wasteland

After a detox from hell and nearly six months of being pain medication free, my doctors want to put me back on Vicodin. I have a neurologist who thinks I should use it every day (um, hello, that's how I got to be dependent on it in the first place) while the pain specialist thinks that having some on hand, for the really bad days is reasonable. All I know is that I REFUSE to go back to that zombie-like state that I used to be in. I was on so much medication, it was sick. I didn't take a prescription today because I don't know that it's the best idea for me. It can be a very fine line to walk, and I don't want to end up addicted again.

The epidural didn't seem to help. Which isn't good. It was hopefully going to give me a better picture of what was causing the pain, but it didn't. It's been over four years since that fucking accident. Surgery may not even be an option, but I am going to see someone who comes highly recommended in Ft. Wayne for a consult anyway. It still can't be ruled out, but no doctor (and I've seen so many over the years ) can find the exact source of the pain. We've identified the problems, but some of it remains an enigma. It is beyond frustrating.

I'm a little angry at life right now. I'm young- I should be in the prime of my life. But instead I'm just trying to make it from one day to the next. I am not gaining independence at the rate I want to, and it agitates me. I will be 29 in October, and I feel like I'm so far behind. I never imagined this as my future...and now, there are all of the doubts that are plaguing me about my marriage and my place in this world. I truly feel like I don't know who I am or what I want or even what I'm capable of anymore. If I ever did. You could attribute that to my 'borderline personality,' as that sort of thinking is a symptom, but again, I don't know what is me and what is the so-called disorder.

There is so much I want to change, and I don't know what's practical and within my reach and what are just delusions of grandeur. I am genuinely confused about everything in my life right now...I don't want to live, and just 'get by.' That's not me, not deep down. Yet that's what I've been doing for so long, in order to cope. I feel like my days are wasted, and I don't know how to make them more productive. I don't know how to step out of this isolation tube I've been in for so long. I want to take the world by storm, and live every day to the fullest. Why is that such a challenge?

Cakewalk

No more ultimatums, he said. Life was too short, and he couldn't keep her hostage if she felt a need for space. He had spent days thinking, and decided that in a sense, she was right. She had been through a lot in the last few years. This was her life, and it was up to her to live it as she wished, and how she saw fit. She needed to make herself happy and chase her dreams- he couldn't do it for her. With no malice in his voice at all, he told her to go wherever she wanted and to take as much time as she needed. He had declared his love, but she had soul searching to do.
She felt like she could finally breathe a sigh of relief...Her mind began wandering, thinking about her upcoming road trip. Not many people understood her desire to get away, alone. But she didn't care. She was exhilarated at the thought of doing something purely for herself, by herself.

Today is the big day. You'd think I'd be used to these stupid spinal injections after all these years, but I'm still anxious. It seems like a waste of time and money to me, but there is protocol to follow when one is going through the medical and insurance system. They can't open me up without doing certain diagnostics first. That's basically all this is- a precursor to surgery.

Yesterday, as planned I went to Barnes and Noble for a few hours. I grabbed the newest copies of "Skeptic" and "Pyschology Today" as well as a couple of books I've been wanting to read. I got some more writing done, as I sat with my laptop and overpriced Chai Latte, watching people go about their own business. When I was tired of the scene, and no longer able to form sentences, I headed over to Victoria's Secret to get my new hoodie. I noticed the little thrill I got when paying at the register... It was the tiniest bit of retail therapy.

Now, I am laying in bed, nervous and irritable. I'm not scheduled for the procedure until 11, so I have hours to work myself up- which is not the smartest idea. Thank god I opted for sedation, because my nerves are on overdrive. I feel like I've had six cups of coffee, and I haven't had even a sip. It's amazing what the mind and body will do under stress. I have to relax, or this whole ordeal will be bigger than it needs to be.
I'm going to pop in a favorite cd and let my mind wander anywhere but the present. Once I'm relaxed, this thing will be a piece of cake...

Wait, I hate cake.

Back

After a long absence, I'm back... Life still continues to run it's fiery course, and I continue to try and figure out what I want, what I need, and who I am.

Big updates- Cervical fusion with a diskectomy is being seriously considered. I have been off the pain meds nearly 5 months, and the pain is no better. I am currently dealing with a flare up from hell, using good old ibuprofen and ice. I've been pretty immobilized, which is so frustrating. I try not to let the pain control me to the level it once did, but it wears on me. There are no great surgeons here in small town Indiana, so we are going to Indianpolis to talk to some specialists and get their opinions. I have my last epidural on Friday morning, which will mean a painful weekend, but I can't imagine it will be any worse than what I feel now.

Aaron and I continue to go up and down. So much of it is because of me, and this need I have for independence. We've had some bad fights, but we've also learned some important things about ourselves and each other. We took a break from counseling, but are going back...

I still see my therapist often. She is able to help ground me, and not get so caught up in the big, scary picture. She also sees the light in my eyes that others do... and she's helping me see it within myself.

I'm dreaming big. Writing like a fiend. Starting to submit some of my poetry and writing to online mags and communities. The only way to write is to WRITE, so I've been consuming myself with that.

And I continue on this painful, joyful, heartbreaking, breathtaking journey.