Just another day

And with mood shifts come the increased aches and pains... I'm definitely experiencing the ebb and flow of life. The good days are awesome, and the bad days are not quite so intolerable. I've tuned into the swiftness with which my mood can change. It's as if I'm a snake, waiting quietly, hissing, before I lunge. Fortunately, I've been able to write after a noticable mood swing or upsetting event. Unfortunately, I am still very hard on myself when I catch myself in the act of reacting.


I've been more 'keyed up' for the last 3 days. Slowly, my trapezius muscles and scalenes have tightened to the point where motion is extremely limited. My ribs hurt, my shoulder hurts. Today I woke up and immediately, before even moving, I could feel that agonizing burn. Mentally, I'm not at my worst, but my anxiety is up. I have constant butterflies in my stomach that won't go away. I'm trying the 'exercises' given to me by my therapist for moments of distress, but it's an effort. I bet when I look back, getting off of painkillers will probably be a cakewalk compared to changing my long held behavioral patterns and emotional responses.



I went for a walk this afternoon at my usual spot. It helped, although the walk in itself was much harder than usual. It's sunny and warm out though, and I refused to just lay in the house all day. I hadn't walked since Friday morning, and that could have been just one small piece of the whole mind/body enigma I'm trying to figure out.

Aaron has become increasingly frustrated with my weight issues... The fact is, he has done everything short of physically shove food down my throat to get me to gain some weight. He tells me I look like I need a fucking hamburger, and I've gone beyond thin and sexy. Why does the mind play tricks on the body? Logically, my weight is too damn low. But I don't see that in the mirror. My therapists are trying to help with all of this, but I'm resisting, and I know it. I'm afraid that if I gain just 10 pounds, I won't be able to control my weight at all. But I'd still be a thin girl at 115 pounds- that was my high school weight! I don't get it. I've never had body issues like this before. I might not be confident in many ways, but my figure was rarely a cause for any concern. I gained the typical freshman 15 in college, but managed to find a healthy balance and overall, liked my figure and curves.

Am I switching addictive behaviors? How much of a role does control (or the illusion of it) play in all of the things I'm dealing with?

Lazy Days

Florida was hot and beautiful. Our hotel in St. Petersburg overlooked a wildlife preserve, surrounded by a boardwalk and lush greenery. Every morning, with my mp3 player blaring, I took my walk. It was almost as if I wasn't in a city at all. I saw an alligator up close for the first time, watched turtles of all sizes swim in the murky water, and gazed at the birds with the brightly colored beaks as they fed their babies by mouth. I was in awe. Sadly, my digital camera broke, and I had to buy a cheap disposable, so I don't know how the few pictures I took will turn out.

After my walk, I'd usually head to the computer to feed my online addiction, and then out to the pool for some sun. The temperatures were in the high 80's all five days we were there, with few clouds in sight. I caught up on some reading as planned, but the majority of my time was spent on self reflection. Nights were spent ordering room service or going out to eat with Aaron. All in all it was very low key, and I savored every moment. I realized again just how blessed I am, even with all the baggage I carry and the negative habits I've developed. It's all about perspective, and being content with the things one does have.

I am on a journey. And I don't know exactly where it is leading me. But if I do the right things, and keep urging myself forward, I'm sure that I'll be ok.

There is a lot on my mind today, but for now, I'm going to keep it there...

And we're off...

So we're off to Florida in about an hour. I am excited- it's a vacation for me! My darling husband however, is dreading the trip. He'll be stuck in conferences and classes all week, while I lay on my ass in the sun. Hopefully, between his work and my play, we'll be able to fit in some quality time for just us. We need it- desperately.

I suspect I'll be journaling, reading and taking pictures a lot. I'll do a little soul searching, work on the memoir I've been puttering away at for 3 years, and find new places to go for my daily walks. I'm at a crossroads, and while a trip won't determine the outcome, it will certainly give me a chance to think clearly and figure out where I go from here....

There's a thin line...

Aaron and I leave for Tampa on Monday. I feel slightly guilty that he has to go and work while I'll be sunning myself in 80 degree weather. But, I guess that's a perk of being married to a broker. I feel very fortunate.

I saw a new shrink on Tuesday... Counselors don't deal with medications, and my therapists both thought that it would be a good idea to meet with a new psychiatrist. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy to talk to this doctor was. Most shrinks just throw a prescription at you, and 15 minutes later, you're out of the office. Not the case this time. I had to go over my history, again...And of course, the Borderline thing came up. How could it not? He did prescribe an older antidepressant to help with sleep, but that was it.

I've had a good, fairly productive week. My state of mind has been where it should be- in the moment, willing to change. I get a little afraid when I'm on the upswing, because in the past, it's always been followed by a crash in emotions. Something feels different this time. I know the patterns, and now, I'm beginning to learn tools to reprogram the detrimental habits. Basically, I'm going to school to learn how to cope emotionally. That's the way I look at it. And it's ok. I didn't learn to cope- so what? It doesn't mean I have to live in the past forever. It's all about mindfullness. Awareness. Acceptance. Practice.

One thing that is a battle is my weight. I am still under 105 lbs, and while I know logically, I should gain a little bit of weight, I LOVE how thin I am. It makes me feel sexy. But I'm no idiot, and I don't want to end up needing a feeding tube. The bottom line is that I need to force more food down... Especially now that I'm getting to be more active.

I am me

In college, I discovered this poem on a poster... The poster is since gone, but the message has always resonated with me. I find that I'm constantly comparing myself to others; usually resulting in defeatism. But this is a gentle reminder that I am on my own journey.



I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.
Therefore, everything that comes out of me
is authentically mine because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me
including everything it does;
including all its thoughts and ideas;
including the images of all they behold;
whatever they may be...
anger,
joy,
frustration,
love,
disappointment,
excitement
and all the words that come out of it
polite,
sweet or rough,
correct or incorrect;
loud or soft.
And all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me I can become intimately acquainted with me.
By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I thinkand feel at a given moment in time is me.
This is authentic and represents where I am in that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how Ithought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting.
I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting,
And invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

-Virginia Satir

28 Days

I celebrate being 28 days free of painkillers today. I plan on getting sloshed tonight. No, seriously, I went to therapy, picked up some great books from the library, and have a walk planned for later.

Aaron and I have reached the point in our relationship where, in order for us to create a healthy, happy family, some things must change. It wasn't that I was unaware before, but it took a bottoming out for me to finally admit some things... Out of respect for the sanctity of our marriage I am not going to talk a whole lot about it, except to say that love has it's ups and downs. And we are simply on a whirlwind ride, with seatbelts fastened, ready to go forward.

I'm scrapbooking more, watching television less. Thinking instead of numbing. I've become quite attached to my digital camera, and often take it with me on walks. I've learned to embrace my walks- they provide me with a sense of well being and gratitude. It feels good to get blood pumping again. It feels good to feel again. Sometimes:)