my newest addition

Here she is, our newest family member! We adopted her on Saturday. She was the first kitten I looked at, and I fell in love immediately. We haven't named her yet; hubby and I are trying to find the perfect name that suits her giant personality.(Her name was Yolanda, and that's not going to stay.) She is a purr machine,a love bug, and she wants to explore every nook and cranny. She bounces off the walls, and is very expressive- she loves to talk. She's spunky and determined and I love it! Although, getting her to sit still is impossible. I think Penny would be such a cute name, since we have a cat named Copper. It won't fly though, Aaron thinks the cheese factor is too big. I also love Sadie, Abbey, Sydney, and Kricket, among others. I'm hoping for a flash of insight which will lead me to a unique name. Right now, she has her own room, and I take her out or go see her every hour or two. Copper, former king of the house, is now hissing, howling, and hiding in his kitty condo, so we're slowly introducing them. She is dying to play with him, but he wants nothing to do with her- yet. I have faith that he will come around. What boy can resist a cute little girl???

a disillusioned reader

Oprah is interviewing James Frey as I write. She regrets supporting him on Larry King, and feels like he did indeed, con her, as 'The Smoking Gun' reported. He's admitting he lied about his time in jail, and other details of his book, "A Million Little Pieces" and Oprah is steaming. He looks extremely uncomfortable, as he tries to justify his 'embellishments.' He has virtually no credibility anymore, especially now that Oprah has done a 180 on him.

My mind is reeling. Where does one draw the line between fact and fiction? Oprah said the book should have been labeled 'based on a true story,' rather than a memoir because of the amount of details he changed. Maybe so. I liked the book, and I get the story of kicking drugs, but why did he lie the way he did? Was it because of pressure from his publisher- asking for salatious details? Did he pick and choose what he told, figuring the truth would never come out? He claimed to have a coping mechanism of a 'tough guy,' and looking back he says he wrote from that point of view. I think that's a cop out.

As someone who wants so desperately to get published, I see this as a sad thing, a step backward. When people claim they are telling the truth about their lives, they'd better have facts to back it up. I can understand changing things for privacy reasons, or having a foggy memory and piecing what you can together. But to outright lie, and decieve while talking about an issue as serious as addiction...? If you're going to put your face out there and say "this is my truth,' then it had better be truth.How can you inspire people, and then let them down by being dishonest about the struggles you've faced?

James Frey should have stuck to his original idea to market his book as a novel. He wouldn't be squirming in interviews and embarrassing himself by avoiding questions.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire...

a dreamer

When I was 13, the CBC (Canadian channel) came out with a show called 'Talk 16.' It followed 3 girls around, documenting their lives. Looking back, I see it was one of the first reality shows. Anyway, I watched this program whenever I could, and used to pretend it was ME being followed by cameras and interviewed on screen. When I was 16, they came out with a 'Talk 19' that caught up with the girls and documented their lives as college students. I was still obsessed with it, and did the same pretending, while getting ready for school or doing my homework.

I think everyone, at some point, wishes for fame. When I was 4, I was going to be a singer, like my country music idol Reba McEntire. When I was 12, I was going to be a lawyer, like my uncle. When I was 16, I pursued modeling. When I went to college, I wanted to go into broadcast journalism, and become the next Katie Couric. I'm 27, and those dreams are washed out. I still regret dropping out of college, but I never would have met my husband had I stayed in school. There's the option of going back. I could transfer credits, and try to become a local journalist. But, somewhere, still active inside of me, I just want to be famous. I have a little bit of an addiction to celebrity gossip, and I can't help but wonder if that was me on those covers, would I be a happier person?? Logically, the answer is no. No amount of fame or money could change the way I feel about myself. It doesn't stop me from daydreaming though. I want to be recognized somehow, for something.

Part of the reason I want to right a book is selfish. I want people to know who I am. I want to tell my story. I'm reading a memoir about a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, who used a pen name, and remains anonymous. My husband and I got talking about the book, and my writing, and if I ever get anything published. He suggested I'd have to use a pseudonym, and I didn't object. But something in me sank. That would mean no one would know who I am. However, it would be the smartest move to make, because there are details of my life that no one but my husband knows about, and if my family ever found out, they would be disappointed... Crushed even.

Yet, I want to be able to say "Yeah, I did these things, and I made some bad choices. But everything that I've experienced has made me stronger. It's made me whole person. I am unashamed of who I am." How can I say that with a penname? Or, a better question is, how can I say that when I am ashamed of some of the things I've done? I hope that through more writing, some counseling, and good old fashioned life experience, I can gain some insight and some self love. Then it won't matter if it's my name on a book cover or not. It will matter that I accomplished a goal, and gained some self respect.

losing it

I have had it; absolutely had it with my chiropractor. Not only have I not improved, but now he wants to go in a whole new direction, which will cost me more- substantially more. He tells me it's all my insurance company's fault, I should blame them. So I'm stuck on what to do. Do I listen to my gut and leave his care, and hope that my pain mgmt doctor can get botox approved? Do I keep going, and stick with the same plan that isn't working? I can't afford to pay what this new plan will cost- I pay a minimum of $100 a week, and if I do what he wants, it will more than double. My husband tells me that I worry about it too much. Maybe I do, but for crying out loud, I'm in pain every goddamn day, and nothing is working. It's been almost 3 years! How can I not worry? I know that constant worrying is not helping me heal. But I get so frustrated, and feel so alone in all of this sometimes. I know things could be worse, but they could be better too. I'm tired of living on pain medicine. I'm tired of endless headaches. I'm tired of throwing money away on procedures that haven't worked. I'm tired of being bitchy and short with my husband because I don't feel well. I'm tired of waking up every morning and feeling the same burning pain. I'm tired of worrying about everything. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I don't know what the right decision is. Thank god I've finally reached out for counseling, hopefully I can learn new ways to cope. Because at this moment, I want to numb everything, by any means necessary.

relief

I just got home from my second tai chi class. I have to say, even though I'm the youngest in my class by at least 15 years, I am really enjoying it. I don't feel self conscious, wondering if I look silly. I simply feel relaxed, and for at least an hour a week,I feel in sync with my body.

I also just got off the phone with my insurance providers, regarding counseling. They will set me up with a pain management counselor and a pyschiatrist. The lady on the phone couldn't have been more helpful, and said that when people like me call in, desperate for change, it inspires her. Maybe she says that to everyone. But it made me feel special, and it makes me want to get to the bottom of my problems, deal with them, and learn how to live a productive life.

So a great day, all in all. I feel like one small step is a giant leap. Maybe, just maybe, I can achieve my lofty goals...

A mess

God, what a weekend. I had a major freak out today, which happens every now and again. But I was a lunatic for a good couple of hours. My poor husband, how does he love me with all of my flaws? The freakout, I think was due to a lot of factors; stress, hormones, (PMS is such a lame excuse, but I battle it every damn month) pain and plain old depression. I don't have the greatest coping skills sometimes.

Friday was a shit day with the chiropractor, after 2 months of bad mouthing all of the injections I've had, and his intensive physical therapy accu, etc, he tells me he wants me to get an injection. Isn't that funny. Botox, to be exact, something brought up to me by my pain mgmt doctor, whom my chiropractor also badmouths. He also wants me to see a pain mgmt psychologist. But the minute I bring up getting it covered through insurance, and having my pain doc do the injection, my chiro tells me to not even bother. Same thing when I bring up getting mental health covered. Then he tells me I need to stop working- he seems to think I'm a fountain of wealth and can just keep tossing hundreds and thousands of dollars around on medical care, that so far, hasn't worked. Now that I'm FINALLY insured, I would like to use that. Health care is expensive in this country, even with insurance. I am so stressed about it all. I see him on Monday, and he wants me set up with his people asap. Nevermind getting anything approved by insurance. Somehow I have to be assertive, and that's not always easy for me. He has to know that I need what's in my best interest-financially and otherwise. The money I have left from my settlement won't last forever, especially at the rate I'm shoveling it out for medical care. My husband had a bad month at work, we might have to borrow from my settlement money to pay the bills. I used to to work a hell of a lot harder than cleaning houses, even with this injury, so the notion of me quitting the 2 cleaning jobs I have is ridiculous. Until I get my green card, this is what I have to do.

We had plans to go over to a friend's house to play poker Friday night, but after the day I had, it wasn't in me to go. I had a headache and couldn't get comfortable in my own house... I didn't want to go to a loud poker game with a bunch of drunk people, kids, and unruly animals. I had been looking forward to seeing our friends, but it just wasn't in me. My husband went at my insistence. He wasn't surprised that I bailed, I think he just wished I could reach out a little bit. I withdraw when I'm hurting, be it emotionally or physically- some people surround themselves, but I'm unable to do that. I outcast myself, in a way. I always have. I was an only child until I was 14, and I've constantly fought being the outcast, or feeling like the outcast. I was the class loser from 1st grade all the way up to 8th. That gawky, awkward, uncomfortable child lies within me still. Not exactly the healthiest self image to have, that of the outcast or the loner. I would love to be the bubbly, outgoing one. And when I'm with those I know well, and feeling good, I can be like that. But deep down, I still wonder if people really like me, and if I'm worthy of love. Such cliche bullshit, I know. But it's how I feel.

Yesterday was spent cuddling and watching movies... We went and got some junk food (a rare indulgence for me nowadays) and curled up on the couch. Aaron and I are both huge movie buffs. We can watch them for hours. I felt 'off' yesterday, and was a little touchy, but nothing compared to my outburst today. Today was just one of those days when I got upset about everything, and wound myself up with worries, only to completely lose it on the way to the gym. Aaron ended up going without me, and I continued on with my tantrum. Eventually, I calmed down, and made it to the gym, which helped lift my spirits considerably.

Tonight, when I lay down to go to sleep, I'm going to try and keep these thing in mind. Life is filled with highs and lows, and I'm more fortunate than many. I'm lucky to have people that love me. I need to learn to love me too, because If I did, I'd be a happier, healthier person.

A Million thoughts on ' A Million Little Pieces'

So there is all of this controversy about James Frey's memoir, "A Million Little Pieces." I have read the book; I read as many memoirs and books that pertain to me somehow as I can, because my dream is to publish my own story. Seeing all of this backlash on James Frey's integrity and honesty is sort of frightening. I have read 'The Smoking Gun' article, as well as the interview he had on Larry King last night, along with a bunch of other things on the web. It makes me wonder about myself.

If someday, my work is good enough to be published, I know there will be details changed, and that my recollection is just that- my recollection. I have hesitated to talk about much on this blog because I'm not ready to share everything. But if I did, I bet people would question whether or not I'm telling the truth. I've experienced a lot in my life, and a large percentage of it was negative, maybe even ridiculous, to some. I'm only 27. I don't know what's in store for me in the coming years, but I have continuing daily battles. I am hoping by the time I reach 30 I'll have a little more figured out. By 35, even more... I want to keep writing, as often as possible, for myself... In hopes that someday, someone will pick up my story, and find inspiration and similarity.

What I don't want, is a publish backlash, like Frey is experiencing. I don't know how much time he spent in jail, and to what extent he's embellished. I've read all sorts of opinions, from people calling him a plagiarist to people who believe 100% of everything he wrote, and my opinion is this- whether Frey was arrested once or twenty times is irrelevant to me. He told a tale of addiction, and of rehabilitation. Even if it is part fiction, my bottom line is if I can relate to it, I want to read it, because it's a part of my own experience in this world. I am currently trying to walk the fine line between dependence and straight up addiction. Anything that I find inspiring is enough.

I think book sales of this already popular memoir will soar. People will be curious about the controversy, and buy the book. James Frey is a millionaire already, thanks largely in part to the success of ' A Million Little Pieces.' He may very well become even wealthier. It's a shame that the price he pays is the questioning of his integrity. The media is a double edged sword, and here I am, wanting in on the action...

a psychosomatic

I just signed up for a tai chi class, and I'm very excited about it. My chiropractor recommended I try that or Yoga, to help deal with the pain. I've tried the Yoga thing once after the accident, and it was too painful, I couldn't even make it through the entire session. That was probably a year ago. I used to work at the Geological Survey of Canada, back when I was a newlywed at 20. They had tai chi classes on the grounds at lunchtime, and I always wanted to participate, but because I was becoming a Jehovah's Witness, I wasn't allowed to participate. (I'd go on a rant about the JW thing, but I'll keep mum on it.) I'm grateful to have the opportunity to try it now. It's been proven to be beneficial in stress reduction and chronic pain. They call it "meditation in movement."

I finally dragged my butt to the gym yesterday, to do some cardio and break a sweat- another thing recommended by my Chiropractor. And it felt so good to get moving! All I did was the bike for 20 minutes and the elliptical for 10. Nothing major, considering I used to run 6 miles, when I was training for a half marathon. (Shortly before the marathon, Aaron and I got in the accident) But we went together, he goes to the gym at least 4 times a week, and he wanted to get more cardio in himself. It was a real mood lifter- and it was all natural. We came home and had some fun in the bedroom right after, then curled up to watch a movie. I had a great day yesterday, and those don't come along so often for me. So I'm very grateful :)

Everything with my medicine worked out fine, with a different pharmacist. It just makes me want to get off of it more, though. I hate depending on painkillers, and I hope the steps I'm taking will help with that too. I want to start going back for counseling as well. I'm definitely an advocate of therapy, since I've been going off and on from the age of 11. When I do go, I can feel the difference in my awareness and my self esteem. I've hit a lot of lows growing up, and I've become a master at self sabotage... My husband made a comment yesterday that lingers with me now. I used to be the sick one- you know, the one who always had a cold, or the flu or a headache. Well, I haven't had a cold in ages, probably a year, and I remarked how amazing that was. He said to me, "you probably don't get sick like that anymore because you have something else to focus your negative energy- your injury. " I immediately got defensive, but he said "I don't think it's a conscious thing for you, Alli, I think it's subconscious, where you don't realize."

I chewed on that for a while over breakfast and throughout the day, and I thought of my mom and my little sister at home, in Canada. They are both always battling a respiratory infection or a bad flu, my poor little sister is often scratchy voiced when we talk on the phone. My mom is the same way (well, if we're talking at the time or not.) And there's a lot of negative energy around my mom. Part of the reason I battle some of the demons I do, comes from my upbringing. My mom isn't a happy person, and I one of my biggest fears is turning out like my mother. She is angry, sad, and bitter about things. She's dealt with a lot in her life, but it hasn't seemed to make her stronger, it's seemed to just take it's toll. I don't want that to be me. My dad has been dealing with chronic pain since about my age, when he was in an accident at work. He had polio at 3, which wasn't good to start with, and then a series of events and operations... He's going to be 56 soon, and he's almost crippled, he's in so much pain. I'm afraid of becoming like him too... There are cycles that go on in families, and I want to stop the cycles in mine.

I've rambled enough. Time to finish folding the laundry.

a drama queen

I feel ashamed and embarrased, and when I feel this way, logical thought goes out the window. Emotions take over.

I went to see my pain mgmt doctor yesterday, and he refilled the prescriptions as usual. I gave him an update on what's been happening since I started with all of the new therapies, and that I'm still struggling with the flare ups in my shoulder, neck and back. I said that I was going to give it another month at this place, doing exactly what they tell me, and see how I feel. So far they have increased my range of motion, but not decreased much of the pain. They do treatments on all the areas that I've had injections in previously, trying to get my right side back in order. But when the simplest task causes a week's worth of pain, I can't help but wonder how much 'better' I am.

Anyway, so today, I go to get my prescriptions refilled. I've been having a few problems at the pharmacy I've been using lately(Walgreens), but nothing like today. I have a Canadian passport that is valid. My Canadian driver's licsence can't be renewed from here, and I don't have my SS# yet... So I can't yet get a state id either. That's all in the hands of the INS who has my file. I've been using my passport forever, at this same pharmacy, with the same prescriptions. But now that I'm married, and I'm taking my husband's last name, my insurance company had to put my married and my maiden name on my insurance card. Just in case, I always I keep my birth certificate and my marriage licsence with me. Well, today a pharmacist at Walgreens refused to fill my prescriptions. He said I had no state id, and that was all that he would take. I tried to explain the situation, and tell him my passport is valid, immigration is getting me my green card and a SS#... I'm covered under insurance, I've been a customer there for months... Pulling out my marriage liscence, telling him to look up my history in the computer... Anything I could do to tell this guy, hey, I'm no fraud junkie seeking to get high. I know this is a lot of pain medicine, but I'm in a lot of pain. He didn't give a shit. He was loud and obnoxious, I'm sure because of the drug. He claimed that he wasn't going to break state law. I felt like shit. People around me were looking, the other pharmacy staff were listening. It was so embarrassing and I could hardly leave there quickly enough.

I ran to the car, sobbing, and my husband asked what the deal was. I told him the guy refused to fill it, and I felt like a fucking junky. He remained calm, and said it wasn't a big deal, it was one pharmacist on one day. I'd never had a problem getting medicine before. He asked if I was out of pain meds and I said no, I had leftovers from last month. Enough for a few days. My patch will need changed on Monday, but I had pills left over. He said just go tomorrow, get someone else... Of course, I would hear none of it. My feelings were so hurt, all I could think of was 'I am shit.' I let this pharmacist make me feel like a junky, and hurt my feelings. And for a good 2 hours I was upset about it, crying, trying to get it out on paper, trying to talk it out with Aaron. He was so calm about it all, and didn't understand why I was upset. I kept wondering if the pharmacist was right about me...

Eventually I calmed down enough to sit and half watch a movie. On my mind was the replay of the events... What was I gonna do?? Was I breaking the law because I had a gov't id from another country?? Would anyone fill these prescriptions? I had to sign a contract with my doctor saying I would only use one pharmacy. And I've only used the one Walgreens. If they refuse to fill it tommorow, then I'm gonna have to call my doctor's office, tell them about the situation, and change pharmacies. But what if they won't fill it either, then what...? I'm waiting for my US id, I can't help that I am Canadian, and got in a damned accident (which I was the passenger!) I'm on this fucking medicine and I want to get off of it.. It doesn't make me high, and I don't sell it to my friends. It's not fun to hurt everyday, and rely on a pill to try and cover it up for a while. There's a reason I'm spending my settlement money on medical bills. I'm not just seeing a doctor and laying on my ass popping pills. I've tried everything to heal this injury. I had almost 2 years of physical therapy after the accident, along with trigger point injections. Then I started getting more invasive procedures, needles in the cervical spine, the facet joints, and my occipital nerves. I'm currently undergoing less invasive treatment, doing accupuncture and massages and ultrasounds and adjustments... I refuse to hurt like this my whole life. I am trying whatever I can to get better... But I feel like a horrible person now, like a complete and total fuck up. Am I?

an exhausted cat lover

So work for me today was a cleaning job. The house I clean on Thursdays is almost 6000 sq ft. Now that's a mansion!! We own a house that is 1800 sq, and to me, that's a lot of room. Aaron and I lived in a dingy little one bedroom basement level apartment for 3 years- it couldn't have been more than 650 sq ft. We are living like kings with the space we have now, though it's not all redone the way we want it. Anyway, today this job was a bitch. Normally, I only clean one floor of the house, but once every 2 or 3 weeks I do the whole thing, and since it's after Christmas, a lot needed to be done today. I'm exhausted. I'll see how my body feels by Saturday, but after my recent flare up, I'm worried I may have overdone it.

My cat, Copper, is downstairs howling at the top of his lungs. He's a spoiled orange tabby, and he's demanding that I get off of the computer and chase him around the house. I've been planning on getting a kitten- a cute little girl to introduce to Copper. I swear, Copper is ADD and OCD- he's the strangest cat. I'm hoping that a new buddy will do him well, once he gets over being mad about the new addition. He gets very lonely during the day when we're gone, not to mention if we go away for more than 2 days. So, a playmate will come in handy. I can't manage to chase him up and down the stairs, and in and out of closets, like he wants. He needs a buddy, a little sister! I've contacted the humane society and everything. All I need to do is go during adoption hours, I've already got a room ready for a new kitten. God, how obvious is it that I'm so not ready for kids... I'm still trying to handle the bawling cat. :)

I had a whole tyrade in my head earlier, but I'm too tired to go ahead with it. Maybe when I have some more energy. Aaron should be home from work soon, and I want to get some supper on. (I went to the grocery store and bought dinner, all I need is the microwave.) I'm amazed that within just a few days, this blog has become my outlet. I can't wait to get up or come home and get it all out. It feels good... familiar. I used to feel this way about writing and for different reasons, it had become more of a chore. I'd rewrite the same sentence ten times, and end up with nothing. I don't know why this blog is so different, but it is. I can get it all out if I want to, and just leave it be. I find some sort of peace in that.

Ok, the cat is still crying, I'm outta here.

morning philosophy

I was watching my morning news in my cozy bed earlier, and I learned about the mine disaster in West Virginia. There was an explosion on Monday, and it was thought that 12 out of 13 miners were alive. Last night, the families of the miners found out that they had received wrong information. 12 out the 13 miners were dead. Talk about a rollercoaster. My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones. I have never lost a loved one, I guess that makes me lucky. Aaron lost his mother when he was 20- she had a chronic rare disease that slowly killed her over the course of 10 years. My mom lost her father, and her first fiance. I am very scared of the idea of facing death, not just my own, but those I love as well. I can't even imagine what it is like to watch someone get sick and die, or have a terrible accident and suddenly be gone. None of us are immune, that is the cycle of life, and at some point I'll be dealing with death.

I don't follow any type of religion. I grew up Catholic, and then married a Jehovah's Witness when I was 20. I got re 'baptized' as a JW when I was 21. By the time I was 22, I was out the door of the religion and the marriage. Most people know JW's as the ones who come knocking on your door on a Saturday morning, and who don't celebrate holidays or birthdays. All of this is true, but the belief system beyond that is something else. JW's believe that only 144000 people actually get to heaven(special JW folks who are 'anointed with holy spirit') and that they are the true religion. They believe that those who follow Jehovah (just another name for God) will survive Armageddon, and live forever in paradise on earth. They don't believe in hellfire, they teach that when you die, that's it, unless you get resurrected after Armageddon(it's really very involved as you can see.) They believe the world is in it's 'last days,' and soon the good and the bad will be judged by God. Unless you're a JW, they think you will die (at least there's no eternal torture in their beliefs.) They don't celebrate holidays, because they consider them pagan in origin. (I've done a lot of research since getting out of the JW religion and everything has some pagan origin, the JW's pick and choose; for example wedding rings are pagan, as is a white wedding dress, but those rituals are allowed. But no confetti or throwing rice at weddings because they are pagan.) Pagan has such a negative connotation to it, but I don't think it deserves the bad rap. It's a part of history, a part of culture, even today.

Anyway, I digress. I am not religious. I love religious history however, and have spent hours reading. I just don't buy into the dogma anymore, I guess. I would say I am spiritual, but that word is so over used. So I guess I'm agnostic. I don't know what's out there, or who if anyone, created us and the rest of the cosmos. I'm intrigued by astrology, my horoscopes tend to be very accurate. On a trip to Chicago, after my husband and I got married, I went to a psychic, mostly out of curiosity, and had her read my tarot cards. She was dead on. She nailed my personality, the changes and struggles I'm going through. She also saw an impending illness in a family member. I found out later that week that my niece from Canada had been rushed to the hospital, and was in a coma. They aren't sure what is wrong with her, she got out of the coma, and now they think she is having silent seizures, or she may have a low grade tumor. She has been back and forth to hospitals for all sorts of tests, and goes in for more tests and an MRI on the 9th.

It was just the other day, as I was fooling around on some horoscope page, that I remembered the psychic's reading. Maybe they are really good at reading people. Maybe they are scam artists. But something about the stars and psychics really intrigue me. My sister in law (who is very Christian) gets premonitions. It's the most bizarre thing. It usually comes in a dream. I've seen her premonitions come true.

If there is a creator out there, my one question to him would be "what is this life all about?" I don't buy the Adam and Eve story. I think the Bible is a historic book, obviously, but logically I don't think original sin is why I'm here today and will die one day. Is there really a battle between God and Satan, as Christians suggest? Or is the battle inside ourselves, between our good and our bad? I hope that I have a long life ahead of me, because I want to learn as much as I can. I want to find my purpose in this world.

Then again, don't we all??

a worrier

I love eminem, I think he's a genius. I was laying in bed watching his newest video, wondering if he's really going to give the act up. He doesn't pull any punches; talking about his ambien addiction, his family, his good intentions...I hope he's just taking a break, selfishly, because I've always related to a lot of the struggles he raps about. The self hatred, the addictions,the insecurities...

Anyway, I was supposed to go do a cleaning job today, and I can't. My fucking shoulder has flared up, and I'm in severe pain. I see a chiropractor at least twice a week, along with twice a week massages and physical therapy. I even get acupuncture once a week. I am so frustrated at this point, I want to scream. It's been almost 3 years since we (hubby and I) got hit by a semi. Aaron has had some pain in his lower back, but I have been through the wringer. I've had 2 years of physical therapy and trigger point injections. I've had an epidural, I've had 3 series of nerve blocks in my neck, my shoulder and my back. Those are painful procedures where they stick needles in your cervical spine, and other inflamed areas and inject medication. Nothing has helped long term. I am now trying the chiro etc. that I talked about, but am still dealing with flare ups that literally keep me from living my normal life. I am on a painkiller patch, have a long standing percocet rx, take 2 types of antidepressants for depression that have off label pain killing uses, and recently the doc added valium to the mix. You would think I'd be a walking zombie, but I'm not. I'm ridiculously dependent on my medicine. Personally, I think I'm addicted, but everyone including my doctor, rationalize it. They say there's a difference between addiction and dependency, but I don't buy it 100%. I mean, some days, I cannot get out of bed without a percocet and a valium. I'm told that's normal when I'm in severe pain. My doctor says that doesn't make me a drugged out loser, which is what I fear. I want so badly to be pain free, and get off of all of this shit, but that's not happening. I don't know whether to keep faith in the chiro (who's clinic does all of the therapies I get) who is anti doctors, or to tell my pain management doc that we should try more invasive procedures, since no amount of therapy seems to keep my body stabilized. I am looking into a procedure where they burn off the nerves in the areas that cause pain, as well as botox- an option that has been considered before- to freeze the muscles long enough to get them back in proper working order. I don't know what to do.

I have a great job opportunity at my finger tips, and I want to get back into the real working world. I've done all sorts of odd jobs since moving here from Canada, but I would love get into a routine. I'll be able to work part time from home to start, thank god, but eventually, I hope to be working full time from an office. I don't want even consider that this injury will haunt me for the rest of my life, but if it does, for me to be able to work full time, it has to be manageable.

Poor me, right? I'm sure I sound like I want a pity party thrown in my honor, but I really just want to get my life back. I want to overcome every obstacle that stands in my way (which I admit sometimes can be me, self sabotaging) and get back to work, and keep diligently writing. In the end I want to tell my whole story and get published. Maybe I can inspire somebody...? Because right now it's like climbing a moutain, and the peak is nowhere in sight.

This year, it just didn't seem like "New Year's." Normally we have a big plans, or a party to go to. This year was so quiet. We hung out with our friends, Chad and Linds, who are expecting a baby girl in March. We went out to eat, and then we went bowling ( I couldn't bowl, my shoulder wouldn't allow it, so I took over the jukebox.) Finally, we went back to Chad and Lindsey's house, and played board games with some other people. All of a sudden it was like, Oh, it's 11:59, uhhh everyone get their champagne, and it was over... It was sort of anticlimactic. Time seems to go by faster the older you get... And I'm not that old.



My niece's sleepover went great! I was pretty proud of myself, because we had a great time.This is us Friday night. I bought her her first scrapbook, and we started on that. We played Candyland, and fell asleep watching a Hillary Duff movie. She was in heaven, and I don't feel quite so ill equipped to deal with kids. I'm going to have her over more often, it's good for my soul and hers:) All of our friends are starting families. Aaron (my husband) and I are nowhere near ready, and it sort of freaks me out that all of my girlfriends are having babies. Some are planned, some not. But still, I'm going to be an old mom in comparison. I know it's the right decision for us to wait to be parents, it's just so surreal to see all of my friends with bulging bellies.

Aaron took our nephews to go see King Kong today, so I'm looking forward to curling up with a good book, and watching a girl movie. I feel like I've been on the go so much, that today, I'm gonna let myself be lazy, because I don't give myself that luxury enough. It's funny though, my mom used to constantly call me lazy as a kid all the time, but now, even if I'm aching, I will still clean my house and get done what needs to be done. Aaron has to constantly remind me to be careful that I don't over do it and hurt myself. Not today:)

My mom, god what a subject that is. Unfortunately, we don't have a great relationship. We've never been close, but we go through bouts of fighting even now, with her 2000 miles away. It's sad, really. She didn't have a good relationship with her mom, nor did my grandma with her mom- there's definitely a pattern in my family. I would like to break the cycle. Part of the reason I'm scared shitless of having kids, is because I don't want to fuck them up. I'm not blaming my mom for my problems, but I will say that I didn't grow up in a happy household. My mom has had to face some tragedies in her life, but she has always been angry or sad or hostile. She feels like a victim... I don't know that she ever truly got over them. She is not speaking to any of the family right now, including me, because she feels like we're all out to get her. Honestly, I think she'd get good use out of a psychologist. Depression runs in my family on my dad's side, but dealing with it myself, and watching my mom as I grew up ( she and my father have been divorced since I was 3) leads me to believe that she suffers from it too. Anyway this is far deeper than I planned on going, so I'm going to go grab my book and curl up with my cat. Happy New Year. I hope 2006 brings happiness and health to all of us out there...