Itchy, Bug Infested Fun!

Despite a mild case of poison ivy that reared it's ugly head on Monday, Memorial Day Weekend was a lot of fun. The sun was shining, the weather was warm, and everyone welcomed us with open arms. My friend Christi came out on Saturday and spent the day sunbathing on the boat with me, and then it was just me and the guys for the rest of the weekend. I think I may have grown a temporary testicle because for the first time, the boys either didn't care, or were unaware of my female presence. I heard things I'd never even thought about before, and I have visual images now that won't go away. Make it stop!!!

We had the shittest, smallest, most run down *cabin* I've ever seen, and it was sandwiched between two new, beautiful condos up for sale. I thought about breaking in and squatting, but a B&E arrest wouldn't have been cool, lol. The place looked straight up like it had been taken from a horror movie. There was musty, orange and green 1960's furniture that had seen it's better days. Cobwebs were literally, everywhere we looked; in corners, on windowsills, behind pillows... Poison ivy weeds stuck through the wooden, ramshackle old enclosed porch- which was piled high with useless junk. Bugs were laying dead in dishes, in the shower... The water smelled like sulphur- I actually felt cleaner without a shower! We had lake access, but no dock, which made it um, interesting, to get into the boat. There was a steep sweeping staircase leading from the main road down to our cabin, and I'm amazed no one ended up in the hospital. It was rather comical. I, of course, overpacked, and poor Aaron and his buddies were sweating bullets and cursing my high maintenance. (Hey- most of it was for my neck. Ok, well, some of my stuff was for my neck. )

We've decided that for the 4th of July, even though this cabin was a fun romp through time and nature, that we're getting a hotel. With air conditioning, no bugs, no wall paneling, and no plants that make me itchy.

The countdown is on- only 6 days until we leave for Cancun...

Boycott

It's as though nature is akin with my spirit. A thunderstorm swept through here with intense fury as if it was feeling right along with me.

One of my favorite things used to be taking personality tests, career aptitude tests, or anything that I felt could give me insight as to who I am and where I fit in. As of today, I am boycotting them altogether.

I logged on to a site and took a 200+ question quiz answering questions about myself. It was a test to determine what sort of career I would be suited for, given my preferences, my personality and my aptitude. I was brutally honest, maybe a even a little harsh on myself when answering the questions, but I felt the need for complete authenticity. Crestfallen would be an accurate way to describe my reaction to my 'suggested' career choices. To put it bluntly, the test maintained that I was pretty much ill suited for anything except horticulture and home-based health care.

Now I realize that these are simply guidlines, and I can do anything I damned well please. But to see plain as day that my personality didn't fit into any sort of *regular* job hurt my fragile ego. No more quizzes for this girl. The last thing I need right now is some arbitrary test telling me what I should or shouldn't do.

Fuck the system!

Say Wha...?

It's absolutely unbelievable... My mouth is still hanging open in shock.

I had a doctor's appointment today, and was informed that someone had again, dropped the ball- meaning my nerve block was going to be put off. My doctor was very apologetic, and called in a favor from a specialist that I've seen for injections before... The same guy who hit the wrong nerve the last time I had an epidural. He said that I might want to get a different sort of injection instead, and that he can fit me in to do an examination to determine what to do... Which makes me wonder why I ever saw a neurosurgeon to begin with, since now this anesthesiologist thinks that we might need try some procedures I've had done previously.

I contacted the anestheologist's office, and was told that it would be in my best interest to wait until after our Mexico trip... Just in case something were to go awry. I can understand that completely. But for crying out loud, this block has been put off four times, and now, it may be taking a back seat to more facet injections. I am tired of the flip flopping going on here. While I love my pain doc and his bedside manner, I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't just cut my losses and go elsewhere. This has gone from mildly annoying to completely ridiculous.

Again I'm questioning... Is this a sign? I don't have a belief system to speak of, so is it mere coincidence or something more?

Pain, pain go away... Come again another day

I found an interesting little site called www.beliefnet.com and did a quiz out of mere curiosity. The faith(s) most appropriate for me, according to my answers are Secular Humanism and Unitarian Universalist... Interesting, considering I've looked at both and find myself intrigued by aspects of each. Jehovah's Witness and Roman Catholic were at the very bottom of the list, lol! Not a surprise there- I was never strong in my Catholic upbringing and disagree with a lot of their dogma. Since I just went on a rampage about the JW's yesterday, that was no shock either.

About a week ago I woke up with pain on my left side that mimics the pain I experience on my right side. I assumed I just slept funny and that I would be back to my 'normal' in a day or two, but the opposite seems to be the case. My pain levels have gone up steadily, and it worries me that I've got pain on both sides of my neck, back and shoulders, instead of just one side. I suppose it would make sense if the C6 C7 disk is causing the problems, but since I haven't had the damn nerve block yet, I wouldn't know! I see my neuro/pain doc tomorrow, so hopefully he will be able to enlighten me, although my faith in him is starting to wane. We leave for our honeymoon in less than 3 weeks, and I have to get this pain under control if I want to simply relax or do certain activities. I've decreased my pain meds considerably over the last 2 months... I'm sure the doc will want to up them again, and while I don't love the idea of going back up, if I can find a combination that works for me without the added side effects, I'd be satisfied. For now.

My head is throbbing as I write, so I'm going to go put on my futuristic looking tens unit and lay on some ice... There's more to life than pain management, I'm just having a hard time seeing beyond that at the moment.

Cult Overdose

For the first time in over five years, I stepped into a Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses on Saturday. What a joke. We went because the brother of a good friend ( and my soon to be boss ) died of colon cancer, and he was a JW. How could we not show our support? Jim was only 42, and had been diagnosed a month ago with stage 4 colon cancer. While I was in Indianapolis, he was told that the cancer had spread to his vital organs at a rapid rate, and that it would be in his brain within a week. He died at the Cleveland Clinic last week. He left behind a 25 year old wife and 2 young children. It was a devastating loss to his family. It all happened so quickly.

First, the whole Kingdom Hall experience. I hated walking through those doors-that old, uneasy feeling of familiarity came over me instantly. They started out with a prayer to "Jehovah God," and then proceeded to talk about the religion, rather than this man's life. The first issue the speaker (actually, he's called an elder, but whatever) brought up was blood. Jehovah's Witnesses follow some commandment from the old testament, and are not allowed blood transfusions. Although, they are allowed to receive all of the components of blood (platelets, white and red cells etc.) separately. WTF??? Ok, that makes sense- you can't receive a pint of blood, but hey, get the red and white blood cells separated, and throw in some thrombocytes, and you're ok. Such utter bullshit. Anyway, the speaker said that Jim 'kept firm to Jehovah's principles and wouldn't take blood even though it could have saved his life...'

It was an outright lie. He had INOPERABLE cancer. There was no blood loss, therefore no blood offered. In fact, he took some things that he was unsure about the JW stance on, in hopes of extending his life. I was outraged (although, not surprised) when the very first thing out of the speaker's mouth was blatant dishonesty. Then, instead of remembering the man Jim was, the speaker stood up on his soapbox and preached JW principles. It was an absolute disgrace. I had to stifle laughter and keep from rolling my eyes several times. At one point during the funeral, I broke down. Not because of Jim (I hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible person) but because I wasn't sure I could continue listening to the tripe that was coming out of the speaker's mouth. The one positive thing I will say, is that at least his JW family members have hope that he will be alive again one day. I'm sure it's a comfort for them, and who am I to discredit the solace they find in their faith?

Last night, I had a bridal shower to attend for my step sister in law. She is a witness as well, but I didn't want to be rude and not make an appearance. So I went, and what do you know, it was nothing but witness ladies and girls comparing 'meetings' (church) and 'service time' (door to door preaching). They all knew, because Aaron grew up JW and my mother in law has a big mouth, that I used to be a witness. I wanted to scream at all of them when I'd catch a contrite stare or a comment about being 'in Jehovah's good graces.' After an hour, I had enough. I graciously said my good byes, and got the hell out of there.

I am 'out of the fold,' and a part of the world's 'evil system of things.' And you know what? There's no place else I'd rather be.

I had my nerve block scheduled for tommorow morning... I got a call today from the doctor's assistant, and guess what...? They fucked up and scheduled it at the wrong place, it's not covered, and I had to reschedule at the place I was originally set to go a fucking month ago!!! This was the third time it has been pushed back. Am I frusterated? Just a little.

Now it's set for a week before our trip. I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything goes well, and hope for the best.

Am I getting a sign from the gods or just going through the system? If there's one thing I learned from my training last week, it was that I am the insurance company's worst kind of client.I am a prime example of adverse selection in their ( I guess now it's our...?) world. They (we) don't make any money off of me. It's completely aleatory. In theory, I shouldn't even have insurance for my 'pre-existing' condition, but my husband's plan didn't have a choice but to let me in... A loophole they had. So even though I bitch about it, I'm damn lucky to have it.

Ahh, do I miss the Alberta Health Care system... I'm sure it's privatized by now to some degree, but the US has a health care crisis. It's a big deal.

Mind Over Matter

I passed my test... To no one's surprise, except maybe my own. I shouldn't say that, because, dammit, I worked hard to pass that exam. I was in a puddle on the floor 3 months ago, and now I'm liscensed and have a great job waiting for me as soon as we get back from Mexico. That's quite impressive for a girl who doesn't always believe in herself.

The exam experience in itself was part hell. There are 150 multiple choice questions, you're allowed two and a half hours. Give me an essay, and chances are, I'll ace it. Put me in front of a long list of possible answers and I'll freeze. I was at that point yesterday, but remembered the words of experience ringing in my ears... Relax, you can do this, you're prepared... I did really, really well in most areas, but in two areas, I completely flunked. Luckily, my average was enough to give me a 74% when I needed a 70. I wasn't trying to ace this test, I won't be using half of what I was tested on anyway. But, I was so excited when the score tally came up, and it said PASS that I squealed and clapped my hands before I went to the proctor lady.

Wouldn't you know it, I got in trouble. She said that I caused a disturbance and she would have to file a report. I was on such a high that I didn't care. Ooooooh, Alli got excited and yipped in jubliation. I was at the end of the room, in a corner, and there were only 2 other people in with me. I apologize if I interrupted someone's thought process, but that's why we were given earphones. Still, I tried to make amends... I doubt very seriously that anything will happen with this report. Just one of those things that is typical of me:)

So, I have to thank everyone that supported me through this; my husband, my friends, my family, and of course, my counselor. There were times that I was at my wits end, sobbing fitfully, worried I'd never get everything memorized, and doubting my ability to do anything. But, I proved to myself, again, that I am capable of whatever I set my mind to. This is just one more rung I've climbed on the ladder of life. There is so much more I want to do...And I'll get there, one step at a time. When I stop and reflect on the last year of my life, I see the life changes. It's been pretty amazing.

Feeling distraught, anxious, and needing a break from my last minute studying efforts, I came across a little book called 'Hope Happens!' After reading through it, I felt a sense of relief and warmth wash over me. So, for my own inspiration and anyone else out there who needs a little boost, I've pulled some quotes...

"Whether you believe you can or you believe you can't- you're right."
- Henry Ford

"Belief in ourselves is like a muscle- it is strengthened by constant and careful use."
-Catherine DeVyre

"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves."
-Sir Edmund Hillary

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?"
- Dr. Robert Schuller

"The most difficult matter is not so much to change the world as yourself."
- Nelson Mandela

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

"NEVER give in. Never. Never. Never."
- Winston Churchill

"No man fails who does his best."
- Orison Sweet Marden

"Our fears are more numerous than our dangers and we suffer more in our imagination than in reality."
- Seneca

"Fear is never a reason for quitting. It is only an excuse."
- Norman Vincent Peale

Study Break

I spent a large chunk of time studying yesterday, took my practice tests, and scored an 80 on one and an 86 on the other. All I need to pass is a 70. I was thrilled- I was getting the information down! This morning I woke up and took a set of final practice tests on life and health and scored horribly- a 64 on one and a 61 on the other...

Can you say discouraged?? I couldn't believe it. I'm taking a break, because if I don't, I know I will just become more anxious and agitated than I already am. The test isn't until Tuesday afternoon, so I'm not out of time, and I know the areas I need to review. It's just that I want to pass this test the first time around so badly so that I can get on with my life. But in the same vein, the more pressure I put on myself, the more my nerves will act up and my mind will block out the information.

I must stay calm and relaxed. I know myself, and my attitude corresponds directly with my performance. No defeatism! If I walk into the test site on Tuesday filled with apprehension and fear, it's likely that I won't do well. If, on the other hand, I walk in there confident in my abilities and my knowledge of the material, I'll fare much better.

So again, here are my affirmations that I'm telling myself over and over.

I am intelligent
I will pass this test
I am confident
I am relaxed
I am prepared
I can do whatever I put my mind to.

If only my mind wasn't so used to sabotaging itself. It's just a learning process. If I keep at it, I'll get it. Right??!!

Bring It On World!

I'm back from my cram course... God, do they ever pack in a lot of information in 4 days. I'm sore and I'm tired, but I DID it. The instructors advised me to rest my brain today, and not pick up my books until tomorrow... I ignored that advice earlier this afternoon and tried to take some practice tests, but my mind was so overloaded from the week. I wound up in a panic attack, so I promptly shut the books and talked myself down. Even though I am still worried about passing the damn exam, I realized something this week- I am stronger than I give myself credit for. Sure, I've made bad decisions, but I've also learned so much from those mistakes. By simply spending five days away from my husband and doing something as a catalyst for the future changes, I gained some new perspective.

My husband had a similar revelation... Last night when I got home, he had candles lit, music on, and a bottle of wine with snacks set out. We had a long talk about focusing on the blessings in our lives instead of just the worries and the problems. We talked about how we let our negativity and stress feed off of each other and how all that does is cause more discouragement and distress for the both of us. The mind can be a key factor in healing my body. So, I need to keep working on healing from within, because really, that's what is going to get me through. Even if I am in pain for a long period of time, there are ways to improve my quality of life.

I don't often say this, but I'm proud of myself for sticking it out this week. Going in, I didn't think I could handle it, but sure enough, I surprised myself with strength and perserverance.

And it feels good. Actually, it feels fucking fantastic!

The Next Step

I woke up yesterday morning with a flare up in pain. The car ride of 7 hours to INS did me in, and I have been so sore for the past two days. Tomorrow I leave to take my insurance class, and I'll be away from home for almost a week. I am a little nervous about my pain levels now, since I'll be sitting for 8 hours a day. All I can do is get through it the best way I know how: try to stay calm, bring all my home therapy stuff with me, and take my medication. If I stress, it will only aggravate the pain.

I went out for Cinco de Mayo last night, but left by 10:30. I really wanted to stay and party with the girls, but my body was so sore, and the place was packed, so I came home. At least I was out for a while. I'm realizing more and more that taking 'baby steps' is a good thing. I can't change everything all at once. Usually, that's what throws me into a tizzy- I look at the big picture as one huge obstacle instead of taking one step at a time.

My coping mechanisms definitely need work. Looking back, I see that I didn't learn effective ways to deal with life's obstacles. So, I'm trying to 'deprogram' the habits that I have and acquire new, productive ways of coping with the ups and downs of life. It feels downright impossible sometimes, because I let my emotions control my thoughts. No one ever said it was going to be easy to change my life, but I know deep down, despite the tears and the panic, that I'm doing the right thing. I'm challenging myself to be that person I want to be, instead of just living in regret and fear.

Carpe Diem.

It's Official!

I made it through my immigration interview today, and I have to say, it was a breeze. We were told to expect the worst, and instead, had a five minute interview. I stressed and obsessed about this interview for months, and it was all for naught. What a relief. I am officially a resident alien...

So now, it's back to the books. My classes start on Monday, and I've been studying my butt off so that I'll be prepared. Life is forging ahead, and it feels good. One step at a time, piece by piece, I'm getting it together. One more chapter of my story is complete.