anything but average.
strong in heart, but sometimes feel weak in spirit.
extroverted, but trapped in the body of an introvert.
determined.
stubborn.
fragile.
frightened.
intuitive, yet clueless.
intelligent, but obsessive.
neurotic
unorganized
learning to laugh at all of the above,
instead of
hanging my head in shame.
I was asked to describe myself, as I am and as who I strive to be... This is not going to be summed up neatly, like I had anticipated. I'm sure I will be editing long after I publish this page on the web.
I am.... god, so many words, each with their own meanings... I will try to categorize and compartmentalize, because I'm having a really hard time doing this. I've used the backspace button more than anything else. Ok, I am emotional. Putting it mildly. I have
always wanted to react differently to conflict, but old habits die hard and I really take things to heart. I've always wished I could be the calm, logical type with enough inner strength to be able confront conflict diplomatically and move on. Unfortunately, I nearly drown myself in tears when a fight gets bad enough, and though I try to be rational, my emotions take over and I don't function properly until there is some sort of resolution. I think it's good to be in touch with your feelings, but it should be with the whole spectrum of feelings, not just the negative ones. So, what I want to be is someone who is in tune with her feelings, but does not let her emotions control her when a disagreement becomes heated or difficult. Whatever changes I've made have been slow; I used to physically lash out at myself and/or someone else, but then anything breakable was fair game. Slamming doors were not uncommon. Now, I'm easily prone to tears, which leads to frustration from both sides. I've turned to internalizing everything and taking all of the blame, because anything is better than arguing. Years of intermittent therapy have not taught me better communication skills; or rather, I just haven't learned. Sometimes I hear my mother's voice in my own when I'm speaking, and it always startles me. I don't want to be anything remotely reminiscent of my mother. All my mother has ever done is yell, patronize, accuse and played the victim. She's miserable now, at 53, just like she was at 43 and 33... While some people joke about being like their mothers, I really, truly, don't want to end up like mine.
Being an only child until I was 14, I grew up thinking I was very independent. I made my own lunches, did chores around the house, spent a lot of time home alone, or at school after hours, waiting for a ride in the library. After a job interview when I was 18, my mom informed me that I was more of a loner, but that I was in all honesty, very dependent. I was hurt by that statement, but had no idea what it really meant at that time. But now, I hate that she was right. Her words echo in my ears, and I shudder. Did I take that statement she made almost ten years ago and subconciously continue that behavioral pattern? What I'm trying to say is that I want to be independent...I know it's so important for my well being and my marriage to have things that are just mine. Aaron has had the same best friends since he was a child. I want to grow my own roots, so to speak. I've lost touch with nearly everyone from college as well as high school. Most of the friendships were superficial, but that was because I kept nearly everyone at arm's length. But I'm nearing thirty, and I'll be damned if I continue that pattern. I've taken successful steps toward change and put myelf out there again, and I am starting to see rewards. But change doesn't always come easily, and without it's own set of baggage.
I grew up the awkward, clumsy, weird kid. I was outcasted everywhere we lived, until I hit high school, and when I was able to secure a place with the popular crowd, I wasn't comfortable enough in who I was to be able to embrace that part of me that had been the butt of so many cruel jokes. So many of my friendships over the years were kept at a distance. It's as though I've been holding my breath because I've always been worried about what people will think... And I finally feel something that says' just breathe.' Fuck it, who cares? It's ok to break into a cheesy song or have silly ideas of what fun is. It's ok if my husband and I don't have exactly the same sense of humor. He certainly doesn't care if I'm amused by his antics, so why should I care if he's not mesmerized by all of mine?
I read this over and the emotion I see over and over is fear. Fear that has maifested itself in one way or another. I don't want to live a life afraid of what people think of me, afraid to take chances, afraid to go with my gut instinct, afraid to be me. I don't want to feel like I have to defend myself all of the time... I see the funny looking child that is still part of me, and I just want to grab her, hold her, and whisper,
'It's perfectly ok if you don't live a textbook existence. Those things that make you different? They make you who you are. They make you special And if you spend your life denying them or hiding them, you spend your life afraid. Be brave enough to belt out a feel good song off key in the middle of the street! Laugh when you say something dumb! Do what makes you happy! '
Back to the original reason for this whole post...Who am I? Who do I want to be?
I want to live my life with no regrets. Mistakes are chances to LEARN something and move on.
I want to the woman who has a beautiful smile that's always showing. I want to be passionate but not oversensitive. Kind to others, but kind to myself too. Strong but gentle. Intelligent though a little absent minded. Creative and klutzy. Openminded and quirky. Brave but humble. Happy. I want to be a woman who people gravitate toward because she's got great energy, a great attitude, and again, a great smile.
I've changed a thousand things, and I'll still probably feel the urge to further add or censor something else. But for now, I'm done.
