend this to everyone in your mailbox. -- Thanks, Jim Neugent


ABC- I side with you. Keep those gay storylines coming!

This Jim dude needs to get the stick out of his ass, and step off of his holier than thou pedestal. He sounds like a judgemental asshole, which is the problem with so many conservative Christians out there. I don't care what ANY book says, it's ok to be gay. Period. If that means Satan loves me because I don't rely on the Bible, then he and I should go out for a drink.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Yeah, Rocking Saturday Night!!!!

It's a Saturday night, and I'm home alone. Aaron and I spent the day looking at televisions for his bar in the basement, and had planned on catching a movie, but yahoo got the times wrong, and we missed the showing. So, we came home, and he made plans to go play video games (he'll never outgrow them, ever) and see Jackass. I'm overtired from my trip to Indianapolis, and he had been bugging me all day, so I was ambivalent about the whole thing. Have fun, honey. But the brat took my car because he left the light on in his jeep and killed the battery. So, I am in for the evening.

I would like to get some serious writing done, but I don't think I can sit at the computer all night. I can get up and take breaks, but really, I shouldn't be on this thing for an extended period of time. I've been fighting one hell of a headache and my neck is especially sensitive today. What I should do is ice and lay down, but I don't want to fall asleep yet, and that's what will happen. Then I'll be up at 2 when Aaron is getting home, and be awake for the rest of the day.

I feel old tonight. I don't particularily like it. Yup, it's Saturday night and I'm hoping to make it up until at least 9. Last weekend at this time, my night was just getting started(which was a night for the record books, I have to say) and this weekend it's like ' I need to drink my prune juice before I go to bed, oh, and I can't forget my calcium. ' All I need are some knitting needles and bi-focals. I've even got the cats. Uh oh, crazy cat lady looms in the distance.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Bush for Books

Mrs. Laura Bush is in South Bend today, on a fundraising stop for Libraria. Yay. I think she's going to be here for a whole hour. Should I drive downtown and do something crazy? Squirt her in the face with a water gun and get national news coverage? Tell her the only bush I like is green? Ah, I find so many ways to amuse myself.

Work, Play, and Bullshit.

I'm back to work! Sort of. Tommorow I'm going to Indianapolis for a training session for the new and improved benefits company that is back on it's feet. They got a huge grocery store signed up for their benefits, and starting October 23rd, we're enrolling 15, 000 employees. It will be a 3 week process. I'll be missing the first week, because Aaron and I are leaving for Florida on the 24th for a week. Fantasy Fest, here I come! I plan on letting it all hang out and having a rockin' time, complete with body paint and beads. We have a house rented on Key Biscane which is 20 minutes from Key West, where the debauchery will be. I can't believe we are finally going- it's something we've wanted to do for a long time. And I'll finally get to swim with my beloved dolphins.

Once we get back, I will be in Indianpolis doing enrollments for the remainder. It will provide us with enough money to not worry for a little while and hopefully, the enrollments will continue and I can work a couple of weeks a month. That would be the perfect situation. Make full time wages without putting in the hours. Maybe my patience is paying off. We shall see. I have to do some prep work before tomorrow, which I should be doing now, but the day is young, and I can't help but procrastinate.

The appeal from my doctor to send me to the Cleveland Clinic was denied, I found out yesterday. But my crafty (and very frusterated) husband made some phone calls and found out that my doctor didn't send my file with the appeal. He sent a letter. Um, I'm no doctor, but common sense tells me that in order for a proper decision to be reached, the insurance company needs my 300 page file. Why on earth would they send me to an incredibly expensive, world renowned facility after reading a ONE page letter? So, we are prepared to get involved and fight this ourselves if need be. I wonder about the compentency of my physician. I mean, this guy came highly regarded as one of the best in the area, but we don't live in a big city. He flat out told me yesterday that he lacks the expertise, and he feels I need care that only a specialized staff could provide. At least he's upfront about it. Right now, we've managed to find a balance of medications that keep my pain managable, but I don't want to live off pain meds forever. There has to be something out there. If I have to go and see a medicine man in the rainforest I will. I refuse to give in and let pain rule my life.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Bliss

I love it when I have a smile on so big, I just can't wipe the grin off my face.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Confessions of a MySpace Addict

I have become a myspace addict. My page is pimped out with cute graphics, pictures and every other bell and whistle you can imagine. It's my online scrapbook I guess. And it's all FUN. I come on here and pour out all of my emotions, whereas over there, I'm just the funny, goofy, sexy Alli. I find some sort of solace in that. I am really good behind a computer screen; I feel more at ease expressing myself. There's a confidence that shines through, thanks somehow to the filter the internet provides.

I met my husband in a chatroom. A chatroom, for crying out loud- for Ex Jehovah's Witnesses! Because I find this mode of communication so comfortable, I've made lots of friends online over the years. The wife of a good friend of my husband was over at Aaron's birthday party a couple of weeks ago. I guess I'd call her a friendly aquaintence? Anyway, I had invited a myspace friend and her husband over as well. This girl is a fucking riot, and cracks me up on a daily basis. We're silly with each other and get along quite well. The aquaintence started asking how we met, and got really weirded out by the whole thing. She couldn't fathom actually getting to know someone via computer and then meeting her... I reminded her Aaron and I met the same way, didn't she see a pattern here? I don't know what her deal about it was, but I had a good chuckle over the situation.

I have said since I moved to good ol' Indiana that having friends that have nothing to do with Aaron is important to me. The area we live in is filled with cliques. Aaron and I definitely belong to a group, and I've never been entirely comfortable with that. I feel like everyone is back in high school sometimes. I can laugh at a lot of it, and go with the flow, but I've kept my distance as well. It's not that I dislike Aaron's friends (our friends). I've had some great times! I guess I just don't want to belong to one crowd of people. I'd like to be a floater, for lack of a better word.

There is a Notre Dame home game today, so Aaron went out tailgaiting. I chose to stay home. We are going out to a winery for lunch with his parents and I have plans with my *gasp* online buddy afterwards. That's a long day for this girl. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself; it's 40 degrees this morning and I'm already nursing a sore neck. I need to be in tip top shape for our lunch with the JW parents! And tonight will be it's own story, I'm sure. No doubt I'll be posting pictures on myspace Monday morning.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Untitled

My first full memory of my mother and father is a scary one. It was late at night, and I was 3 at the oldest. My parents were separated, but had come to meet at a stable about a horse. We stayed late into the evening, having dinner with some friends. I played with the other little kids my age and fell asleep before it was time to go home.

The next thing I remember is waking up while being carried to the truck. My mom was in the driver’s seat, my dad the passenger’s and I was in the middle, between the stick shift. We were driving down a gravel road, and my parents began to argue violently, although I have no recollection as to what about. After several minutes of screaming at each other, my dad threatened to jump out of the truck, and my mother said go ahead. So he did. I began to cry, and my mom stopped the truck. She instructed me to stay inside the cab, and she would go find my dad. I sat and listened to the AM country music station for what felt like an eternity, whimpering and wondering what was going on. Finally, my parents friends arrived, and together they all hoisted my dad into the back of the truck. He had hit the ground and rolled down the into a ditch. I thought I heard him speaking, so I was relieved that my daddy was ok. I was told that my daddy wasn’t speaking, and he needed a doctor. I began to cry. The rest is all a blur. I have no other memories of that night and what happened.

I’ve asked my parents, who have been divorced 26 years what really happened, and I get two different versions of the story. My mother claims my dad was drunk, and wanted to rekindle, if you will, a little romance. She maintains she was taking him home. My dad says my mom was drunk, and they were fighting over who should be driving. He says that she was the one who instigated it. For the two years they were married, my parents had a volatile, violent relationship. They tell the story of their marriage very differently, and growing up it caused a lot of problems for me. Not knowing that the truth always lies somewhere in the middle, I would go back and forth between them trading stories, trying to find out what their marriage was really like. Now that I can look back, I can see why things went so sour. My mother has serious anger problems, and is really hard to live with. My dad used to have one hell of a temper. He’s mellowed out now, and she’s still the same.

Just as an example; the first people to call us on our anniversary were my dad and step mother. My gran sent a letter and a card, and everyone here has been so generous. My mom didn’t even call me. This is the same woman who felt slighted because SHE didn’t walk me down the isle. Um, excuse me? I have a step dad and a biological father who I both love, and it’s TRADTION to have your father give you away. My mother’s reasoning? She gave me more financially growing up, and she should have stood alongside me and my stepfather. (Actually, they’ve been split for like, 6 years but he was awesome to me growing up) She didn’t pay for my wedding- it was me and my husband’s family who paid for it. And I didn’t say a word; why would I? But she first had my little sister ask me that question before the wedding- and I knew where it came from. I tried to answer her as best I could, as tactfully as possible, but my sister was very upset. After the wedding, she and I got in a fight because she felt I was taking sides in a dispute that was none of my fucking business in the first place. She asked me to talk to Tay, my sister about a battle between mom and my stepfather, and got mad when I told Tay that it’s hard being a child of divorced parents because the truth is usually somewhere in the middle, and you don’t know who to believe. My mom hit the roof, and a nasty email fight went on for 2 months. We speak now, but walk on egg shells. The last time we talked she made it a point to tell me how drugged up I sounded. I was insulted, to say the least. She caught me waking up from a nap and not very talkative. That was the last time we spoke.

I wish I didn’t let my mother get to me the way she does. We’ve addressed that in therapy, and it’s not something with an easy solution. I hate when I catch myself doing something she would do, I want to be nothing like her. And I feel guilty for not looking at her as my role model, though I really don't need to. It's a battle I fight every day. Old habits die hard, I guess.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Sweet! Our First Anniversary







Aaron and I celebrated our one year anniversary on October 1st. Actually, we spent the entire weekend celebrating... We agreed no gifts or expensive meals because we're going to Florida at the end of the month, but as usual, my darling didn't follow his own rules. Not that I have any complaints... We went out for dinner Friday night, and Saturday we laid low, cuddling up and watching our favorite movies. There was a knock on the door, just as we were getting comfortable on the couch, and I was sure it was one of his friends, coming over to watch football. I grumbled something about disrespect, and turned around to see Aaron holding a beautiful arrangement of long stemmed roses. That was enough, in and of itself, but wait, there's more. Sunday, he took me to brunch and when we got home, I was presented with a gift bag... I protested, telling him that I really DIDN'T get him anything, and I felt like he was being too generous. Well, he just smiled and told me to open up my gifts.

Inside was a $200 purse that I had been drooling over, and unable to afford, as well as a necklace that I had been eyeing up for six months. He blew me away. I cried Friday, Saturday, and Sunday... and not because I was unhappy. Somehow this man never fails to surprise me, always puts my interests firsts, and will do anything to put a smile on my face. It's not even about the money he spent. It's that he wanted me to know how special I am to him, and how much he loves me.

I love you Aaron.