a brooding girl

I am not ready for parenthood, by any means. Even as a kid, I didn't know if I wanted them, and if I did eventually want kids, I'd be at least 30. So far, I'm doing, fine, right on schedule. One thing I know is that being patient is one of my shortcomings. And to be a parent, I think that patience is essential.

But my niece is coming over to spend the night. She's adorable, blonde haired and blue eyed. She was my flower girl, and loves her "Aunt Alli." The trouble is, I'm so self involved that it's so hard for me to give her the patience and attention she deserves. She is the smallest of 5, raised by a sometimes single mom. I love her mom to death, she's my husbands sister, and she's hilarious. Anyway, I'm anticipating her arrival, I want to give this kid a fun girl's night... I really do.

The easiest way for me to do that is to take my medications as directed, and control the physical pain and the depression I'm in today...I've been to the Chiro today, and had a deep tissue massage and some other PT. But I'm hurting, and grouchy and don't know if I have it in me to give my niece the best. So I'm a little worried about that. She'll be here in about half an hour, and will stay a full 24 hours. I'm hoping I can handle it. I have a little sister, who's back in Canada that is 13. She's a cool kid, has a lot of spunk in her. But I have missed a lot of her life, because I left for college right after high school and didn't look back. I've spent some time with my niece and she's very sweet, but I'm scared of my mood affecting her stay. How do I forget about myself for a while and just get into kid mode? I guess that's my goal for today. Have fun with this precious little girl, and give her a fun memory...

Me

So this is me. Hi folks! Happy Holidays! I have tried my hand at the blogging thing before, but due to my procrastinating ways, it never really got anywhere. But not this time! I'm starting before the new year, so that I don't wind up breaking a resolution. I love to read and write, and it's my dream to be published. I hope to be wise enough to one day write a memior of not just being in the moment, but the lessons I've learned as well.

I'll give you a background on me. I'm 27, and originally from Canada. At 17, I went to University to study English, but I was more concerned with drinking, smoking, and guys. I dropped out in my junior year to marry someone that I had dated for 5 months, who just happened to belong to a religion that could be considered a cult. Not the smartest move on my part!! My family was aghast. I was scared shitless myself, as the reality sank in. I was a mess, my marriage was a mess, and my whole belief system was in shambles. We stayed together about a year and a half, and during that time, I experienced lows that I didn't know were possible. As my marriage was ending, and I was trying to make sense out of my religious/ spiritual beliefs, I met an american guy online. He was coming out of the religion I was trying to get out of, and having a hard time with it. We immediately had a connection. In my wildest dreams, I never could have imagined that what started out with questions about beliefs and flirtatious comments, would change my life again, in a whole new way.

That was 5 years ago. We were married on Oct 1 of this year. We've been through hell and back to get to this point, and we know that there will be victories and failures that will arise. We are very similar, yet very different. We never stop learning about each other... Sometimes the learning has been fantastic, sometimes it has been confusing. We bought a house in July, the same month we got engaged, and planned to renovate the main level of the house. We also decided to throw a wedding together at the same time. How we made it through renovating a large part of our first home, and planning a wedding is beyond me. Somehow, we got it done. My family flew in from Canada, and we had the most beautiful wedding. It was perfect. We both shed tears during our vows, and couldn't believe we had made it that far!

Now, maybe I need to do some research, but do all couples go through a letdown after the wedding? We've been shitty with each other lately, each of us having our own issues. We're exhausted with the house, and soooo much needs to be done. We were in a fairly bad accident 2 1/2 years ago that has led to some chronic pain for me, but a settlement as well. I'm not working just yet, so my account keeps draining. I don't expect anyone but me to pay for my ridiculous doctor bills,(thank god I now have insurance) or the new cute shoes I must have. My husband makes a decent living as a Financial Advisor, but with things like huge heating bills and a big mortgage, money goes quickly. Anyway without getting into too many boring details, let's just say that we're stressed right now, and need a little r&r. Life just doesn't slow down, and it can be hard to make time for each other, or easy to take each other for granted.
Ok, enough from me, for today that is.