On Guard

I have a perpetual need to defend myself. This isn't a new revelation, but recently, I've caught myself explaining my actions or thoughts when it's not really that imperative. I was unaware of how often I did it. Anytime I perceive some kind of threat, be it through a joke or criticism, my guard goes up, and I get caught up in rationalizing or justifying myself. Now that I see how much I'm doing it, it's getting old very quickly. My main focus was trying to understand where the defensiveness came from, but maybe l ought to just try and stop the behavior as it hear it coming out of my mouth.

My Affirmations

I refuse to let my fear consume and control my thoughts any longer. Period. It's time to regain some confidence, and prove to MYSELF that I am capable of anything I set my mind to. I am wasting valuable time and energy on self doubt and needless worry. If I don't stop now, the negative energy will only continue to fester and poison my spirit. I am not facing insurmountable obstacles, I'm overreacting. My biggest obstacle is me. So, even if I have to say the following statements aloud a hundred times a day until I believe in myself, then that is what has to be done. It starts today.

I am strong.
I am intelligent.
I am confident.
I am secure.
I am capable.
I am brave.
I am worthy of success, happiness, and love.
I am empowered.

Enough, already!

I was supposed to get my nerve block done tommorow, but I caught a bad virus, and now, it's got to be pushed back again. So here I sit, sick as a fucking dog, sniveling and coughing, worrying about how I'm going to get through the next month. It's no surprise that I am in a state of distress.

We have an interview with INS on May 4th, and I'm very nervous about that, with good reason. There is so much material to get around for immigration, and there may be some really uncomfortable questions directed toward me. I have my insurance classes from the 8th of May through the 12th, which I'll be out of town attending. I am supposed to take my exam 2-3 days after the classes end. The classes cost $400, and the exam is $60. How am I going to sit through this classroom for 10 hours a day? What if I fail this test? It will cost $60 every time I retake it. We NEED the money, I HAVE to go back to work.

Then, I get my nerve block done on the 17th. We have taxes to file, now that I have a social security number. We have to carpet the upstairs floor of our house before the end of May, so that my office furniture can be moved out of storage. I have to sqeeze in doctor's appointments, counseling, and possibly, more injections, by June 3rd.

Distraught doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I know I need to relax, but I'm scared. Tears are falling on the keyboard as I write. How am I going to get everything done? How am I going to be ready for a vacation and a job in June? Why do I feel like I'm taking 10 steps backward, when all I want and all I'm trying to do, is move forward. There's no use in pitying myself, but I am having a really hard time controlling my thoughts and emotions. When my thoughts go haywire, it does nothing to help my pain or my anxiety. It just further reiterates the cycle in my body.

I don't know if I have the strength in me to keep going. I feel so weak, and so useless. Everything seems as though it's bombarding me all at once. I'm buckling under the pressure. I feel like I can't breathe.

Disheveled

My house is a disarrayed, fragmented mess- a reflection of my state of mind, to some extent. My husband has become a Nazi dictator- putting the kabosh on any house work I try to get done. Doctor's orders, he says. I attempt to sneak around during the day and surface clean, but that only frustrates me more. Usually, at some point, I'll get so sick of the mess that I'll spend all day cleaning. Inevitably, it always leads to a flare up, and me being chastized for 'doing too much.'

I clean our bedroom every week, despite Aaron's protests. I can't push the vacuum, but I dust and make sure all of my clothes are put away, my closet is organized and the room looks like the peaceful place I want it to. But it never fails, three or four days later, I've got clothes piled up on laundry baskets and strewn out on the floor beside the bed. Water glasses add up on my nightstand, and shoes find their way to all corners of the room. I don't know why I have such trouble with organization, but I do. It's ridiculous. It doesn't help that I'm hurt, but I've always been messy. My mom used to call me lazy, and I had a list of household chores I did every week, but I was constantly scolded for doing a 'half-assed' job, and could never keep my own room clean. When I moved away to college and lived on campus, I was notorious for being a slob. It was rather embarrassing, but I just couldn't keep organized and put things back where they belonged.

A few years ago, I was 'diagnosed' with ADD. I was put on Strattera, which didn't seem to help, and then, Adderall. I felt really uncomfortable with idea of taking legal speed, but decided to give it a try. I've never been so focused in my life. I was volunteering, working nights, and cleaning houses. My own apartment was actually spotless, and for the first time in years,I had the ability to sit down and watch a movie without getting up fifty times or constantly babbling through it. I was able to write without re-typing the same sentence over and over. I had structure. But, ultimately, I felt really guilty about being on the drug, had a few side effects, and so I stopped taking it. Now, it would be dangerous to take it with the other medications I'm on. Somehow I need to get some sort of system working for me.

I've had more than one possible diagnosis thrown at me as far as mental illnesses go. It's such a frustrating road to travel, because there are so many variables. Neurotransmitters and serotonin levels. How big of a role does my upbringing, and family relationships play? What about being tormented as a teenager in junior high? I still see that awkward adolescent in the mirror. I've held on to resentments, regrets, and past mistakes, unable to forgive myself. How much are these contributing to my self hatred and inability to achieve? What about the physical pain? It's proven that stress increases pain, and vice versa... I'm on a lot of medication, all of which affect how my brain chemistry works.

All I can do is take it one day at a time. I can sit here and worry myself sick, and fret about the endless to do list, or I can remember that I'm only human, and I'm taking on a lot right now. Changes are taking place in every aspect of my life... I'm realizing how often I defend myself or apologize when it's not necessary. I'm gaining more self awareness. With the exception of Wednesday, I've had a pretty good week. I've been busy with other things that have helped keep my worries at bay. I've spent time with a friend who makes me laugh at myself and not care about how silly I look. I've been reaching out to my family. I'm writing more and more. I've even started jotting down affirmations for myself to read when I get worked up. I might be disorganized and distressed, but I'm challenging everything I've ever learned about myself and my place in this world.

Panic

Life has not been going according to plan... I was supposed to have a nerve block done yesterday, but found out Monday that it wasn't going to be covered by my insurance. Thankfully, my doctor's assistant found a center that was covered, and I'll be going in next Tuesday instead. I don't even want to get into the 'what if's' that are circling around in my head. I can't entertain those worries. I need to keep a positive attitude, and know that if this doesn't help, something else will.

My sister in law got in a car accident, and had no insurance at the time. For the last two days, I've been chauffering her around, and I am exhausted. She's a single mom, and is lost without a vehicle, so I felt the need to step in and help her get an attorney, run errands, take her kids to school, etc. I am glad I could help, but I'm so sore and tired from running non stop for 2 days. How am I going to function in the real world???

Work has been rough on Aaron- the money just isn't coming in like it used to. With me unemployed, we're digging into my savings because there's simply not enough money to pay the bills. We're still learning how to properly budget money, owning a home is far more expensive than renting. I have to go back to work, as soon as possible. We can't keep draining my account.

I am starting my insurance class on May 8th. It's only a week, but it's 40 hours of classroom time. I still have to finish reading the damn book, and I've been putting it off because it's boring, and I'm a chronic procrastinator. Now,the pressure is on. I'm so worried about this whole thing. I don't know how my body is going to respond to sitting in a classroom, when it's not used to that atmosphere anymore. It hurts to sit and write on the computer, or when I'm writing in my journal....But, I am going to have to tough it out, even if I am in pain, and concentrate on the material. Ideally, I'll get through the course, and pass the test before we go to Mexico. That way, as soon as I return home, I've got a job. I'm worried about passing the exam- it's been seven years since I was in college. Panic is setting in. Again, I have to keep the 'what if's' at bay. It's so hard for me to just focus and not worry.

I'm no dummy. I'm an intelligent woman, and I need to stop doubting myself and my abilities. I'm just afraid of failing.

New Direction... Same Old Story

I've joined a site called www.writing.com. It's an aspiring writer's haven and I'm excited about it. My goal is to start putting the pieces of my story in order, so I can get some feedback and some organization!

I wrote this poem, and so far, it's been getting good reviews. Wow. It's such a simple piece, I wasn't expecting much at all. Now, I know this is sort of a downer poem. But it was written for a reason, and captured my feelings at the time.



The Thief

Like a flower without sunshine, sadness keeps me from blossoming.

Like a hot and heavy blanket, depression comforts me yet holds me hostage.

I'm not just the sum of my demons and my mistakes.
Or am I?

The colors, the sounds, the feelings that used to tease my senses are gone.

Everything is gray and muted.

The silence is deafening.

I walk this lonely road, thinking no one else can feel my pain.

Selfishly wallowing in misery.

Tormenting myself
Lambasting myself.

Stupid.Useless.Abnormal.Bothersome.Ugly.Empty.Needy.Lonely.

A desperate need for change.
The only thing that stands in the way
is
me.

Confessions of an Insomniac

There is something about being up alone, late at night. I would still rather go to bed at 11 and be up at 7, but since I'm fighting insominia, I find sometimes, the wee hours are the best times to think. The shadows lurking in the dark, or the buzzing coming out of the tv are like old friends to me now. I flip through channels and hope to find something interesting enough to watch. Having my internet up an running again has taken me back to the computer in the middle of the night, and as I sit here typing, the sounds of my fingers hitting the keys feels therapeutic.

I had counseling yesterday afternoon, and again, it left my mind reeling. At first I hadn't planned on writing anything about it, but after some contemplation, I decided to needed to get my confusions sorted out. I told my counselor about my blog several weeks ago, and he asked during a session if it was something that he could read. I said 'of course, it's a public blog.' I had hoped he might see something differently or find it helpful if he saw my thoughts put into words on a page...

We spoke about it at length yesterday, and his first comment was that it was well written, but he felt like it was something he shouldn't be reading; almost as if stumbling on to my private diary. My immediate reaction was to say 'I'm sorry' a thousand times over, but he assured me that it wasn't my fault, and it didn't really have much to do with me as it did his own issues. He said it could be a generational gap, or that he feels some sort of paternal instinct... I was surprised, to put it mildly. I began to wonder if maybe I shouldn't be so brutally honest with this blog, for the whole world to see. But I like that I can come on here and express whatever it is I'm feeling, and people actually read it. There is so much I haven't divulged. Why is my counselor uncomfortable reading my raw emotion, yet ok with seeing me cry my eyes out in sessions? Again, his issue, so he says, but I take it upon myself to ponder.

My counselor has written a memior, and he knows of my dream of getting my story published. Yesterday, after seeing his reaction to my blog, I joked that maybe I should peddle it as fiction, to which he strongly agreed. Here's the thing... If it's fiction, then it's made up, right? Or can I just change enough identifying details, and keep the essential truth the same? The memoir craze is on it's way out, and I'm just really starting to get back into writing. It's not like I'll have a bestseller out next year. I need to work on my craft, and better it before I'm ready to take on a manuscript. Blogging is only one small part of that.

I'm feeling drowsy, and hoping to crawl back in bed to doze off for a while. I'm sure before the day is done, I'll have more to say.

Is that God knocking at my door?

It's that time of year again. The Jehovah's Witnesses are out in droves, asking people to come to the 'Memorial' of Jesus' death. They don't do easter, so this is their substitute. My husband's parents are still active in the church, so the pressure for us to attend is on. My mother in law asked ever so sweetly if I would be coming, hoping that I would return 'to the fold.' We've been getting Watchtower magazines stuffed in our door, and from the in-laws. It's enough to make me want to scream. While I realize their intentions are pure, and they truly believe they would be saving our lives if we went back to the JW way, I can't help but be irritated. I respect their right to hold their beliefs, and I wish they would respect mine.

We all are, in some way, on a journey for meaning and truth in our lives. I simply cannot fathom that there is a god out there who has one group of people that are his chosen sheep. I cannot understand how a loving god would use the human race as a test- who will follow satan, and who will follow god. Don't get me started on the contradictions in the bible or the story of Adam and Eve. Personally, I think the bible is nothing more than man's search for meaning, on paper. There are hundreds of 'Christian' sects, all promising that they lead the way to eternal salvation. It just doesn't wash with me. Each is convinced they hold the truth- but what if everyone has their own truth??

I don't know what happens when we die. I don't fear hellfire, shit, I don't even believe in it. But is there some sort of life after death, or do we just go into eternal sleep, and allow the life cycle to continue? This gift of life can be confusing and scary sometimes. After my husband turned 30, he started to agonize over his mortality. He's frightened by the unknown. It doesn't help that he was raised by a religion that used fear as a brainwashing tool.

The big questions. Is this life all there is? What is it all about? Is there a higher power? Why am I sitting here at this moment in time, and not somewhere, or someone else? As much as I would like answers, part of the interest for me, lays in the mystery of it all. That's why I love Tai Chi so much. It's not about anything but being at one with your body and your spirit. Sometimes I think I'd like to travel down the New Age road, and see what that's all about. I'm fascinated by ancient mysticism. I love reading about other religions and ancient philosophy...And I don't think it's the devil that's fostering these interests.

I could go on for hours, but I have a shrink to see and some errands to run. Hope I don't get struck down by a lightening bolt ;)

Why are random words being linked to a search engine???

After getting my computer scanned, it's apparent that I have a spyware invasion. Every web page I go on, I get these words linked to a search engine, for no apparent reason. Thanks to a helpful tip, I sought out some spyware software. Hopefully this will fix the problem. Guess virus protection just doesn't cover it anymore.

Reflecting

It's a beautiful spring morning. We've had nothing but grey skies for the last month, but the sun is finally shining and the temperature is finally rising. It feels like heaven. I see the birds hovering around their feeders, and hear the medley of their calls. My cats are laid out on the sunny spots in the sunroom, basking in the heat. Joggers are out in shorts, instead of caps and sweatshirts. These little things I find to be so inspiring. Moments of peace and contentment are rare, so I'm going to take it in for as long as I can, and maybe save some for a rainy day.

With all that has been going on both physically and mentally, the one thing that keeps circling around in my head is my writing. Day and night, it's always there. I want to write a book. Period. I don't care if it sells 2 copies or 200 000 copies. I just have this burning inside that is telling me to share my story, fully and completely. I have become more and more inclined towards psychology and the bigger questions in life. I feel like I'd make a really good counselor; I'd have the personal experience and the clinical knowledge. My therapist wrote a book, and said it only sold 1000 or so copies. I was in awe. I want that to be me. You don't need a Phd to counsel people, but I would get to go back to school. With all of my percieved and real obstacles, I just need to figure out the path to getting there. It won't happen overnight.

I'm still reading my boring insurance book... I had planned on taking the course this month, but since I don't have my SS# and I'm about to get needles in the spine again, I'm putting it off. My hope was to do the class in May and take the test before going on our Mexican fiesta, but that may not be possible either. So, that means I'm pushing it back to June, and won't start working until July. Sigh, the guilt I feel on this one is huge. Aaron is worrying himself to no end because he's not been doing great at work, and we're slowly draining my savings. Sometimes I look back, and regret settling for the amount that I did, but really, it was what I had to do at the time. I had so many medical bills, I was working illegally, and truly thought that I would be 'fixed' by now. There were no guarantees if we went to trial. My name would have been dragged through the mud. My husband's business could have been affected. I could have walked away with nothing.

What I am trying to remember when things get really tough, is that there is a lesson here for me, and quite possibly an opportunity. I can let myself drown in sorrow and always wonder what if, or I can try and glean something from each little hill and valley I cross.

I'm still here

God, it feels like forever since I've been online. It's unreal how dependent I've become on modern technology. I've missed my email and my blog, my mindless browsing, and my online support groups. So much has happened since I wrote last. It feels like it's been months!

First the exciting news. Aaron and I are going to Cancun for our real 'honeymoon' on June 6th. I am so excited. We're staying at an all inclusive resort, and Aaron's dad is fitting the bill. A week of paradise that is much deserved. I've also recieved my work status card, and have filed for my social security number. We have a meeting with the INS May 4th, to prove our marriage is valid, and then I should have green card status. Finally, after all these years, I'll be among the working class again, instead of lurking in the shadows. It's both a scary and comforting thought.

I had a visit with my pain doctor, and I read him a long letter I had written, detailing my frusterations, concerns and questions. In no uncertain terms I told him I was willing to try anything to get some relief. I was on so much pain medication, and still feeling significant pain- it seemed redundant. So, I was taken off of the Fentanyl patch, which reduced my painkiller intake by over half. I felt a little withdrawal, but it wasn't too bad. I don't feel any more pain since stopping the patch, the Percocet seems to work just as well, without the added side effects. It's still just a cover up to try and hide the pain. I wish we could get to the root of the problem. Anyway, after I spilled my guts to the doctor, he suggested I see a surgeon. I was shocked. Surgery was an option?? It threw Aaron and I both into a tailspin, panicking about the what ifs. However, we just got home from the appointment with the surgeon, and he doesn't think the pain I'm experiencing is coming from the herniated disks or the degenerative disk disease. So, no surgery. Instead, I'm going to have a nerve block done around the area that is herniated, and that will be able to definitively tell us if the nerves are impinged.

The surgeon was kind of a dick, I thought. He acted as if it was ridiculous that I was even there. He didn't see my case as a candidate for surgery (which was a relief, the surgery option was a scary one.) He also said that some people never recover from severe whiplash, and they can't really 'fix' it. Gee, thanks for the encouragement doc. He suggested a nerve block, which is another injection. I felt pretty deflated and extremely frusterated. I have had the following diagnoses over the last 3 years:
-Cervical radiculopathy
-Facet disease
-Degenerative disk disease
-Cervogenic headaches
-Occipital neuralgia
-Loss of cervical lordosis
- Nerve Damage


I see my pain doctor at the end of the month, and I will know by then if the nerve block has helped. If it doesn't, it's back to the drawing board- likely with injections and nerve ablation. Maybe it's time to seek a second opinion from a good orthopaedist. It's been 3 years since the accident, and I still don't know what is wrong with me. The doctors ( I counted and I've been to 5 ) keep throwing out suggestions hoping something will catch, but ultimately, it seems as though they are grasping at straws. Is there any way to get my pain under control, without having to rely on prescription drugs? I don't want to be on this shit forever. I guess I can only keep on trying, and dealing as best I can. There has to be an answer somewhere...

Ok, off to spend some quality time with my husband. No more stress today. (I hope.)