Life's Little Bitch Slaps

My worst case scenario for this week- it's happened.

I'm done with day one of my enrollment, and so far, I am about $170 in the hole, not to mention my time...12 hours in total today. That includes my apartment rental, some gas, and necessities. I didn't make a fucking dime. We were told that we would be seeing a total of 120 people between the 3 of us, so the potential to make good money was high. I saw 4 people today. One of the women went home, because she saw like 9 people and sold 2 or 3 policies. I enrolled one FSA (terminology you don't need to know) but then found out I didn't get paid for that portion. Tomorrow, we have 9 people signed up between the remaining 2 of us. Wednesday may be busy because it's our last day, or it may continue to be a money sucking hole... I'm hoping for the former.

I'm so angry that I'm calm. That sounds so contradictory, but really, I can hardly react, so I'm just numbed up. But we were lied to about the size of the job, we're not getting any expenses covered, and two of us are not trained. There's only so much tinkering on the system and reading brochures one can do. That's what an enrollment class is for. My boss is running his company into the damn ground, and it's not just me that sees it. I was hoping this enrollment would help me establish connections with the other company that is subcontracting this job, but if I don't make any money, that doesn't look good for them. But my boss as my manager for this other company is required to fulfill certain duties, and he's done none of them with me. It's all going to blow up in one hell of a shit storm one of these days... Cracks have already begun to seep through.

Ugh, so much negative. I want more positive energy in my life. I need more. I have a photo shoot ( where at least I'm guaranteed a rate) for the website, but I haven't told Aaron yet, because things are tense due to the stress level in our house. He doesn't love it, and I don't want it to be something that causes anymore tension right now... But I had so much fun last time- and it got the wheels turning in my head. There is opportunity for anything out there. It's a matter of preparing for it and then finding it... I have a partner in crime who's dreaming big with me, and we have fun bantering back and forth about it. But we want to take it to another level. (and we will, ODE)

I'm wiped. Time for this girl to try and relax.

Self Contained Mess

I can hear the ticking of the clock inside my own head. I have two days left to prepare for my enrollment in Indianapolis, and once again, I am panicking. I don't want to go. I don't know what I'm doing. This pattern has got to stop. I wake up worrying, I go to bed worrying. Yesterday, I had crying fits all due to anxiety. I finally popped an extra valium (something I loathe doing) because I had to calm down, and nothing was helping. I have an appointment today at 9 with my counselor, whom I haven't talked to since mid-October. That could be part of the problem right there. Unfortunately, I seem to need basic maintenance with a counselor, and when I get off track, usually, part of the reason is my absence.

Why do I torture myself with all of the what if's? I don't know where the anxiety comes from, but it runs deep, and it's making my life extremely difficult. Often I blow things up out of proportion in my head, and it literally drives me to the depths of despair, only to find that while it's not ideal, it's not the gigantic monster I've built it up to be. My mind goes in circles as I sit here, and wonder why I struggle with this anxiety and fear. I feel like it makes me weak, because I become a prisoner to it. I'm unable to do anything but sit and stir. Lord knows how many times Aaron has looked over at me, and I've been silently weeping. It must be so hard for him. But I could wallow in guilt about that all day, and it wouldn't do a thing to change this. In fact, the guilt just makes me feel worse about everything. It's not healthy to feel so much guilt, but like I get dressed or brush my teeth everyday, I harness the guilt on and carry it around with me.

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving.

It's a small one this year. Just Aaron and I, his best friend and girlfriend, and our nephew. I learned to adapt years ago to thanksgiving, Aaron style. He is the cook, and I am more than happy to be the help. Once the cooking is done with though, it's all video games, all day... Usually, we have a bigger group, and there's still tons of activity once Aaron and the boys retreat to PlayStation world. But being that there's only one other girl, and I stay away from the testosterone fest on this day, it's sort of quiet. We've been watching girl movies, and not a whole lot else. Oh well, the food is the best part anyway.

Painfully sad

I have had a severe headache for going on three days now. It is making my life miserable. Just when I think I have a handle on my pain, it comes back tenfold, rearing it's ugly head. I have cried more in the last 3 days than in the last month. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I haven't heard a thing from our insurance company regarding our appeal. Aaron called my doctor's office yesterday, and once again, they proved how incompetent they are at filing claims etc. Cigna has requested a peer to peer- this means they want one of their docs to speak with my doc. I told my doctor this at my last visit last week, and he agreed to go ahead with it. Has anything been done? Take a wild guess. Of course not. I just want this to stop. I know I'm wallowing in self pity right now because I don't feel good, but I'm SO sick of all of this. I want a normal life.

Aaron and I were talking about children this morning... I really don't think I'm made to be a mother. I don't want to fuck up like my own mom did, and I'm terrified of the whole thing, from carrying a baby to raising it. People say your life changes when you have children, and I'm sure that is true. But I'm not ready for that change. I don't know what I would do if I was to get pregnant right now. I'd have an opiate addicted baby... I can't carry a baby in this state- my body isn't right, nor my mind. But what if my body doesn't get better? I know the mental struggles come and go; I've been dealing with them my whole life. I'm getting older, and the chances of things healing in my spine get smaller as I age. No one knows if I will ever heal, and the uncertainty is killing me. If I do have babies, I want to give them the best, and I don't know how capable I am of doing that.


I don't even want to get into (yet here I go...) the fact that my lack of organization and inability to concentrate on one task at a time is not something I want to pass on to my kids. My bedroom is so fucking messy, it disgusts me. I can't bring myself to clean it though, because everytime I try, I make a bigger mess. I leave a trail behind me wherever I go. Yet, I am constantly losing EVERYTHING. Sitting at my computer, I see 2 full laundry baskets, a suitcase full of clean laundry, unopened boxes, the litter box... it's gross how unkept I am. Aaron has been keeping the downstairs clean but upstairs is a disaster- MY disaster.

Another mess- work. I'm spending the week trying to read all of the info I need to know for this enrollment, but let's not mince words here- I am fucked. I hate this 'career' so far, it's been nothing but a clusterfuck. I haven't told Aaron this, but I am seriously considering working at the mall because I don't know if I can handle the stress of this job. I like feeling like a career woman and dressing up for work, but I can't do the marathon trips to Indy. I spent SIX hours driving on Monday, and EIGHT hours in the classroom. I can't keep doing this. There have been so many broken promises made to me by my boss... He can't run his business for shit, and the communication sucks. I knew that the business was chaotic before I started, because of all the drama that went down as I was getting lisenced. But I had no idea how stressful it would be.

I don't want to slip back into a depression, but I feel it coming on. Even as I sit here and type, I can't stop the tears from streaming down my face.

Grumblings

Never have I felt so relieved to get to a hotel room. Today was a day from hell, and I'm bloody exhausted. I was in the middle of nowhere- at least that’s how it felt. This morning I made a four hour drive to a little town southeast of Indianapolis, and I don’t know how I did it,and made it through the day, but as my darling husband put it this morning, I’m a trooper.

I awoke at 4:30 am, and when I went to get out of bed, a wave of dizziness struck me and knocked me over. I had been feeling ill for a few days- battling a cold, but also some stomach flu-like symptoms. The plan had been to leave and make half of the trip last night, but I felt so ill, I decided that it was better to sleep at home, and get up extra early to make the drive to work today. Well, getting up wasn’t so easy. I would try to stand up and walk but instead was staggering like a drunkard into the wall, or whatever was in reach. It didn’t matter that I felt like shit- if I didn’t finish this enrollment, the likelihood of me being fired would be high. I finally made it out of the house after forcing down some toast, but I was already half an hour behind schedule.

My drive down was difficult, at best. I was combining Dramamine, Pepto Bismal, and energy drinks so that I could stay somewhat alert, and at least a little bit more comfortable. But my stomach felt as if it was gnawing away at itself and continues to remain in knots although being able to lay down is helping now. I cursed my boss the whole way down; he wouldn’t cover a hotel last night, even though I was technically owed another night, and because I was being sent down nearDayton, Ohio- when there were people who lived a hell of a lot closer than I do to that one horse town!

I don’t know that it is a good idea to mix friendship and business. I don’t expect special treatment, but my boss knows that I have neck problems. It pisses me off that I’m going to locations that are so far from home, when there are like, 6 people who live far closer than I do. Instead of sending me to the stores that were an hour or two away, I'm driving an average of three and a half hours… In the past week, I have put over 1200 miles on my car, and I’m not being reimbursed for mileage. My pay was dropped by $50 a day, I’m paying for all of my own meals. I have worked six days away from home so far, and only had a hotel room for 3 nights. When I asked my boss for an extra night, he patronized me, which only infuriated me more. His reasoning was that the only nights that are comped are the days I work. But I worked on Tuesday, and drove home. He would have paid for that, but he wouldn’t let me trade a night, because 'non enrollment nights aren’t covered.' WTF? So I could have stayed overnight Tuesday, but couldn’t trade a night…? I am beginning to feel some animosity toward my boss, and I don’t know how long my patience will last. No one even knows when payroll is, and I hate asking Lenny, my boss, anything, because he acts as if he is doing me a huge favor every time I pose a question.

This account has been a 3 week ordeal, although I was only around for two weeks. I've found myself apologizing to people over and over. I go into a specific chain of grocery store, and in the breakroom, I set up my laptop and explain the shitty new insurance plan that they are now being offered. It's not a bad plan if you're healthy. But healthy people don't need health insurance. Those who need health care the most are going to be paying out their asses. Health care in this country is a fucking joke, and having been on the other side, I hate telling people that their prescriptions are no longer covered, and they have a huge deductible. It's sickening.

Uck. I feel sick and tired- and I’m not talking the proverbial sick and tired that we all use as an expression. My stomach won’t give me a break, and my back is aching. Somehow, my neck pain is remaining manageable, thank god. But my doctor offered uppers to me, in case the drowsiness becomes too much. No thanks doc, you've got me on enough medicine- no need to add another to the mix.

One day left and I get a week break. Then it’s back to Indianpolis for a training class, which no doubt, I’ll have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to get there in time again. I’m not expecting any sort of ‘favors’ or accommodations. From now on, I’ve been told, there is no per diem rate. I will be straight commission. Sigh. I was supposed to be a customer service rep, and now, I’m just another lackey who is desperate for work, and will drive to the ends of the earth, even at the expense of my health and well being.

I had a good cry (actually, I had a couple of good cries) on my drive down. I don’t want to be a trooper, and continue to ‘hang in there’ for the rest of my life. I want life to get a little easier. It doesn’t matter what I want though, because it’s completely unrealistic to expect life to get less complicated when I’m working for the most chaotic company in Indiana, nursing a chronic injury, and fighting my own insurance battle. I guess it’s better that I put my big girl boots on and drudge through the mess, but it’s damn hard. And while I can put on a show in front of almost anyone, inside, I just want some relief.

Thank god for last Saturday. I am doing some modeling for a fetish site, and though Aaron isn’t thrilled, he’s sitting back and letting me do whatever it is I want to. There’s no nudity at all, so I don’t feel violated in any way. My good friend Liv and I are doing it together, and last Saturday we got to shoot together. It was a blast. Total stress reliever. We goofed around at the shoot all day, and came back to my house for some down time. Aaron was in Chicago, so we ended up having a sleepover, and it was so nice to forget about everything a day.

I really admire Liv. She’s only a little older than I am and she’s got two kids and a husband. She got pregnant at 18, so she is a young, hip mom. She’s lost 100 lbs- which shows her dedication and ambition. She always has a smile on her face, and when I’m around her, it’s contagious. We share stupid inside jokes, plan grandiose schemes and quote Kevin Smith films all the time. She is truly a ray of sunshine. I’m incredibly grateful to have a girlfriend like her.

Aaron is being as supportive as possible, but he can only take so much. I try not to show him the tears and put on a brave face. Sometimes it works, at others I just can't hold my emotions in. Last week my car overheated on my way home Friday night... I had no antifreeze, so it was no wonder, but it really got to me. But it wasn't until I got home that I unravelled. It was so hard to unwind, and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Poor Aaron. I am strong, yet weak. Brave yet scared. Inviting yet distant. Warm yet cold. I wish I could be the wife I feel I should be.

I can't type another word.