Walk the Line

It just came out today on dvd, and I've been eager to see the film. It was a long one though, and I knew I couldn't sit through it all in the theatre. I went to the video store this morning so I would be assured a copy. Did I mention that I am a complete movie buff? Joaquin Phoenix is one of my favorite actors, and with all the accolades bestowed on Reese Witherspoon, I had high expectations. I wasn't disappointed. I loved the movie. The story was about addiction, destruction, triumph, and good old fashioned love. For me, that's as good as it gets. Plus, I grew up listening to country music. My dad and I used to listen to Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings when I was a little girl. I had no idea the intensity behind the music then...

My last Tai Chi classes are this week, and I've decided to continue on. I can't begin to describe how good it feels to find something that I love, that puts me at peace, and that I haven't quit. I don't have the best record when it comes to sticking with things. My mom used to get so frustrated with me. She put me in every extra curricular activity you can think of; ballet, jazz, pottery, drawing, swimming, gymnastics, 4-H. I didn't continue with anything. She always called me a quitter for it, but honestly, looking back, I was just too afraid to come out of my shell. I felt clumsy in dance classes, and frightened in sports. Socially, I wasn't the most outgoing kid, and the classes were just more time spent feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

In so many ways, I feel almost stunted... A late bloomer would be a more gentle way to put it. I was so unprepared for the world when I left home, and I didn't make good choices as a result. I had the emotional maturity of a 15 year old when I was in college. I'm still struggling to 'grow up' in certain ways. Everyone I know is either pregnant or has a fledgling career, and I feel like the loser of the bunch because I'm unemployed and struggling to find happiness and meaning. The grass is always greener, I know, but really, I want so much more out of life than I'm getting.

Whew, I went on a little tangent there. Hang in there Alli, things will come around...

Brain full of Jello

I've awakened earlier and earlier each morning in one of two ways. My kitten is always purring; either pulling my hair and kneading my chest, or mashing her teeth up against my nose in a cry for attention or food. This morning she and I were up at 3:30. I knew I wasn't getting back to sleep anytime soon, so we trudged downstairs and turned on the tv. I landed on HBO, which usually provides something entertaining for insomniacs.

I had a dentist appointment at 9:45, but finally by 9, I was just getting sleepy, so I postponed it until 2 this afternoon. Then the bathroom guy showed up. Tiling an entire shower and floor isn't the quietest job. I've been hearing pounding and banging which alternates with the wet saw screeching, so I haven't caught any zzzzz's. Instead, I've been fading in and out of old 'Beverly Hills 90210' episodes on Soapnet mixed in with some 'Mysteries of the Bible' on the History Channel. My head is so foggy, I'm actually going to have to break down and (gasp!) drink some coffee so I can drive to the dentist. Too bad it's just a cleaning, or I'd ask for the gas and catch a power nap in there...

The cats of course, are blissfully asleep,unaware of any commotion at all.
Brats!

The results are in, Amigo. What's left to ponder???

I love Zoolander. What a great movie!

That's right, I've had my EMG, and gotten my MRI results back. There's good news; there isn't too much nerve damage, and the thoracic area looked ok. The bad news, my C5, C6, and C7 disks have become more herniated, and they are continuing to degenerate. My doctor thinks C6, in particular (which is basically the point in your spine where your neck and shoulder meet) is pushing on certain nerves and causing a significant amount of the pain I experience. The good ol' doc thinks that with some more injections, I'll be on the long awaited path of recovery.

First on the menu is an Epidural.
An epidural injection places anti-inflammatory medicine into the epidural space to decrease inflammation of the nerve roots, hopefully reducing the pain in the neck, shoulders and arms. The epidural injection may help the injury to heal by reducing inflammation. It may provide permanent relief or provide a period of pain relief for several months while the injury/cause of pain is healing.

I've had just one of these in the past. I was advised to continue, but financially couldn't afford to. Thanks to insurance, these sorts of procedures are now covered.

Second on the list are Facet Injections
A Facet Joint is a smal joint located in pairs on the back of your spine from rhe neck to the base of your spine. A Facet Joint Injection is:
An injection of a local anesthetic into facet joints or an injection of local anesthectic around the nerves that supply the joint or
an injection of local anesthetic into joints and around the nerves going to the joints, together, at the same time.

These are a 2 fold approach. They are partly diagnostic, and hopefully, partly for temporary pain relief. I've had 3 of these suckers before and they are painful procedures. There were so many variables the last time I had the injections- I had just quit a very physically demanding job that had caused me more pain, I was cleaning houses part time, I was packing up our apartment, and we were remodelling our house. I wasn't exactly doing my neck or my shoulders any favors. My doctor had to keep reminding me to take it easy, because the injections weren't going to work if I was doing activities that were irritating the areas being treated. They never did work, but I never slowed down either. It wasn't until recently that I relented, and stopped working altogether. If these injections are successful this time, then I get to have another procedure...

Third, and hopefully finally, is a Facet Rhizotomy.
The goal of a facet rhizotomy is to provide pain relief by "shutting off" the pain signals that the joints send to the brain. The pain relief experienced by most patients who have this procedure lasts months or even years.
Patients who are candidates for rhizotomy typically have undergone several facet joint injections to verify the source and exact location of their pain. Using a local anesthetic and x-ray guidance, a needle with an electrode at the tip is placed along side the small nerves to the facet joint. The electrode is then heated, with a technology called radiofrequency, to deaden these nerves that carry pain signals to the brain.

FUN STUFF, isn't it? I'll be going in later this month for the first round of epidural injections. I should find out the appointments today.

Speaking of today, Aaron and I are off to Chicago for biometrics with Immigration. One step closer to having a social security number!! It's about a 2 hour drive, one I used to make quite regularily when I had my old job. I think I go in, get fingerprinted, get a digital pic taken and leave. Methinks that is a long way to go for such a short, simple task. Oh well, I'd better not bite the hand that's about to feed me.

Little Changes

It's hard to believe it's Tuesday already. Where do the days go??

We went out to a comedy show on Saturday night. I was looking forward to it, but it wasn't such a positive experience when the night was over. We went with 2 other couples, and had dinner first. The meal was great, and I enjoyed socializing with everyone, although I got comments all night about how skinny I am. (I'm not saying " woe is me, it's sooo hard to be a size 2," but when you're oversensitive like I am, it's hard to hear what you percieve to be criticism.) Jokes about me wasting away, when I'm already aware that I've lost a significant amount of weight, just make me feel bad.

The show itself, was uncomfortable to say the very least. The seating was ridiculously cramped, and the performance was two and a half hours. The comedians were funny enough, but I was having a hard time laughing. My neck and shoulders were aching, and my mind wasn't able to relax enough to enjoy the show. I could hardly move when the thing was finally finished. I was finished!! That was as much of a night out as I could take.

Everyone else, however, had other ideas. My husband wanted to go out, as did his friends, and I knew I wasn't going to make it. I had to swallow back my tears as I told my husband to have a good time and be careful... I wanted so badly to beg or manipulate him to come home with me. Before, I would have done that, and we would've inevitably fought. But I knew that would be childish and counter-productive. Aaron deserved a night out with his friends, and it was just too bad that I wasn't feeling up to it. As hard as it was for me to do, as much as I wished I was out with him, or he was home with me, I know that I acted with maturity.

I had a counseling session last night, and Aaron came with. We were both nervous. Aaron is in some ways, a man of few words. He's not crazy about therapy, though he has gone in the past. It's just an awkward experience for him. I knew that it would be hard for him to open up to this guy. But it went well. They got a feel for each other, which I think is important. I cried (as usual) during an exercise where Aaron had to look at me and tell me, "Alli, you are not a burden." That was the big issue of the night, me feeling as though I am a giant pain in the ass, and being more trouble than I'm worth. A guilt complex I have to get over!

I don't know that I had any startling revelations, but I do feel a sense of peace after the session. Wouldn't it be nice if I could carry that feeling all the way into my Tai Chi class tonight?! Instead of going in, frazzled and keyed up, I could go in calm and centered. It will dramatically help my practice if I can keep this feeling for the rest of the afternoon. I've learned how to get in touch with my 'Chi,' and frankly, I wish I could remain in that space all day, everyday.

One day at a time, fake it, and all that jazz.

Aah...To hear the screeching of my cats wrestling each other, the thumping of the critters chasing each other up and down the stairs. Like two siblings learning to get along. Our little family dynamic is changing.

Valentine's day was perfect. We enjoyed every moment of it, and got so caught up in each other that we didn't even need a movie. I went out window shopping Wed with one of the girls that came to my little make up party. We found out we have so much in common. We were cracking each other up hysterically. It felt so good to really connect on a friendly level again.

I also saw the shrink on Wed, and he changed medications again. Some weren't working, and I was paying out of pocket (because they weren't covered,) so I asked to be taken off. Now, I'm down to one antidepressant. Yay! But, he added a sleeping pill, and when I took it that night, it was the strangest thing. I don't know if I was lucid dreaming or if I was just not in a deep state of sleep, but it messed me up that night and all day yesterday. I napped off and on all afternoon, and finally felt 'normal' by dinner time. I was fine when I took it last night at midnight. No hangover today. Maybe it was just reactionary.

I have my MRI tonight, around 5:30. I'm a little nervous, I've been told that the procedure will take about and hour and a half. In '04 I had one done on a small portion of my neck, and it took about 30 minutes. That wasn't so bad. But an hour and a half? Glad I went for the sedation, because there is NO way I could lay in that tube perfectly still for that long. While I'm not that claustrophobic, there's an eery sensation about being in that tunnel. The noises are abrupt and loud, and you feel like you're in a space machine, only you can't move. Someone is talking to you the whole time, but it feels as if he is a million miles away. Anyway, I'm hoping that the MRI and the EMG (which I'm having done next week) will help pinpoint exactly what's damaged, how severely, and what my next treatment options are.

Our master bathroom is finally getting done! It was originally supposed to be a wedding/housewarming present from our brother in law He tore it apart in August, bought the tile, and framed it in September. But his life and got busy, as life always does, and the project was placed on hold. Here it is February, so he offered to hire someone to come in and tile it, and split the cost with us. We said "hell, yes!!" It's money out of my settlement, but it's equity in the house, so I'm convinced it's a smart move. I can't wait to have a beautiful new bathroom!! Our contractor has been typical so far... not showing up on time, if at all. I've learned that is just par for the course when it comes to contracting out home renovations. Luckily, we've been able to do most of the work on our home ourselves. Well, Aaron has done most of the work, and I've gotten scolded when I so much as picked up a paint brush, but still... We want to do as much ourselves as possible. That's the joy in owning a home- taking pride in what you've done with it!!!

Happy Valentimes Day

I thought this was absolutely hilarious.

My apologies to all the kittens I've killed unwittingly, lol.
_________________________________________________

Valentine's Day never used to hold much meaning for me. I remember during college, my single friends and I would go out and get wasted on V-Day. When I got married the first time, we didn't celebrate anything because of the JW beliefs. Before I met Aaron, I didn't have any reason to treasure the commercial holiday. He is a romantic, and we have had some fantastic experiences on V-Day. This year, it's going to be low key. Money is tight, so there will be no bouquets or expensive chocolates. We gave each other a small budget to do something creative with, and decided to watch a girlie movie and do fondue tonight. Everything has been so stressful for us lately. I hope that tonight we can relax, and rekindle some of the passion we have for each other that's been been laying dormant, in large part, because of my state of mind.

Speaking of state of mind, I had another appointment with the counselor last night. I have been holding on to a lot of resentment, guilt, sadness, insecurities and disappointments. I truly believe that until I come to terms and gain some closure, I will be stuck in this cycle of depression and anxiety. When I told my counselor this, he asked me if I was sure I wanted to go that deep, and I responded with an emphatic yes! It's not going to be easy to look back, but I am ridden with guilt every day, and I need to clean out the shit that I've been harboring.

So, here's to the long road of discovery, and recovery.

Where do I start? With the fact that I'm certifiably nuts, or with the other 'calamities' that have struck?

They say that cats can't transfer a virus to humans, but since the kitties have been sick, Aaron and I have become sick as hell. Maybe it's a strange coincidence, but I have my doubts... We are all on antibiotics or cold medications of some sort. It's quite the family. I had to disinfect everything this morning for the people that are coming over later, so that they don't get sick too. I think the lysol got to my head a little bit.

I went to my counselor on Friday, and it was very apparent to him that I am in a very deep depression, and if I continue to stay home by myself all day, every day; obsessing, crying, and worrying, I am going to wind up in the looney bin. He told me that he wanted me to start seeing him twice a week, and he also gave me some 'instructions' on getting through the day to day stuff. He thinks I need to find some support groups to meet with a few times a week, which he's checking out for me. He also thinks I need to do little things every day, for my benefit. Little things that would seem small to others, but that scare me to death. Every day, I must leave the house, and go somewhere public, be it the library, McDonalds, the grocery store, the gym, a coffee shop, even a church if I was so inclined... anywhere. He pulled no punches, and was very frank. He said "I'm issuing you a challenge, because I want you to prove to yourself that you don't have to be a slave to your fears and your emotions. This is going to be very difficult for you, I realize, but you need to get out of your comfort zone, because your coping mechanisms can be a detriment to you and those you love."

It all registered. Even with the fear of change, and the what if's, I know he is right. And somewhere inside me, there is a strong woman who can handle a lot, and who deserves more than this misery. I left with a book in hand, called 'Feel the Fear and DO It Anyway' which, ironically, both my mother and father had when I was growing up. My next appointment with him is on Monday night, so we'll see what else he's got in store for me...

The party I'm having this afternoon for a home based skin care line is much smaller than I anticipated. Out of the 10 or so girls I called, only 2 are coming. The rest didn't bother returning my phone calls, which hurt my feelings immensly. I feel like a loser, like a failure, and I'm just going to try and pretend like nothing is wrong. That whole 'fake it' thing again. My counselor said not to take it all so personally, but I have a hard time not taking it as a personal rejection. Out of all the girls I thought were friends, I only heard from 2... I understand that life is busy, and people have priorities, but when someone says she'll come, and then doesn't return my phone call, or someone neglects to return my call at all, it's pretty hard for me to think it doesn't have something to do with me.

I'm going to really try and enjoy this afternoon, even if it is a small group. At least those who are coming are girls that I have wanted to get to know better, so this will be a good opportunity for that. Hopefully I'll forget about the ones who aren't coming, and enjoy an intimate group of girls instead. Haha, that sounds sexual. Seriously though, I need this afternoon- I need to do this, whether I'm scared or feeling lousy.

Fake it. Act as if....

Act as if you're happy
When you feel like breaking down
Act as if you share your smiles
When normally, you'd frown

Act as if you always smile
Even if you cry
Act as if it comes with ease
Although you have to try

Act as if your life is worth
More than gems or gold
Act as if you sieze the day
Before you grow too old

Act as if your troubled past
Only strengthened you
Act as if you know the things
That will get you through

Act as if you're filled with love
When hate seeps in your soul
Act as if it has no place
Your heart is way too full

Act as if this silly poem
Makes the bad alright
Act as if you won't give up
But will take on the fight

cheesy poem by me...

Pity Party for Alli

I haven't been sleeping since my pain doc took me off of an antidepressant that helped with sleep(due to shrink's orders-he thought the side effects I was complaining of were due to this specific a/d .) Since my pyschiatrist is now responsible for all of my pyschotropic drugs, I called his office to see what I should do about it...

The first thing I was told, was go back on it... I thought that was illogical, so I said, no, HE originally said to get off of it. So what does the shrink do- sticks me with another antidepressant for sleep. So I am on 3 antidepressants now, as well as the pain medicine. When I looked up drug interactions on the web, everything I could find said that taking those 3 antidepressants combined could carry serious risks...

I am TIRED of popping pills. 3 antidepressants for crying out loud! 2 types of painkillers?! And what do you know- I'm still a lunatic. I thought I was making the right choice by seeing a shrink, and all he has done is fucked with my medication- turning me into even more of a basketcase than I already was. I'm the smallest I've been since 10th grade(and I'm not a big girl). None of my clothes fit, everything is too big. The doctors blame it on stress... I've been stressed out a lot in my life, and I've never shrunk up the way I have this time.

To top it off, I learned that if my MRI's are authorized, I will have a $200 co pay, due at the time of service. But, I don't even know if Cigna will approve them. More financial stress, and once again, it's thanks to Alli's injury. I have to get through this- all of it. I'm just so lost as to how...

I've been up since 3 am this morning. We have 2 sick cats that won't get along, and now Aaron and I are getting sick. It's times like these that I wonder, what exactly, is the purpose of my life? What good can I do for anyone when I'm stuck at home; sick, depressed, worried, in pain and unemployed? What lesson am I supposed to be learning here?

More melodrama?!!!!

Yesterday's car troubles worked out fine. My husband brought home a turkey baster, and I got the windshield fluid cleared out, and fixed the problems. I decided this morning that I had better get my errands done today since yesterday was a wash. I didn't want to go, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. My stress level was high, and I didn't know if I could handle dong the simple tasks I needed to do.

But I forced myself. I had to return the new kitten's ( we decided on Ripley as her name) kitty condo, because she hasn't taken any interest in it, all she wants is Copper's, and since they've been fighting the past 4 days, we thought it best to get her one similar. So I went into Petsmart, and found one the perfect size. It didn't match the house colors, but I figured it would be fine. Charcoal grey is neutral, right?? After all, it's a cat playground, it's not work of art. I was thrilled. I had paid the bills I needed to and found a new 'home' for Ripley. It felt so good to be out in the sunshine.

I phoned my husband, so glad I had forced myself to leave the confines of my cozy house. I excitedly told him I found a new cat house, but when I told him it was grey, he got a little anal, and said that it wasn't going to match the house, so don't bother bringing it in. When we were renovating the main floor of the house, I would notice my husband getting anal and really picky about colors- it was a joke more than anything. I would get a little bit annoyed, but it was never a big deal. But he was dead serious about this stupid cat house. I was instantly deflated.

To make matters worse, he told me how low our bank account was, and that means I will be forking over settlement money so we can pay the bills this month. I don't begrudge using the money, thank god I have it, but the timing of it couldn't have been worse. The stress level between the two of us is sky high, and this will just be one more factor that contributes to it.I am trying so hard to get back on my feet, and stabilize my emotions. This was just too much. A flood of tears overtook me, so I drove straight home. I wanted to drive the car into a tree, I felt so dejected and morose.

Everyday worries are nightmares for me. One moment I'm congratulating myself for a small achievement, and the next I'm sobbing about how stressful life is, and what a basketcase I am. When will this let up? When will I learn to control my anxiety, and not go into fits about things that I have no control over? I can't help it that I have an injury, but I worry about it every day. I can't make Aaron's dad better, but I obsess about how his illness will affect Aaron, his dad, and their business. If something little happens like today, and my husband is stressed and anal about something, I assume it must be all my fault. Why is that? I feel so responsible for his state of mind, which is pointless and illogical. He married me, knowing full well who I am, and what my issues are. We knew life wasn't always going to be sunshine and roses. Yet that guilt gets me every time, whether it's an issue like today, or something more serious.

I have tai chi later on today, so I'm hoping I can go in there and relax, just for that hour. God knows, if I don't find a way to cope, I will wind up in a padded room with a straight jacket on.

Tuesdays Suck

It's 4 hours later-
I had some errands to run before my tai chi class this afternoon, and I remembered as I was getting ready to go, that I had to put windshield fluid in my car. So I go out to my car and pop the hood, and I'm looking all over for that familiar little windshield symbol. I've seen it a million times before, I know it is here somewhere, but my eyes aren't finding it. So, I just assume it is the big plastic tank in front of me that doesn't have a symbol, although it does say, 'do not open while hot,.' I start to pour in the fluid, glug glug glug, and I realize to my HORROR, that I'm pouring windshield fluid in the radiator, where the ANTIFREEZE is supposed to go. Am I a complete moron? Have I completely lost my mind?

I call a mechanic, and after a good chuckle he tells me all I have to do is get the windshield fluid out, by either a turkey baster, or by taking the plastic thing out of the car, and dumping it. So I run into my kitchen where I'm sure I'll find a baster in the utensil drawers... Nope, nothing. Then I go outside and try to yank this plastic tub out of place. That doesn't work either. I call my husband, and he's in a meeting. I debate calling AAA, and I once again go outside and try to pry the plastic jug out. So here I sit, running web searches on removing antifreeze containers, and nervously twitching my feet. I called my tai chi instuctor, and told her chances were, I wasn't going to make it anywhere, and she told me I could make the class up. She told me I sounded 'stressed' and maybe I needed to relax. I had to bite my lip and swallow back the tears that wanted to fall.

Inside my head, I'm screaming at myself.

"You stupid idiot! Do you see what happens when you don't pay attention? You moron, how are you going to explain this one to your husband without sounding like a careless ass? You dummy." Such nice self talk don't you think? It's no wonder I hate myself; I can't make a silly mistake without beating myself up about it, over and over. The little things, they always get me.

Troubling Tuesday

When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? I've quit my cleaning jobs, and now Aaron's dad needs surgery. They work together, and his dad will be out of commission for a while- which is bad enough in itself. He beat colon cancer 5 years ago, but now has an infection that his doctors can't get rid of. So we're worried about his health, and now, even more, about money. Aaron's paychecks will not be the same without his dad in the office. He and his father work together on most things, so it's going to be a struggle to make ends meet. Aaron lost his mom to a chronic illness 10 years ago, and seeing his dad get sick again is only adding to his worries about being healthy, aging, and life in general. It doesn't help that he sees me in pain every day.

He's just left for work, and I feel like crying. I feel like I should ignore doctor's orders and keep working, just to give Aaron some piece of mind. When he is stressed, not much can bring him out of it. The tension in the air becomes thick, and little things can cause stupid squabbles. I need to be strong, and I'm doubting my capability. I feel like by marrying me, he only added stress to his life. I'm sure this will pass, and we'll get through it, but actually being in it right now is so hard. I make 2 steps forward, and then somehow, regress back 5 steps. Life can be unpredictable, but why do all the variables come to fruition at the same time?? How do I be a strong supportive wife, when I feel so weak inside? How do I shut off the voices inside that are causing me to panic about everything? I finally felt like things were moving in the right direction, and now, I can feel my spirits quickly falling. What do I do?

Fake it, fake it, fake it....

Mild on a Monday

This is my February tarotscope... I was quite intrigued.

Romance and Emotion
Two of Swords
All is well with your world of emotion, friendship, romance. It may not be all fairy lights and fire works and there's nothing shiny bright and new on the horizon. It's more like the harmonious settling of issues that have arisen. You may have to compromise a bit, or conform to the needs of another, but the outcome will bring trust and intimacy of the most valued kind. The cards say you must be very honest with yourself, so you can be honest with others.
Career
Wheel of Fortune
Gosh, you can't put a step wrong in the career arena now, Scorp. How long have you been able to pull rabbits out of hats? We make much of our own luck or good fortune, so you really have been busy behind the scenes cooking up a storm. If luck or good fortune were a gift of destiny, then you've been smooching up to the right gods, fairies, angels, luck dragons, whatever! Just remember Scorpio, your good fortune doesn't and shouldn't mean less for someone else, just as their good fortune doesn't mean less for you. Remember to be gracious in success.
Finances
King of Cups (reversed)
The card is advising you to take great care with the details of your financial transactions. Secure your financial information safely away from prying eyes. You could be cheated of money this month if you don't keep your eyes wide open. The very good fortune in the sphere of your career or work could have you feeling so heady and invincible that you to let your guard down with an inappropriate person. Never the most trusting person, you usually only let yourself get done over if you're allowing yourself to feel a bit too big for your boots. As you work on humility, you are working on your own best protection.
General tone of soul or being
Four of Cups
Well, you're being just a tad over-sophisticated not to say jaded here, Scorpio. World weariness is understandable with this energy, but you've actually got some pretty exciting and advantageous events happening around you. You won't seem any the less in anyone's eyes if you utter the odd " whoopee " and show the world you're just as enthused by blessings as any other mere mortal. I know you don't like to show the hand of cards you're playing, but you can sometimes act so cool and above excitement that you can fool mostly yourself and miss out on a lovely ride.


The Superbowl party was a success! The men were getting loud and obnoxious towards the end of the night, but that's nothing new. Someone always bets too much or drinks too much and there's inevitably testosterone fueled pissing contests. But us girls had a good time, and I even booked one of those cheesy home parties. This one is beauty products, all the goodies I'm into, so I'm rounding up as many girls as possible to come over next Sunday. It should be fun. It's such a little thing, but I'm so proud of myself for being a social butterfly yesterday. I did it! And it wasn't so hard, once I stopped being self conscious and just relaxed. Fake it till you make it, baby.

It's so strange to not have anything on my agenda this week. I have aTai chi on Tuesday, a counseling appointment on Friday, and the makeup party Sunday, but so far that's it. No 3 hour Physical Therapy sessions, no 6,000 sq ft houses to clean... There are so many things I could get done at home. I could finally finish my wedding album and I could organize my temporary office. I could practice tai chi every day, naked. I could watch talk shows all day, if I wanted. I'm waiting on my study materials, so I can jump into that. Studying will be almost a new experience in itself, it's been so long since I've been in college. I've been told the test is easy, and I used to have a good studying system. It's all mostly memorization, so I'm not worried. Watch me get the stuff and freak out, because it's filled with mathematical formulas... Thank god Aaron is a math genius, if that ends up being the case.

Hooray for the Steelers!!!

Fake it...Until you make it

What a week... I saw the shrink on Wednesday, met my new counselor and had a pain doctor's appt on Friday. The shrink is going to be taking care of my psychotropic drugs, and added a new antidepressant,and took me off of another. I cried like a baby in the counselor's office, which I didn't think would happen. I have never broken down and revealed sooo much in a first visit. I guess that was a sign of how wound up I had become. But, I felt a huge weight lift after finally just getting some of the shit out! I am hopeful that I can rebound, and finally sort out some things. The pain doc has ordered an MRI to be done on my cervical and thoracic areas. He is also going to be testing a nerve in my shoulder with an EMG. I have been ordered to quit my job, because he thinks that it has irritated my injury. That's a little scary, no working at all. But, I have to get my insurance liscense for the new job I'll be starting once I've got my green card. So, it will be a good time to study, write, and hopefully, heal some of the demons that I battle. My depression and anxiety only worsen my physical condition when I succumb to that darkness. So, with all these new happenings, I am hoping for change. I am looking forward to it. This doesn't mean it's nothing but sunny skies, but it means that I am actually being constructive, instead of destructive.

I was left with one phrase ringing in my ears after leaving the counseling session. Fake it till you make it. I've been to a lot of therapy over the years, and that's one thing I've never been able to do. But it makes sense, and I want to give it another shot.. It's so easy to get caught up in my own world, and become irritated at the little things.

For instance, my husband is a teaser. It's part of the way he shows his affection. But, when I'm wound up in a myriad of self esteem problems and internal conflict, I can't take a fucking joke. I just get so self involved, and surrender to the sadness and the worry and am not that pleasant to be around. I feel so guilty about that... And about so much more. It's time to release the shame I've been carrying about certain things I've done in my life. Because it affects my relationships and lack of. My defenses are always up. I feel like I'm not worthy of love, that I'm not a good person, that I'm a mess. It's hard for me to make friends. There have been a few girlfriends that I have gotten fairly close with since I moved to Indiana, but they have sort of faded away. I keep in touch with a few via email. I have some pregnant girlfriends, but we're not super close, they were Aaron's friends, and so mine by association.I just recently got back in touch with 2 friends from college. They're still in Canada and doing very well. I didn't leave on the best of terms with them, but we managed to move on.

I miss having girlfriends to do things with. Maybe I should sign up for a class of some sort... Something artsy or fun. I wish I didn' t have this damn injury, which keeps me from doing some of the activities I love to do. But I do, and if I want friends the only way to make that happen is to reach out.

We're having a Superbowl party tomorrow, and there's a girl I really like who's coming with her boyfriend. We've hung out in groups before, and she caught the bouquet at my wedding. But I'd like to get to know her, and maybe hang out and go shopping or out to eat. So, tomorrow's motto, is 'fake it till you make it.' There will be a fairly big group and my first impulse is to hide in my bedroom. But I refuse to do that. I want to be a good hostess, and have fun. Let's see if I can make that happen.

A stepping stone

January wasn't such a great month for me... In fact, there were times that I truly wished there was giant black hole I could crawl into, and retreat.

But it is a new month, and today is a day for change. Struggling with depression, anxiety, and pain is tough. But I was getting soooooo down that I was scared I would wind up hurting myself, if I didn't get help. So, today I meet with my new phsychiatrist. I've never actually been to a shrink before. I've seen social workers and counselors, but that's about it. I am both nervous and relieved. I'm nervous because I fear judgement, but relieved because I know that I need help to get back on my feet. Let's see what this first appointment has in store...