Time Marches On

Life has been fairly quiet and uneventful since my little sister went home. Work is a mess- the VP just got axed, and now, there's some 'restructuring' going on... I'm going to be sitting on my ass at home for another couple of weeks. If, in a month, I find out that this company just isn't cutting it, it's going to be time to start looking for a job, old school style. Which means, time to update my resume. Since I haven't held a 'real' (read: legal) job in 5 years, I'm going to have to really spice it up. Obviously, I'll leave out my stint as a stripper. (Although, really, that job prepares you for anything!!) But, I did run a little cleaning business for awhile, so if I can think of a description better than housekeeper, it might look a little more professional. Otherwise, I have great work experience, it's just that I've been absent for some time. My two weeks at the sweatshop don't count.

Now that it's getting close to fall, we've got renovations on the brain. Aaron is currently framing his dream basement, and we're looking at carpet samples for the upstairs. By Christmas, our house will be even closer to the way we imagined when we bought it a year ago.

I've still been pretty isolated. My sister was a huge relief from the drama that is still haunting me from a month ago. But now that she's gone, I'm back to mostly hanging solo. Things are just different now. It's hard, but I'm trying to meet new people, albeit a little slowly. That's one reason I love the internet. I can meet folks that are in the area, but completely out of the clique my husband is a part of. One of the hardest things for me is keeping friendships. I have big time trust issues, and don't do the usual bar scene that most people do around here. When I'm hurting, I isolate myself, and most people don't get that at all. I'm the first to admit it's counter productive, but it's what I know how to do best. I think I learned it from my mom. Another habit on the 'to break' list. My counselor thinks I should get into a creative writing class, because it would serve a dual purpose. I could meet some new people, and develop my skills as a wannabe writer. I'm inclined to agree.

I wish I could stop obsessing about the whole incident that has me tied up in knots, but it still stings me to the bone. I'm angry because I was tricked and used as a scapegoat. I'm hurt because it affected a close friendship that had nothing to do with the issues that arose. While I know some people are just not worth my tears, I am so sad to see what looks like, the beginning of the end of a friendship that I treasured. I'm the only one who has accepted any sort of responsibility for what happened that infamous girl's night... And so by default, I took all of the blame. I was just trying to be a good friend, and it bit me in the ass.

Ok, enough about that. All I can do is move forward. I've been through things worse than this.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I'm movin on



Of course, I can't forget that the VMA's are on tonight, which will provide me with all the entertainment I could ask for. What's better than seeing beautiful celebrities and then comparing them to yourself? That's healthy, right? *Smile* I just want to make fun of bad outfits and see Jessica Simpson attempt to sing. It'll make my night:)

'I'm Movin' On' by Rascal Flatts

My little sister went back to Canada today, and it was hard for me to see her go. Now, as I think about where she is, and how she's doing, I worry and wish she was here, bugging me. So much came out of our time together. She is a fiesty and outgoing teenager with a huge spirit and a warm heart. But she is living in an enviroment that is damaging her, the same way it damaged me, and I am powerless to stop it.

We have a mother who goes through severe moodswings and takes whatever mood she is in out on my little sister; just like she did to me. She gets called selfish, ungrateful and disrespectful on a regular basis; just like I did. My mom badmouths myself, and the rest of my family to my little sister, who thankfully, can see through some of the bullshit. But that's not the worst of it. My 53 year old mother is using my 14 year old sister as a crutch. She has isolated herself and become so bitter and angry, that she has no one left. My sister is caught in between a mother who won't leave her alone to just be for a moment, and a father who doesn't know how to show affection. She is so confused, and each time she would bring up the subject, it would always end in tears because she was so conflicted and upset. It breaks my heart to know that my little sister is suffering- and that's what life with my mom is like. You just try and get through it. Unfortunately, you also pick up some very bad coping skills, become extremely critical, and carry an incredible amount of emotional baggage around with you as you mature.

All I can do is promise to always be there for her, whenever she needs me. If that means booking a red eye when things get bad, I'll do it. If it means finally standing up to my mother to try and save my sister, I'll do that too. Anything to keep my precious little sister safe and happy.

The best birth control...

is a boy crazed 14 year old girl with ADHD. I love my little sister to death. Tay is a breath of fresh air. But she's also exhausting, and maturing at a rate faster than the speed of sound.

The whirlwind started on Saturday the 19th. She arrived at 3:30pm. I had to sign off on her, because she was a minor, but O'Hare is so chaotic and hectic that it turned into an hour ordeal, and I didn't even see her until at least 4:30. That was my tip off that the week would forge ahead at a dizzying pace.

Sunday she wanted to shop. She had $500 allowed for back to school stuff, and was determined to spend all of it. I talked her into saving some back, but come hell or high water, the kid was on a mission for clothes. I stood back watching the flurry of activity with a dumbfounded look on my face. We went to all of the stores that Canada doesn't have so that she could have "cool shit no one else does." By the end of the day I was spent, but she stayed up until 1am on the computer.

I had to go to a meeting on Monday, and when I got back at 1, she was just getting up, and back on to the computer. I think she spent the day glued to the chair. We left bright and early Tuesday for Cedar Point- a kick ass amusement park in Ohio. First off was the waterpark, and by the second hour, my sister had found boys she liked and wanted to hang out with. Since I was no match for cute boys (from Canada, no less) I made her come and check in with me every half an hour. The rest of the evening, until nearly midnight, was spent either talking about the boys, or begging to hang out with the boys... I relented a little, and the brat missed her curfew. I was about to go looking for her when she showed up, apparently oblivious to the time.

We woke her up at the crack of dawn on Wednesday, with a blaring kid's television sing along as punishment. We spent the day at Cedar Point, where Aaron took her on her first roller coaster ride ever, and got her to do the scariest coasters on the park. I played Mom and watched them play, but felt slightly jealous inside. My neck was already aching from the marathon car rides and the non stop activity, but I hated missing out on the fun. The one ride I think is safe- the go karts- turns into a classic Alli moment. I'm driving along, when we're told it's time to stop. A pile of go karts stopped in front of me, and before I know it, I'm crashing into the back of a chubby redheaded boy's car. After apologizing profusely, we got the hell out of there, and I decided that was as adventurous as I was going to get.

Exhausted, we returned home and rested on Thursday. Tay spent most of the day absorbed in msn conversations and her nexopia page, and Aaron and I took to the couch to relax in front of a movie. Friday, I took her to get a makeover at a funky makeup store, so she could buy some Urban Decay cosmetics. The makeup artist did such a beautiful job, but my little sister pulled no punches, and said quite frankly that she hated it. It wasn't 'emo' enough for her. (I've discovered that emo is a term used to describe a certain style my sister is into). So she bought a bunch of dark eyeliner instead. I just smiled and shook my head as she spent the last of her money.

Today, we're heading up to Chicago so she can see the sights before her flight tomorrow morning. I can't believe the week is almost gone.

Not So New Age

Things have changed again around here. I have withdrawn socially, and to be quite honest, I don't think I'm missed. I want to bemoan what has become, but c'mon, what good is that going to do? Save it for the therapist's chair. No need to keep beating a dead horse on a public blog.

I watched the newest "30 Days" when I woke up at the ridiculous hour of 5 am...This time, a stressed out, workaholic turned to New Age. His Christian girlfriend was afraid he was letting the devil in, while the skeptics called it "complete bunk." I was intrigued. After all, my mother believes very strongly in alternative medicine, and embraces some of the new age "bunk," going so far as to carry crystals in her pocket. She's a firm proponent of acupuncture, homeopathy, and has even done energy readings and reiki on me and, ahem, her horses. She's a little, um, eccentric. But, because it was shoved down my throat as a kid, I have some sort of strange attatchment to it.

At first this guy was thrown for a loop. He attended a summer solstice celebration, and it looked like he was ready to bolt when people started to chant. He had some old back injuries, and was treated with acupuncture, reiki, cupping, and a few other alternative therapies. By the third week, he had walked over hot coals, and learned all about tantra. For him, some of the tools used in the new age way of thinking, helped him cope with his stress, anger, and pain. When the project was done, he was a believer.

I don't know that I'm running 0ut to get my aura read, or do a firewalk. I think, just like secular religions, the power of the mind is the true healing force at work. New Age believers don't follow one particular dogma, so there are no set beliefs. I like the freedom that offers. I just keep remembering my mom, with a bolt on a string, measuring my magnetic fields and reading her Sylvia Brown books... Auughhhh. I can't let that be me!

Have I mentioned that the 'endorsements' (read: commercials) for the US elections are like child's play?

Donnelly was late paying his taxes 15 times, yet invested in his own campaign
But Chocola was late too, and supports big oil tax breaks because of his personal investments- he's a selfish bastard.
Donelly voted against the war on terror- he wants the US to flounder in a terror attack.
Chocola is a babykiller.
Donelly is a closet transvestite.

That is what they might as well be saying. I mean, these congressmen candidates are throwing potshots at each other. I can't vote because I'm only a resident, not a citizen. And while I know that the greatest threat to democracy is voter apathy (thanks Mr. Marceau, my 12th grade Social Studies teacher) why would anyone in their right mind vote for any of these schmucks anyway? Is the childish behavior really necessary?

Speaking of children- only two days until lil' sis arrives. If she knew I was calling her a child, oh lord...All she talks about is boys, MAC makeup, and clothes. 'Like' and 'Dude' are staples in her vocabulary. Honestly, I don't know how much change to expect from last year when she was here for a week. My mom says she's gone from skater kid to diva. Too much Paris Hilton! I've been teen proofing the house, and anticipating the arrival of the tornado known as Tay. I love that kid, so I'd better be up to the challenge. She is always talking, moving, fidgeting... To me, she looks like a classic case of ADHD, but I'm no doctor, and even if I was, my mom would NEVER medicate her child with those drugs. Between Tay and Aaron, I'll have my hands full. I'll be the mom, and they'll be the kids teasing me relentlessly. I can see it now. She has already tried to orchestrate a little tag team with Aaron to bug me as much as possible while she's here. I wish I had some of that energy! Maybe it will rub off on me.

An Ode to Pat Kelly

I knew a guy in college who was notorious for being the funny, drama dude who liked to smoke pot. He was a red headed, freckled, irishman- who's name made his heritage obvious. Pat Kelly. One year on my birthday, my friends and I went to see his play. He and his best friend put on a surprisingly funny 2 man show. Afterwards, we all decided to go out and get wasted, and I swear, the guys never stopped being 'on.' It still is one of my best birthday memories to date. Anyway, Pat dropped out of college the next year to pursue his acting dream.

I remember seeing him hosting a gig on Canada's 'YTV' channel a few years back. I saw his buddy on 'Sesame Street,' around the same time. I happened to catch an AIG commercial today, and who do I see, but Pat Kelly, and his buddy doing what they do best- playing off each other. I used my tivo to rewind, like four times, just to make sure I wasn't seeing things. But I'd know those faces anywhere. The guys might not be superstars just yet, but they are doing what they love, and chasing the dream.

Today's blog is dedicated to the people that have the courage and the perserverance to dig their heels in and follow their hearts and dreams, as gooey and cliche as it sounds. People like you inspire me.

Godless does not equal Immoral

If you look up the word moral in the thesaurus, the first synonym listed is Christian.

A University of Minnesota survey indicated that in terms of distrust, atheists are at the top of the list, followed by Muslims, terrorists, and homosexuals. In the US, 75% of the population belongs to some sort of Christian denomination. 5% are self proclaimed atheists. If a US presidential candidate did not believe in God, he would lose 50% of the vote on that alone.

These statistics come from Morgan Spurlock, the guy who gave us "Super Size Me." He has a television show called "30 Days." The concept is pretty self explanatory. He used to be the guinea pig, but now has enlisted the public to go inside a completely foreign world; from a minute man living with a family of illegal immigrants to a white collar computer tech who lost his job due to outsourcing who goes to India. I happened to catch an episode about a woman who was an atheist. A completely normal, stay at home, suburban mom who felt the Christian community had demonized atheism, and in turn, her family without really understanding it. So, she was off to live with a conservative Christian family in Texas for a month, who she hoped to enlighten, while they wished to save her.

From the start, the Christians were preachy and judgmental. One woman actually said, "I'm glad I'm not you- I wouldn't want to be." The host family tried to apologize for the behavior, saying they believed in loving your neighbor, and so on. When this woman tried to explain that to her, atheism was simply a lack of a belief in any god(s), and she could still be moral, the Christians just could NOT fathom that. They couldn't grasp the concept that one can develop morals without the aid of the 10 Commandments or some other biblical scripture. Her attempts to defend her simple right to disbelieve garnered blank stares. She said she didn't push her beliefs on anyone, while Christianity was shoved in her face. For example, during a 'biblically correct' tour of a museum, a creationsist attempted to discredit the evolutionist theory, using undeniable facts like man and dinosaurs were created on the same day. He could in no way, discredit science, yet he used the bible as a reference at every turn. It was laughable. I was impressed by how calm she remained during debates, while the Christians lost most of their composure trying to defend their faith.

But, it was a happy ending! The Christians came around and realized maybe this lady was not the devil's spawn, and that she posed some interesting and reasonable questions. They vowed to find the answer in their prayers and Bible study. She simply smiled, and went on her quiet way home.

I wouldn't call myself an atheist, but my leanings are more towards science. I do wonder if there is some sort of life or force out there, but I don't believe in the God of the Bible. I think the notion of an all knowing god who put us here to test us is more of a children's bedtime story. If we're good, we get eternal life in the heavens, but if we're bad, well, look out for that fiery hellhole we're sentenced to forever. It seems preposterous that anyone would be permanently rewarded or tortured based on his or her 75.2 years of life on earth. My personal opinion is because humans have an innate need to find their purpose, they've created religions and god(s).
Having said all that, I still fear that one day I'll come face to face with Yahweh as Armageddon comes crashing down, and think, ' oh shit...'

Yawn

I'm so excited it's my last day at the sweatshop that I've been up since 3am! Yeah, right. Insomnia's a bitch. I've tried to fall back asleep, but to no avail. So, since I have to be up in an hour, I might as well stay up. It's gonna be a long day. Oh well, such is life.

I went into for a deep tissue massage after work and boy, did it make me sore. That's not unusual. He's trying to break up the scar tissue, but there are areas that always hurt more afterwards, and then I'll get a day or two of relief. This old guy is convinced ( as they all were, but hey, leave no stone unturned) he can help. We'll see. There's a procedure called 'needling' similar to trigger point injections, that isn't covered by my insurance, but that I'm looking in to. It involves inserting tiny needles (duh) into all of the trigger points and slowly destroying them by reinjuring the muscles and tendons. The theory is that then they can rebuild. It's not a common thing, and it can be very painful, so it's just food for thought at present.

Somehow, I am in the 10% of people who don't recover from a rear collision. Sadly, most of those 10% are women like me- in their 20's, small boned. There is some research that suggests being prone to depression is also a factor. I hate to be categorized that way, but it seems to be accurate to some degree.. I've talked to many women online, and our stories are all similar. Pain starts from an accident, and then we get handed off to numerous doctors who think they might be able to help. Years pass... We've all been through nerve blocks, ablations and injections. I feel like I should do something. There are a million forums out there for people to vent about their pain, and seek advice from sufferers alike, but nothing targeted to the demographic I'm talking about.

So many lofty ideas. Let's see how full of inspiration I am come 5pm today. It will be a day filled with coffee and painkillers. Not such a healthy combo, but a necessary evil to get through the day.

12:30 pm. Can any of you assholes calling in let me answer the phone instead of talking over me??? I can't help it if you're in a hurry and you fucked up your payroll. I take hundreds of calls a day, and since I'm courteous to you, maybe I could get the same in return.

Tuesday's Truths

I get ready every morning with the 'Today' show. It starts at 7 and I'm leaving by 7:30, so I only catch the big headlines. But what a lot to talk about.

First of course there's the violence over in Israel with the Hezbollah. The Lebanese have sent 15 000 troops in aid, but there is so much destruction. And all I know are the basics; the conflict because of religion, land, and politics. I shake my head incredulously. I can't even begin to imagine living in that sort of environment. From Iraq to Namibia. Aaron and I have mused about selling all our belongings and moving to a developing country to do our parts. To finally see what's really important in life and experience something beyond the American bubble while actually doing good would be such a feat! It would change the way I look at life... Who knows if it's just idle chatter, but it's certainly something I'd consider.

And, lest we not forget the idiots of BP, who let their oil pipelines in Alaska corrode. The wall street journal is tearing them to shreds. This oil 'crisis' is something else. I don't get it, they made 10 billion last quarter. They are making ridiculous amounts of money, and they can't even keep their facilities in proper working order?! Gas is at a record $78 a barrel, the profits are rolling in, and we just grit our teeth and fill up-further fueling the problem. No pun intended. I want to buy a Prius but the wait is 2 years. I see all these commercials about cars that run on vegetable oil... Mmmm, imagine the smell of McD's instead of diesel or gas. Maybe one day, with the continuing technology, there will be a generation of earth friendly folk who drive semi trucks, buses and cars on olive oil:)

Tomorrow is my last day at this part time job. I've (mostly) stopped calling myself a quitter. I know that I did a good job, and seeing the new candidates for the position just solidified the reasons why no one sticks around. These women weren't exactly well spoken, groomed, or in shape. I don't mean to sound rude, but obviously they just want a cheap, desperate woman who needs the money and will work like a dog. It's sad, really. It sounds so judgmental of me, but I don't mean for it to. It just pisses me off that they won't pay for good work. I really thought I'd be offered a raise, because the pay is so low, and I was getting such rave reviews. But, it's off to Indianapolis next week to get some hands on experience enrolling. It'll all be ok. Nothing happens without some hard work. And hard work is vital to change. There is more in store for me.

Monday Blues

I'm back at work for another week. But, work is the furthest thing from my mind.

I said that I had learned a lesson or two last week. Well, it appears that I am on everybody's shit list, because I failed to heed my own instincts, and let some information slip that I shouldn't have during my girl's night out, when confronted about someone's relationship. It snowballed, and now, I look like an ass. I'm usually the girl who hangs out with the guys and avoids the drama. I don't do gossip. I've seen the effects first hand, and it's never pretty.

I can't even get into specifics, but it suffices to say that once again, my guard is up. In fact, I'm rebuilding all of my walls, because the one time I ignore my instincts, and let my guard down, I look like the troublemaker, without ever intending to. It's a good thing I don't believe in hell, because good intentions pave the road. Maybe I'm throwing the baby out with the bath water, but the simple truth is that I'm not good with friendly relationships. Maybe isolating myself isn't the greatest idea, but for now, I don't know what else to do. It seems to be an all or nothing kind of thing for me. I talked about it at length with my counselor, and because he has an objective view of the situation, he tried to remind me that I'm only human, and not to be so hard on myself. He thought it was an honest mistake, but that I just need to remember my instincts are there for a reason.

I'm sad, in many ways. I've given up my job, and feel like a quitter. I let everyone here down, even though I know it's not the right fit for me. I have the back up position, which is what I've been wanting to do, but even that may be in jeopardy. How do I mess things up so badly, when all I want to do is succeed?

Hard Facts

Lesson learned: Stay out of other people's business. Do not give them advice if they come to you with relationship problems. Always trust your gut, and keep certain people at arm's length. When girls get together, they gossip. Ignore it.

I'm not even supposed to be here today!!

So I've established that my job sucks. I've come to terms with that. My head has been throbbing since my little meltdown last week, and this week it only intensified. My shoulder is cracking even more, and the pain underneath it is a constant burn. It hurts to do something as simple as a shoulder check in my car. Have I mentioned I think I've been run over by a truck?? (Actually, I sort of did, 3 years ago, and here I am whining today)

And that's why I told the president today that I would work next week, but I'm unable to fulfill the duties required as their Administrative Assistant. They were disappointed, to say the least. I have a feeling they may try and entice me to stay with a little raise, because, clients have been singing my praises, and the staff loves me. I put on a happy face each morning and worked through the pain. I hated every moment of it, but I fooled them all into thinking I was gung ho. I don't know what that says about me...

What they need to do, the cheap bastards, is hire an office manager, or pay the A.A. a FAIR salary. It's unreal what they expect for $9.00 an hour. I was making that at Safeway, at 16! My last receptionist position paid $14.00 an hour,and required half the responsibilities. Temping pays more. Cleaning houses pays $25 an hour. I've idly debated going back to work at a club, where the money is flowing, but I know physically or mentally, that ain't happening. In some ways, I feel like a quitter... Once again, in over my head. But, even my doctors were very hesitant, and asked if I could put work off a little longer. I was adamant that I try it. Staying home all day gets very boring, and isolates me from the rest of the world.

This doesn't mean I'm going back to laying around and worrying obsessively. I am going to start going with the VP of the other/'real' job and sit in on enrollments. They consist of sitting and explaining benefits to a group of employees and signing them up. It pays just over $25 an hour, and a work day is 8-10 hours, with breaks and comped lunches. But I have to sit in on a few first, without getting paid, to learn the process. I have another class to go to, for a specific company that provides us with small group plans, and my sister is coming in two weeks. I'm going to be a busy girl. Hopefully, as soon as class is done in September, I can start getting paid again, and do what I've been working towards this whole time.

My playlist every morning and evening while on the road:

1. I write sins not tragedies- Panic! at the Disco
2. Move along- All American Rejects
3.Over my head (Cable Car)- The Fray
4. 100 years to live- Five for Fighting
5 Make Damn Sure (usually twice in a row)- Taking Back Sunday
6. Clumsy- Our Lady Peace
7. Dani California-Red Hot Chili Peppers
8. Promiscuous-Nelly Furtado
9.Boulevard of Broken Dreams- Green Day
10. Miss Murder- AFI


It's amazing the effect a few of your favorite tunes have. One thing I didn't mind, was the dressing up and the routine. Aaron would make me Cappucino in the morning, and I'd watch the Today show as I got ready. I'd press play on my cd player in my little car, and feel like a somebody, just because for once in a long time, I was accomplishing something.

Smile... as I grit my teeth

The sun isn't even up yet, but I am, icing my very sore neck, right shoulder and scalene muscles. I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I'm so scared to go back to work. If today is anything like yesterday, and the job continues to run me ragged, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to be a quitter, but I was also given a very different idea about what my job would entail- and it wasn't taking on everyone else's scraps in addition to my own responsibilities. They knew when they hired me that I had a disability and couldn't handle a high pressure job. I found out yesterday that they go through receptionists like they go through toilet paper. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe if we weren't treated like mules, they would have a permanent secretary on staff.

But, I'll go in with a smile on my face, and pretend everything is fine, for now.